The D.C. Department of Health has launched its "Rubber Revolution" campaign, an online effort to increase condom use among District youth. The new site includes information about how to get free condoms, an anatomical guide to putting them on, and this bizarre quiz, which decides which condom you "are" based on your eating habits, your champagne consumption, and relative affinity for Merengue.

Based on my preference for cheeseburgers, network comedies, and top 40 radio, the D.C. Department of Health has decided that I am a standard latex condom.

I am "pretty laid-back, practical and unimpressed by excess" and thus "have a great appreciation for the classic condom," the quiz informs me.

If you're more into shrimp salad, Reggae, and televised backstabbing, you are advised instead to opt for the" flavored condom." "You have a taste for a colorful life that’s unmatched," the quiz reads. "Your vibrant personality makes flavored condoms a good fit for you."

But if you're into action movies, sirloin steaks, and supervisory roles at work, perhaps you believe yourself to have a large penis—too large for any regular condom, which can only hold about four quarts of water. Champagne-buying, steak-eating condom users concerned with the perception of their penis sizes are advised to pick up the "super-size (larger) condom" because "you do everything in a bold way and refuse to settle for anything less" and "your larger than life personality best suits a super-size condom."

Larger than life indeed. In May, D.C. upgraded its free condoms to Trojan Magnum condoms in order to encourage students to actually use the barrier method. At the time, HIV/AIDS administration spokesperson Michael Kharfen told the Washington Post that the larger-sized Magnums are more popular among teens due to the increased brand recognition, the perception that Magnums are stronger, and the gold wrapper, which imparts "a little bit of the bling quality" to the safe sex experience.

What the D.C. government didn't explicitly state was that Magnum condoms imply that the user has a huge penis, and some teenage guys are pretty into that. At least the new condom distribution campaign acknowledges that the widespread Magnum fidelity is more an indication of "personality" than actual genital size.