Getting advice so you don't have to (Photo: Associated Press)

Truncating the week's advice columns:

Affirm your commitment to avoid commitment. Your friend's level of involvement with your infant daughter's life is not for you to decide. You have a right to leave your marriage if your husband has a child with his mistress; you do not have a right to ask your husband to ask his mistress to have an abortion. Stop pining for the guy you liked in the 21 days since dating the other guy you liked.  [Carolyn Hax]

Ladies either dig the mustache or are repulsed by it. A bit of soap or shampoo is often required following cunnilingus. Do not ever get overly excited about having a mustache. There is never a situation where cheating is okay. Mustaches seem to attract women who are adventurous and aren't afraid to try new things. Boring people don't grow mustaches. Having a mustache is also a sign of commitment. [Guys with handlebar mustaches]

Your horrific lack of empathy for those affected by Hurricane Katrina places you squarely in the Ayn Rand "It's Your Own Fault" tradition of Sunday school instructors. However, your morally indefensible position can provide a valuable opportunity for young people to learn to debate people like you. It's possible that your co-workers aren't eating during your meetings to make you feel disgusted, nauseous, and disrespected, but rather because they are hungry. Tell your two-timing girlfriend that you'll start seeing her if she dumps her long-distance romance. A significant other is only required to disclose previous sexual encounters if they resulted in an STD that could affect their current partner's health. You were right to question the presence of underage girls' photos on your son's Facebook page, and he was right to be pissed that you did that. Tell your sons some basic facts about the alcoholic, abusive grandfather they never see. Circumvent your lazy coworker's HR-employed mother. Contact a therapist who specializes in unconsummated marriages. Tell your copycat friend to rent Single White Female. Join the coworkers you prefer not to see for the occasional happy hour. Thinking that getting married means your friends are ATMs is a new tradition. Inform your friends that you know nothing about Tim's sexual orientation. However, were Tim to come out to you, you would be free to confirm that Tim is gay. [Dear Prudence]

While it is true that a computer does not require double spaces between sentences, you should continue to use two spaces on the typewriter. Change your will in order to spare your survivors from dealing with the rude art museum to which you had intended to donate your collection. There are many rules pertaining to gum-chewing, but in the case of smacking and blowing bubbles, the only relevant rule is "do not annoy others unnecessarily." It is acceptable to invite another couple over for dinner if they will be seated in your dining chairs, while you and your spouse sit on ottomans. [Miss Manners]

When considering the acceptability of your monster zombie tentacle fetish, the sole red flag is "I am rarely attracted to people." Every cliché ever written about heartbreak is true. [Miss Information]

There are lots of people out there who want to be in relationships but don't particularly want to have sex. You must tell your bisexual friend that you are not at all physically attracted to her. "Don't Raw Dog a Random" has to be the most effective peer-to-peer safer-sex message ever read while taking a piss in Maryland. [Savage Love]