Gallagher, famed watermelon-smashing comic, has recently been revealed as a"a paranoid, delusional, right-wing religious maniac" watermelon-smashing comic. In the 64-year-old stand-up's new stage show, the requisite melon destruction achieves an unnerving synchronicity with the comedian's hatred of gays, black people, and the French. Fruit bashing: Not just a prop anymore!
So far, Gallagher has chosen to mount his soap box in conservative enclaves surrounded by insulating barriers of forest and sand: Plymouth, N.H.; Warm Springs, Ore.; Bremerton, Wash.; U.S. naval bases around the world. This March, Gallagher will bring his comedic stylings to the comparatively cosmopolitan Arlington, Va. How will the gay jokes play here?
Let's find out! A selection of homophobic and transphobic lines recorded at Gallagher's recent Bremerton show, courtesy of The Stranger's Lindy West:
"You have your hat backward . . . Are you a homosexual? Because it seems you have a problem figuring out the front from the back"; "I see people every day I can't figger out what sex they are"; "There's two types [of lesbians]: the ugly ones and the pretty ones"; "People like Cher's daughter—figure that out. She wants a penis, but she has a big belly. If you can't see your dick, you don't get one"; "All three of [The Rice Krispies elves] are gay; "[The French] ruin our language with their faggy words"; "Without God, we are nothing but dust. What is butt dust? Is that what you get if your homosexual isn't properly lubricated?"; "Lucky for me, there was no homosexuals in the area [when I spilled mouthwash on my balls]—'cause my balls was minty fresh"; "There's only one kind of homosexual guy, and that's the pretty ones—why do homosexual men have to be so good-looking?"
And this: After preparing a soup of fruit cocktail and some Asian vegetable, Gallagher announces, "This is the China people and queers!!!" and then smashes the concoction with a sledgehammer.
OK! Soon the Washington, D.C. area can discover whether Gallagher will maintain his self-proclaimed "I'm an American and I'm gonna speak my mind" brand of comedy in the face of potential liberalism, or whether he'll stick to the more literal form of fruit-smashing. He's set to perform at the Arlington Cinema N Drafthouse on March 4 and 5.