- Are gay servicemen getting in the way of straight men having sex with lesbians? The Daily Caller actually published this. (Photo: Associated Press)
BREAKING from the Daily Caller: The United States military can be cured of homosexuality once and for all if it allows lesbians to serve but forbids gay men to do so, according to one elderly man who has extensive experience showering with dozens of other dudes.
In short: All the straight guys will turn all the gay ladies straight, with their penises, for America. Could this be the final solution to the cultural battle over Don't Ask Don't Tell, and not simply the worst thing ever published by the Daily Caller, today? HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:
1. Way back in the long ago times, "It fell to men to swing through the trees and scour the caves in search of as many women as possible to subdue and impregnate," argues Joseph A. Rehyansky, a retired member of the United States Army who has previously warned Daily Caller readers of the danger of copper creeping into their gold stockpiles.
2. "Women," Rehyansky continues, "had to be more selective because, then as now, the principal consequences of copulation were theirs: pregnancy; childbirth; most of the responsibilities of childrearing whilst their baby-daddy hunter-gatherers were about hunting and gathering and finding other women to subdue."
3. The evolutionary tapestry woven by our ancestral rapists has resulted in a frightening sexual imbalance among modern day homosexuals. "Lesbians do not face the same pressures as straight women to 'put out' for men," Rehyansky argues, encouraging them to "develop long-term, monogamous, stable, and even permanent relationships."
4. But for gay men, who are not forced to rape women in order to find sex, life is one big slutty sexual conquest, "i.e., it’s 'party time' all the time" claims Rehyansky, who once watched a documentary about this.
5. Therefore, "gays spread disease at a rate out of all proportion to their numbers in our population and should be excluded from the military."
6. Furthermore, hardly anyone is even gay, as the widespread claim that 10 percent of the population is homosexual is based on a study conducted during World War II, when Rehyansky insists that "most able-bodied American male heterosexuals were elsewhere, serving as part of The Greatest Generation, leaving a larger percentage of gays at home to keep one another contented."
7. Also, feminine slutty gay men just aren't good at being in the military like monogamous butch women are.
8. Being around other men's penises could turn gay guys on, violating the Constitutional rights of straight guys to not ever turn on gay guys: "If a Constitutional right to privacy that guarantees access to abortionists can be summoned from thin air, certainly the prohibition against involuntary servitude should prevent unwilling heterosexual men from providing beefcake parades without their informed consent, at least penumbrally."
AND THEN FINALLY: Once all the lesbians are easily accessible in one place, an army of straight dudes will turn them all straight, presumably through that time-tested tactic of subduing and impregnating women against their will: "my solution would get the distaff part of our homosexual population off our collective 'Broke Back,'" Rehyansky concludes, "thus giving straight male GIs a fair shot at converting lesbians and bringing them into the mainstream."
How has no one thought of this before, and then proceeded to published it on the Internet next to a photograph of themselves?
UPDATE: After briefly removing the story, the Daily Caller has, without explanation, republished Rehyansky's piece without his final thought. The original read: "my solution would get the distaff part of our homosexual population off our collective 'Broke Back,' thus giving straight male GIs a fair shot at converting lesbians and bringing them into the mainstream." He actually said this.