- Johns Hopkins paper calls women (Photo: Associated Press)
Parents, teachers, sex reporters, and other adults looking for a creepy window into the sex lives of our nation's youth! Welcome to TBD's digest of local college sex columns:
"FAT CHICK" SENSITIVITY EXPERT: Last week, Johns Hopkins News-Letter Managing Editor Greg Sgammato penned an opinion piece based on his unique experience at a Phi Kappa Psi lingerie party: Mainly, fat women refused to feel shame for their bodies in Sgammato's presence. "The event was by many accounts a success, but unfortunately featured a disproportionate amount of fat chicks," Sgammato wrote. "When buffalo—especially those who frequent frat parties—consume alcohol, they undergo an extreme and sudden inflation of self-image." Egad.
The column was later deleted from the paper's website. Now, editors of the News-Letter have weighed in to clarify that they don't think you're fat—just stupid! In a letter from the editors, the News-Letter declared that Sgammato's column was "deliberately written as a satirical piece so as to demonstrate a phenomenon of superficiality that exists at Hopkins." They continue: "Taken as a satire, we had hoped the article would be accepted for what it is, a criticism of a depthless, flawed and real culture of thought that persists in the minds of many students."
A-ha. You see, Sgammato isn't disgusted by fat women. He is disgusted by other people who are disgusted by fat women! He is the Jonathan Swift of fat women, a tireless champion of feminist body image in a campus ruled by the phenomenon of superficiality. Sgammato, destroyer of the depthless! Conqueror of the flawed! Exposer of the real culture of thought!
Sgammato refused to return my requests for comment, perhaps worrying that speaking frankly of his radical opinions on fat acceptance at Johns Hopkins would lift the veil on this pièce de résistance, "Local Bison Bear All At Psi Kappa Psi Lingerave," lessening the satire's impact.
So instead, I spoke with Sara Luterman, vice president of the Johns Hopkins University's Feminist Alliance, for her opinion on Sgammato's piece. "Do they think we're stupid?" Luterman asked me over the phone. "This is on the opinions page of the News-Letter. It does not run comedy, ever. The other stories on this page are about getting involved in the community; national diversity; how NFL overtime rules apply to college games; and the Gaza Strip. This is not even remotely satire."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS HOOK UP: The American University Eagle's new (and by-lined!) sex column continues its inquiries into sexual safety on campus. This week: Friends are for cock-blocking. Sex columnists Tara Culp-Ressler and Ryan Carter debunk paranoid grown-up myths on college sexuality, and reveal that actually, friends are more likely to try to get their drunk friends home safe than to wish them a fun night in the arms of a stranger. Here's the pair's "empowered, sexy" tip:
Before you get to the party and before a drop of alcohol touches your lips, make sure you and your friends are all on the same page. What is your plan for the night? Are you intending to hook up with someone? Do you have specific people in mind, or are you open to experiences with a stranger? And are you allowed to change your mind about any of these things throughout the night, after you’ve started drinking? Hold each other accountable for the lines you’ve drawn while sober.
Roommates: The new moms.
SHARK WEEK ATE MY SEX COLUMN: The GW Hatchet's newest sex columnist, King Salmon, is kind of a d-bag! Shorter sex column: Girl wants to hook up with King Salmon, but King Salmon isn't drunk, and Shark Week is on, but girl got a new tongue ring, so King Salmon deigns to receive oral sex from her, while watching Shark Week, and then penetrate her from behind, while watching Shark Week, until girl realizes that King Salmon is watching Shark Week, asks him to turn it off, then leaves when he doesn't.
There is a lesson in all this! It is: "women may say that all guys focus on is sex, but for at least one week a year, there is an event that is better worth our time: Shark Week."