A couple celebrates same-sex marriage in D.C.; will Maryland be next? (Photo: Associated Press)

The Maryland same-sex marriage legislative battle is underway. Want a piece? On Tuesday, Feb. 8 at 1 p.m., the Maryland state senate will hold a public hearing on the same-sex marriage bill, the Religious Freedom and Civil Marriage Protection Act. Interested parties are invited to testify at the hearing; according to the GLAA Forum,"Testimony on all bills under consideration relating to marriage equality will be considered that day. Those wishing to testify should sign up by 12:45 the day of the event and bring 20 copies of their testimony." The meeting will also be available via streaming audio will host a lobby day. Then, Equality Maryland will host a "lobby day" to urge legislators to vote for the bill. On the agenda: "We'll meet at the state house at 4:30 for training and a rally. And from 6-8, we'll meet in groups with legislators to tell our stories about why equality matters to us."

Seeking to protest the bill? I have calls out to Protect Marriage Maryland and the National Organization for Marriage to learn about their plans in the coming weeks; I'll update if I head back.

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Gallagher, famed watermelon-smashing comic, has recently been revealed as a"a paranoid, delusional, right-wing religious maniac" watermelon-smashing comic. In the 64-year-old stand-up's new stage show, the requisite melon destruction achieves an unnerving synchronicity with the comedian's hatred of gays, black people, and the French. Fruit bashing: Not just a prop anymore!

So far, Gallagher has chosen to mount his soap box in conservative enclaves surrounded by insulating barriers of forest and sand: Plymouth, N.H.; Warm Springs, Ore.; Bremerton, Wash.; U.S. naval bases around the world. This March, Gallagher will bring his comedic stylings to the comparatively cosmopolitan Arlington, Va. How will the gay jokes play here?

Let's find out! A selection of homophobic and transphobic lines recorded at Gallagher's recent Bremerton show, courtesy of The Stranger's Lindy West:

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How to treat sex offenders, post-incarceration. (Photo: Associated Press)

Across Maryland and Virginia, legislators are lobbying to expand sex offender registries to include additional offenses and inspire harsher penalties. Meanwhile, Virginia State Senator Emmett Hanger has proposed that his state take a closer look at its system for tracking sex offenders, and question whether the device is really working to stop sex crimes.

"Since 1994 the number of crimes for which registration is required has increased, the information that is required at registration has grown substantially, and public access to information on individual sex offenders has expanded," Hanger's bill reads. In that time, "concerns have been raised about . . . whether the breadth of registration makes it difficult to distinguish predatory behavior and whether citizen reliance on the sex offender registry can be misplaced in certain instances."

A closer look at Maryland and Virginia's proposed approaches to sex offender registration, after the jump:

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Roger Ailes, president of Fox News (Photo: Associated Press)

A COMPENDIUM of sexist remarks made on the Fox News network, featuring: Mom Caves, a new "place for women to 'relax' and 'make lists of things to do' while 'your man is getting ready for the Super Bowl'"; Kristi Noem, a "hot new freshman member of Congress . . . a good looker"; Ines Sainz, a sports reporter who is inviting sexual harassment because she won't "Get a Whoopi Goldberg outfit, like a big tent"; women, or "babes, chicks," and "skirts"; dating, or "legal prostitution"; the women's movement, which Rush Limbaugh loves, "especially when walking behind it."

AFTER THE JUMP: John Boehner defines rape; why "too many Americans will not be able to realize the American dream" if they refuse to shack up for life; Michele Bachmann looks to the left.

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Bob Nelson of Protect Marriage Maryland has come across a piece of U.S. currency that disproves same-sex marriage once and for all. "I'm holding a $20 bill," Nelson announces. So far so good. "Now, if you want to find out whether this is counterfeit or not, you can look at it in the light, perhaps, or compare it with some other bills, but you probably should check with the people who print this money to see whether it really is legal and not counterfeit," Nelson continues. "But when we talk about marriage, how do we know whether marriage is authentic, or whether it's counterfeit?"

Spoilers:

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Shackles (Photo: Associated Press)

Virginia is considering a statewide ban on shackling women during childbirth. Just how many women could be affected by that policy, anyway?

Plenty. A 2006 report in the American Journal of Public Health pins the national arrest rate at 3.2 million women annually, and estimates that at any point, between 6 and 10 percent of incarcerated women are pregnant. In 1998 alone, 1,400 women gave birth while incarcerated in the United States.

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Last year, the state of Virginia received an F-plus grade for its treatment of mothers behind bars. This year, the legislature will consider remedying one of the most conspicuous indignities facing incarcerated women: Shackling during childbirth. Del. Patrick Hope has introduced a bill banning the use of restraints on prisoners during labor, delivery, and postpartum recovery. 

Virginia's previous efforts to ban shackling have met resistance from the state's Department of Corrections:

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IN NON-SHAME-RELATED NEWS: Virginia Episcopalians voice support for "public blessings of same-gender unions." The Washington Post's Julia Duin writes: "Time was when the Episcopal Diocese of Virginia was way too conservative or even middle of the road to consider such an action. The northern tier of the diocese used to be populated with several large conservative congregations that would have never agreed to same-sex blessings. But these congregations pulled out of the diocese several years ago in response to the 2003 consecration of New Hampshire Bishop V. Gene Robinson, the first openly gay Episcopal bishop."

ELSEWHERE around the state: "Democratic lawmakers are pushing for new legislation that would make Virginia more welcoming for gays and lesbians. . . . Lawmakers announced support for bills that would end discrimination against gay Virginia state employees, strengthen anti-bullying laws in Virginia schools, and repeal a 2006 amendment to the Virginia Constitution that forbids same-sex marriages."

MORE SHAME than you can shake a stick at, after the jump:

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While it's not considering whether to remove its citizens' human reproductive organs entirely, the Virginia legislature is seeking out new ways to honor the products of the state's sexual congress. A state Senate bill introduced by Bill Stanley would guarantee "unborn children," from conception to birth, "all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of the Commonwealth" (with exceptions for all the aspects of the state law and the U.S. Constitution that depend upon not considering fetuses full people).

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Sandeen (fifth from left), handcuffed to the White House fence (Photo: Associated Press)

Last April, Autumn Sandeen traveled from San Diego to Washington, D.C., donned her Naval uniform, and handcuffed herself to the White House fence. Eight months later, the civil disobedience paid off: On Dec. 22, President Obama signed a repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” into law, allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly in the U.S. military. At Tuesday night’s State of the Union address, Obama urged the nation to celebrate the fact that "starting this year, no American will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love."

Still forbidden from military service, though, are people like Autumn Sandeen. Sandeen isn’t gay—she’s transgender. And as the gays and lesbians who joined Sandeen in protest prepare for open military service, trans men and women are being warned to remain in the closet. The National Center for Transgender Equality has advised trans soldiers to "be aware that coming out as transgender will almost certainly end your career in the military, may lead to disciplinary action, and can have other very negative outcomes for you, and your family.” A Department of Defense report on DADT further clarifies the issue: “Transgender and transsexual individuals are not permitted to join the Military Services," the report reads. "The repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell has no effect on these policies."

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This week's advice: Don't observe flatulence, don't make excuses. (Photo: Associated Press)

Truncating the week's advice columns:

Contact the boss of the boss who won't let you jet off to Paris for one last week with your war-bound hubby. Most people you work with probably already know you're gay. Pester your boyfriend about marriage, but don't make him take a second job to fund the nuptials. You are not obligated to display the artwork of a child you barely tolerate. If your friend can't accept the fact that you're too broke to bankroll your bridesmaid duties, skip the wedding. Stop e-mailing the long lost love you claim you have no feelings for. You may cut off all communication with your mother if she refuses to stop stalking your boyfriend on Twitter and relaying her findings to you. Inquire as to whether your man will put a ring on it before you deign to live with him. There is no expiration date on thank-you notes. Confront the coworker you accidentally ran into while volunteering at the clinic she pickets. If your best friend got a date to the prom and you didn't, just ask someone out already. Tell your son to discuss his estranged wife's gun ownership with a lawyer. In order to reform the logorrheic, make it unrewarding for them to spew in your ear. Enforce your marry-by deadline. People who simply wish to inform advice columnists about their personal lives make for a dull chat. [Dear Prudence]

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Waldorf, Md. pair face bawdy charges. (Photo: Associated Press)

A WOMAN AND MAN have accepted plea deals after being charged with running a Waldorf, Md. brothel—poorly. Police arrested [Patti] Tippett, 45, and Travis Morrison, 30, last summer after conducting a sting operation at the home. On July 9, two undercover detectives posing as prospective clients visited the home, where a woman directed them to Morrison so he could 'screen' them and make sure they weren't law enforcement officers, court documents state. Morrison spoke with the undercover officers and went over the 'rules of the house' with them, the papers state."

AND AFTER THE JUMP: A single-fingered dinosaur is discovered! A gay man on abortion! Bieber's best song!

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Are you a woman who has always longed to impersonate a man impersonating a woman? Head down the drag rabbit hole with the Imperial Court of Washington, D.C. at the first annual "Miss Faux Queen National/International," a "pageant for bio-females with a drag queen caught in their body." So far, organizers have found four local ladies suffering from the affliction.

"There are a lot of women out there who come up to me and say, 'I wish I could do drag,'" says sometime drag performer and pageant coordinator Emperor John Richard. "There just aren't many avenues for biological females to perform in this manner," Richard says. "Well—There are strip clubs."

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Zach Phelps-Roper (Photo: TBD Staff)

Parents, teachers, sex reporters, and other adults looking for a creepy window into the sex lives of our nation's youth! Welcome to TBD's digest of local college sex columns:

REAL TALK: VAGINAL SMELLS. The University of Mary Washington Bullet investigates vaginal scents, and their role in "attracting" or "repelling" men. "Certainly, vaginas do not always smell terrific," Sexclamations columnist Erin Hill writes. "On the other hand, if your vaginal odor is more like a vaginal stench, that could be indicative of an infection or STD. In general, however, every woman has her own unique scent, which can vary throughout her menstrual cycle." BUT WILL IT MAKE OR BREAK YOUR RELATIONSHIP? "common sense tells us that if you’ve gotten close enough to a vagina, you already find the woman attractive enough to be in bed with her," Hill writes. "A woman’s special blend most likely plays only a minor role in attraction, if any at all."

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What do you call it when a gay man uses an anti-gay expletive during an alleged assault? (Photo: Associated Press)

Kevin “Jaden” Perry, who is gay, was briefly accused of committing a hate crime after becoming involved in an incident with a man on the street who allegedly called Perry a "faggot" outside 17th street gay bar JR's. The hate crime designation was later dropped; Perry is now facing assault, weapon possession, and threats charges. “I never assaulted the guy,” Perry told the Blade. “I called him out for calling me a faggot . . . I was on 17th Street on a gay street and I just wasn’t going to take that.”

From the Washington Blade: "A police report filed in court, based on accounts by the panhandler and an unidentified witness, quotes Perry as calling the panhandler a 'faggot' at the time Perry allegedly assaulted him. 'I will kill you. You’re a faggot,' the report quotes Perry as saying. 'I’m a real faggot, bitch. You don’t want to fuck with a real faggot, bitch. I will fucking kill you.'" Perry denies making the threat, swinging at the man with a chain, and punching him in the back.

AFTER THE JUMP: Foot fetishes; drag queens; imagining "if Taye Diggs was Jamaican in every third movie":

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The Gay and Lesbian Liaison Unit, the main link between D.C. police and the LGBT community, is upgrading its lines of communication: It's ditched its outdated phone pager system in favor of a "more modern Blackberry device" with cell phone, text message, and e-mail capabilities. The switch will allow gay, lesbian, and transgender crime victims to more easily reach their advocates in the D.C. police department, and help the GLUU to "facilitate real time response to members of the community," Captain Edward Delgado wrote on a police listserv.

But technology isn't everything. The GLLU's sudden phone upgrade illustrates a more basic communication problem between the unit and local gay groups, who are often instrumental in the GLLU's success.

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D.C.'s LGBT youth speak out (Photo: Associated Press)

D.C.'s Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League (SMYAL) has produced a new report [PDF] on the challenges facing LGBT youth in the District of Columbia—and how they perceive these challenges.

"Today, the local landscape for LGBTQ youth seems to be one of both tremendous opportunity and dire need," the report reads. "The LGBT community has made significant progress in securing additional legal recognitions and protections and increasing visibility and awareness of LGBT issues. At the same time, the economic downturn has reduced the availability of jobs while driving up demand for social services, leaving many families and youth without ready access to key needs such as food and housing."

That dynamic may inform one of the report's most interesting findings. Though LGBTQ youth in D.C. experience higher rates of substance abuse, homelessness, depression, and violence than their heterosexual peers, they don't view stigma over sexual orientation and gender expression as a major contributing factor in this divide.

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As it turns out, American University's recent counter-protest of the Westboro Baptist Church produced more than just clever signage and good feelings: It also raised over $1,000 for school and city LGBT groups.

Tonei Glavinic, head of the school's Queers and Allies student organization, says that the group raised over $400 at the event, to be split between the school's GLBTA Resource Center and local organization the D.C. Trans Coalition. AU Queers and Allies also netted an additional $125 in matching funds culled from annual student activity fees to support the club's spring programs. Finally, a Phelps-a-Thon campaign for the protest convinced individual donors to raise "slightly over $500" for the student group.

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IN A CRY of "we love babies," the pro-life masses have vacated the District of Columbia once again, departing in a fleet of tour buses back to the Midwestern states from whence they came, leaving only a sprinkling of conservative promotional materials, piles of horse poo, and lingering questions over the providence of the eternal umbilical cord.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: the strategy; the merch; the props; the march in photos.

AFTER THE JUMP: Business as usual. More sorority sisters! Marion Barry's checkered past with D.C.'s new GLBT head! District girls probably still contracting HPV at alarming rates!

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Some attend the March for Life, the mammoth annual anti-abortion protest on the National Mall, in order to voice their support for the rights of fetuses. Me, I come for the props.

Attendees of this year's march seem to have toned down the blood-and-guts flavor of previous years—no decapitated baby doll headdresses in sight!—but there was still plenty of bizarre fetus illustrations, adorable child-made collages, and gaping womb imagery to go around. Let's take a look!

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