TBD has a dozen reporters on the Mall and is live-blogging the rally.

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This guide will be updated.

Pick up a copy of the Onion today and you'll get a surprise: It's TBD! But, like, on paper! A TBD guide to D.C. for ralliers is inserted in the paper, which you can find at all the usual Onion Distribution Points (ODP) and at the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. Still, TBD understands that there may be people who like to get their information via the Internet. Here's a back-button guide for those folks, and we've even started a new Twitter account, TBDGuide, which will be staffed by a human being answering questions all weekend.

And if you're not going but are kind of interested, stay with TBD on Saturday for wall-to-wall, door-to-door, hall-to-hall coverage.

BARE NECESSITIES

Restaurants near the Mall, happy hours, brunches

Restaurants offering specials (Map)

Halloween at D.C. restaurants and bars

Porta-Potties suck! Here are some alternatives near the Mall when nature calls

Need a tampon? You're not totally out of luck on the Mall

Places to sleep, from expensive to free

GETTING THERE...

...by car (ha!)

...by bike (ha!)

...by public transportation (sob!)

RELATED: Metro disruptions and delays

RELATED: Road closures

NOW WHAT?

Is this the schedule for the rally?

Rally location (Map)

Event suggestions for the weekend

Half-priced tickets for events this weekend

Weekend concerts

Event spotlight: Daily Show co-creator Lizz Winstead's battle for sanity

A guide to not visiting the National Portrait Gallery

NERD CONCERNS

Yes, the rally will have a foursquare badge

Yes, you can watch it on your mobile device

No, your mobile device probably won't work since you're all bringing them

MEET YOUR FELLOW ATTENDEES

Clowns

Dragon people

People looking for anonymous sex

RELATED: Jon Stewart-branded condoms

LOOK AT WHERE YOU'RE GOING

An in-depth look at the portable toilets

Photos of the stage being built

ETC.

TBD's ridiculously large archive of pre-event coverage

You think that's all? That's hardly all