- Geting advice so you don't have to. (Photo: Associated Press)
Truncating the week's advice columns:
Tell your gynecologist to examine your enlarged clitoris for possible medical complications; it could be ovarian cancer, or maybe the rest of your junk just shrunk with menopause. If your husband's penis is too small to work with your expanded vagina, see if you have any signs of uterine prolapse, then attempt to convince your health insurance provider to pay for the ad-hoc vaginal rejuvenation. Santorum is back. [Savage Love]
Miss Manners can't really solve your legal problems. [Miss Manners]
Paying rent entitles you to be naked in the bathroom without getting sized up by the landlady. The process of informing your daughter that she is the product of your extramarital affair with another woman who wants nothing to do with her is one that should unfold over a period of years. The pants you wear today will not look great when you are 70. If your mother is opposed to tattoos, do not insist upon honoring her parents with ink. Explain to your coworker that the odor emanating from her regular breakfast of microwaved tuna and oatmeal is interfering with your work.
Your sister has graciously agreed to carry and give birth to your biological child; do not insist upon witnessing the act. Accept your mother-in-law's lavish gifts, return them, then place the cash in an account you can draw from when she inevitably falls into debt. Stop imagining the different life that would have transpired had you met your hot new acquaintance at a younger age and he had totally fallen in love with you. You cannot welcome back George. The secret ballot is a wonderful invention. Your dad is not too old to be someone else's dad. If you're not a baby person, take comfort in the fact that babies don't stay that way. If your biggest problem with your mother-in-law is that she follows you around the house at the end of your stay to ensure you have not left any items behind in your house, you do not have a mother-in-law problem. If your husband's parents have you now, just wait until you have kids. High school seniors who lack an interest in sex are not required to become nuns. You deserve to keep the orchids you saved from near-death. Signatures change naturally over time. Your chatty office mate is a vampire, not a friend. You have no obligation to sacrifice your marriage to accommodate your mother-in-law. [Dear Prudence]
Do not decide which furniture to ban your boyfriend from moving into your home until you consider how he feels about his own belongings. Break up with your girlfriend to see if you miss her. You must choose between your law career and the perfect girl for you. Use your boyfriend's new cross-country job to imagine life with children. Laugh along with those people who make fun of you for giving birth to three boys. Don't read too much into your ex-boyfriend's proclamation that you're not extroverted enough to complete him. Don't expect your date to be your cruise director. Explain to your boyfriend that your body requires that he propose to you immediately. Don't yell. [Carolyn Hax]
Perhaps the rapid weight gain that has rendered your boyfriend entirely unattractive to you is the symptom of a deeper problem that you can more comfortably harass him about. Your fetish for young schoolgirls raped by monster tentacles probably says very little about your personality. If you tell your sexual partner's fiancee that the two of you are doing it, she'll probably take it out on you. Asexuality is a controversial but acknowledged sexual orientation. [Miss Information]