Do this. (Photo: Associated Press)

Wait for your pregnant wife to become accustomed to her breasts' ability to produce milk before you spring your breast milk spraying fetish on her. If you write to Dan Savage asking him whether you should engage in a strap-on three-some with your co-worker and his boyfriend, he's going to tell you to do it. Messes are likelier when the romantic stakes are high. The internet was invented expressly to remove guys into defecation play from the dating pool. Lots of straight men enjoy looking at male genitalia. [Savage Love]

Drape a towel over your home copy machine so your cat can sleep there. [Hints from Heloise]

Consider expanding your idea of attractiveness before break things off with the wonderful woman whose body you don't like. In order to avoid participating in your husband's family's twice-yearly day-long hay-hauling exercise, volunteer to make lunch instead. Tell your friend to stop making terrorist references concerning your Indian heritage. If your landlord wants your boyfriend to pay him $300 to replace the $30 chair he broke when he sat in it, consider pretending that your boyfriend suffered injuries from the defective chair. If your fiancee won't stand up to you to his parents when they tell your parents that they raised you poorly, return the ring. Starbucks was invented to block your study buddy from obsessively questioning the origin and price of every item in your home. Invite both sides of the divorcing couple to your wedding. If you really want to get married, don't move in together first. Seek out counseling over the boy who died in your classroom. Slip an anonymous note to your sexually vocal neighbor. Confront your son about why he wants to spend so much time with you. No one is going to feel worse about your beloved dead aunt's lost bracelet than you. Refuse to visit your mother in law as long as she dates the man convicted of raping a child. You are not obligated to reunite with the dying mother who abandoned you to a Dickensian childhood. You cheated on your fiance when he went home to visit his parents and have now married the other man. It is not normal for him to want to catch up. Confront your friend about possible burns on her back. Your husband should inform his parents not to clean your underwear during visits. [Dear Prudence]

If you're not sure if you like your boyfriend anymore, ask yourself, "Does he fascinate me?" Answer without thinking. Loneliness is a powerful force. It's not that crazy women are drawn to you; it's that you are crazy. Learn to separate "person I respect and like" from "person I could bang." You're not suffering from heartbreak; you're suffering from lack of perspective. [Miss Information]

You cannot convince the person you are crazy about to be crazy about you. Convert the delightful but distressing energy from your wayward crush to focus on your marriage. We all love X but want to fuck Z. Your lover must decide if destroying his decades-long marriage to be with you is the right thing to do. Stop thinking about "getting through" your wedding date. [Dear Sugar]