Advice for the lazy: Truncating this week's advice columns.
If you think women only date assholes, you're wrong; you are an asshole, and they aren't dating you. If your friend cashes a check from you and it overdrafts your account, that's your fault. Your 2-year-old daughter is a fussy bore, but she could still change. [Carolyn Hax]
Vacuum the rug only in the direction of the pile. Do not wash baseball caps with dirty dishes. Funeral cards can double as bookmarks, if you are creepy like Linda. [Hints from Heloise]
If you think kids today can't use a landline phone, just see how they deal with a rotary! If your mother dies and your father begins dating a convicted felon named "Charlene," monitor him. If you have emphysema and your wife won't stop smoking in the house, divorce her. If you come back from vacation and your boyfriend goes to a bar instead of seeing you, he likes booze better. If a classmate is stalking you by phone, e-mail, Facebook, and in person despite stating your disinterest in dating and electronically blocking him, inform adults. [Ask Amy]
Miss Manners will not indulge your request to enforce etiquette among other people's children. Learn how to boldly declare, "we don't have hot tub parties." It has been rude to visit without calling first since 1876. If you have caller ID and know who is calling, pretend you don't. If your friend mishandles money, you still must attend her wedding, unless she has mishandled your money, in which case you must politely decline without stating the cause. If your husband's female friend informs a mutual acquaintance that your husband is planning a divorce, and your husband then chastises you for failing to invite his female friend into your home, perhaps she was right about that divorce. [Miss Manners]
If your husband with no previous signs of bisexual or gay tendencies befriends an unmarried man and often hugs him, they're doing it. Your daughter is an alcoholic who lives beneath a bridge, and you can't blame her kids for chronicling her addiction on Facebook. If you refuse to devote all of your salary to free innocent death row prisoners and buy a car instead, your friends are self-righteous for complaining about it. When your husband buzz-cuts his hair, pretend you don't hate it. If your mother's dogs always relieve themselves in your home and it is tormenting you, pay for a sitter. [Dear Prudence]
Your husband will continue to allow you to engage in threesomes after recovering from your infidelity. Girlfriends who make too much noise during sex should be stifled. LGBT kids around the world are still being bullied. [Savage Love]
"Anyone can be a relationship threat, penis or not." If you really love performing oral sex on a woman, but your girlfriend isn't into it, maybe you're just doing it wrong. [Miss Information]