Advice for dying cheaters, guilty eaters, and recovering drunks (Photo: Associated Press)

Truncating the week's advice columns:

Upon learning of your cancer diagnosis, consult with a lawyer to ensure that your wife and children do not discover you've dedicated a chunk of your will to your mistress of ten years. In the event that the affair is posthumously revealed, arrange to have a sealed letter delivered to your family explaining your enduring love for them. You are not obligated to express your condolences about the tsunami before consuming Japanese food. If you fear your ultra-thin friends are starving their children, write an anonymous letter to their pediatrician articulating your concerns. You must disinvite your mother's estranged friend from her upcoming surprise anniversary party, and prepare for the contingency that the rescinding of the invitation will result in her sabotaging the event. [Dear Prudence]

If the admission, on your online sexual profile, that you will soon be entering the armed forces gives potential sex partners the impression that you are a conservative prick as opposed to a progressive guy in search of no-strings-attached sex, simply omit the "going into the army" portion of your profile. Asexuals are not doomed to be alone. Fire the submissive electrician who involved you in his sex life without your consent by declaring you his "Mistress." [Savage Love]

Waiting for your children to age out of your ex-husband's custody is no solution to your family troubles. Do not forward an e-mail to your dying agnostic friend encouraging her to find Jesus "just in case." Tell your recovering addict son you can't stop thinking about the wine he sampled at his latest visit. If your boss snacks so loudly that it interrupts your concentration, consider inserting a single earplug in the ear closest to his office. Destination weddings are not required to include child-care services. [Ask Amy]

Parents of children with food allergies should not be congratulated for keeping their children alive. Anti-social people should make an effort to engage in social "exercise" from time to time in order to snare a mate. [Carolyn Hax]

After drinking too much at your friend's engagement party, do not apologize; send a note to the hostess thanking her for her hospitality. If the father of your son passed away several years ago but neither of you were notified of the death, don't respond to his sister's attempt at content by immediately requiring as to which hereditary diseases your son may have inherited. When continuing a conversation concerning religion or politics after entering an occupied elevator, keep in mind that other passengers may find you awful and also have mutual acquaintances. [Miss Manners]

Boiling omelets in plastic bags makes for a great conversation piece. [Hints from Heloise]