Advice on padlocks, HIV-positives, and never-the-bridesmaids. (Photo: Associated Press)

Truncating the week's advice columns:

If your growth hormone deficiency leads authorities to believe that your husband is sex trafficking you, carry your passport, marriage license, and a doctor's note on your person at all times. Tell the recipient of your bone marrow donation to stop calling. The person who arranged the date should reach for the check; at the third date, it's acceptable to suggest you go dutch. If you reconnected with your estranged friend on Facebook only to find that she was not sick on the day of your wedding but rather refused to attend because you did not make her a bridesmaid, silence is an acceptable response. [Dear Prudence]

Sex acts that expose you to an HIV-positive male partner's semen and/or blood are definitely unsafe, and sex acts that expose him to your semen and/or blood are mostly safe. Withdrawal is a much more effective birth control method than most sex advisers are comfortable acknowledging. Public needle-play scenes are usually sterile. The GOP wants to stuff the government in your vagina. [Savage Love]

"Don't effing touch me, I feel terrible" is an effective but less than ideal form of birth control. You're right to have misgivings about your new squeeze who constantly refers to women "bitches." [Miss Information]

Cover your stove with a liberal sprinkling of comet, then get at it with a sponge. You cannot imagine what a difference a well-groomed and defined brow makes. You cannot speculate on what any given girl's decision-making process might be or how, exactly, it intersects with your behavior. [The Hairpin]

Technology does not fuel infidelity. Don't blame your wife for failing to hammer out an alternate maternity leave arrangement wherein she could take off work for three weeks and you've take off for the next thee, since you apparently failed to conceive of how nice it would be to hang out with your new baby for a few weeks before it arrived. Also, your wife is still recovering from birth and breastfeeding, and you're not. Don't worry about your friend's feelings in deciding whether to date him or not; you'll hurt them either way. Do not expect your sister to learn the news of your grandchild's birth via Facebook feed. [Carolyn Hax]

Memorize this 12-line poem instead of just figuring out how to open a padlock. [Hints from Heloise]