Think of the straight dudes! For their April Fools' Day editions, campus newspapers at both the George Washington University and American University have filed dueling satirical articles addressing the troubling shortage of heterosexual men on their respective campuses. Both reference: undersexed women acting hysterically; a diversity initiative to recruit more heteros; "Glee":

In the GW Hatchet satire, the university launches a recruitment effort to accept more straight men to the university in an effort to relieve campus hordes of sexually frustrated straight women, whose vaginas are "getting a little dusty" from the lack of attention. In the AU Eagle version of the joke, a sorority auction is held to ration off the ten remaining straight men enrolled at American University. ("Crazed Senior in the School of Public Affairs Mary Keagan threw herself on stage screaming 'IT’S MY LAST CHANCE! LOVE ME!' once she’d realized she’d been out bid by her roommate Lisa, who sold her own eggs for the cash").

Less hi-larious: Despite an apparent deficit of straight guys on D.C. campuses, both American and George Washington manage to keep electing them as student body presidents. Perhaps women are just too busy beating each other over the head with high heels—and gay men "shitting glitter"—to run a viable campaign.