- Advice on thievery, liberalism, and dog trampling etiquette.
Truncating the week's advice columns:
Rehearse retorts for when your liberal friends discuss how U.S. soldiers are baby-killers who deserve to die. You cannot expect the neighbor who trampled your dog in a freak elevator accident to reimburse you for the $1,000 you've paid to purchase a dog of the same size and weight as the deceased. Stay in touch with your friend's widower instead of shelling out for the $250-a-plate annual charity dinner held in her honor. Inform your friend that marrying her cheating fiance will end only in many unpleasant lab results at the gynecologist's office. [Dear Prudence]
A man who goes apeshit when he misses the subway is likely to go apeshit on his wife sooner or later. If you're mature enough to be a part of the New York City kink scene, you're mature enough to tell your friend that you plan to leave her birthday party on the early side in order to avoid the orgy portion of the evening. Following your nine-month-long affair with a man married to a U.S. soldier deployed overseas, in which you moved in with the guy days after her deployment and convinced yourself he'd leave her for you, it is decided that you are both jerks, but the guy is a bigger one. [Savage Love]
People who don't use chopsticks can employ the utensil for stirring paint. Shake ferns vigorously before vacuuming. [Hints from Heloise]
In order to increase the frequency of sexual encounters with your boyfriend, you can either go the burlesque show route or the short couple's vacation route. Unless you're a cartoon rabbit who covets cereal, you're not "silly." Dealbreaker: Your boyfriend has a secret family. If you have a great sex life with your girlfriend but she does not orgasm, what's the problem? Get a grip on your panic before your thoughts of your boyfriend dying in a horrible freak accident consume your relationship. [Miss Information]
In order to get the school bully to stop making anti-Semitic jokes, tell him that you don't ridicule him for being Native American. Doctors should be nicer when delivering devastating diagnoses. On a first date, deal with a woman discussing her previous relationships by placing your hand "soulfully" over her mouth. If the family of the nice old woman who lived down the hall from you sends you $20 upon her death, don't return it; go out for drinks! [Ask Amy]
If, while on a “cocktail” of psychotropic drugs, you compulsively stole and lied to those close to you, but have now corrected your behavior and are seeking to forgive yourself, understand that you were lonely. Lonely isn't a crime. [Dear Sugar]