Advice for the lazy: Truncating this week's advice columns.

If you lied about attending a spa several months ago and now your husband suspects your unborn child is not his, buy this book. You must tell your family your daughter is autistic in order to successfully avoid Thanksgiving dinner. Your mother insulted your cooking because she fears aging and decline. Politely apologize for ridiculing your boss for cheating on his wife with another employee. Inform your wife that her sister offered to gift you an exorbitant sum in exchange for fathering her child. Your fiancee is wrong for forcing you to wear an engagement ring. If you are white, but your Chinese husband's dominant genes cause your kid to not look white at all, you are not expected to explain to curious onlookers that your child was not adopted.  [Dear Prudence]

You can't stop your divorced brother from doing your friend. One disappointing proposal can lead to 40 disappointing Valentine's Days. Telling your five year old about your previous stillborn son was not a mistake. Do not disclose your sexual orientation to your mentees. [Carolyn Hax]

Christian "shitsticks" are to blame for blocking gay marriage; also, non-shitstick Christians. In the wake of a breakup, turn to food and sex. If Dan Savage could be any animal he would be a tapeworm. Gay men know there's nothing interesting about hot lube. "The Lonely Goatherd" is the best song to have sex to. [Savage Love]

Service members are not being rude when they remain silent at military funerals, even when thanked by the bereaved. Birth announcement etiquette is not strict. Only a doctor may ask another person if he or she has prosthetic limbs. Coworkers who fuss over three pieces of cake are not truly working. [Miss Manners]

Ask your brother why discussion of his obesity bothers him so much. "Anti-social" is incorrect; "asocial" is the preferred term. Your wife must stop speaking with the man she slept with. Congratulations on your marriage and waistline. [Ask Amy]

Some people have a problem with misplacing Christmas stockings. [Hints from Heloise].