Taylor Swift has nothing to do with the rest of this headline. (Photo: Associated Press)

Oh, hi. Maura here, at the helm for Wednesday’s morning roundup. Can you believe that I have been on this arts beat for so many years without ever having written a morning roundup before? This is my first. So I went to my editor, Andrew Beaujon, for advice about how to write one of these darn things. “Have a theme,” he said. “Be funny,” he said. “Use lots of caps lock and exclamation points,” he said. OK!!! DONE.

But let’s just cut straight to the exciting stuff: This steamy blog post from Woolly Mammoth about the upcoming Vibrator Play. It begins:

At the proverbial climax of In The Next Room or the vibrator play Mrs. Givings proclaims when Dr. Givings first applies the apparatus, “Kiss me and hold the instrument there, just there at the same time.”

Pr0n! This is just what I tweeted that this whole website would be full of, when we launched. But everyone was so tired after launching the site that morning that they didn’t notice. And now: #FIRED. Once you read through the sexy stuff, this post by Production Dramaturg and Literary Manager Kristin Leahey is very informative: It details the circumstances that led Victorian-era women to the diagnosis of “hysteria,” and then asks if relationships are easier and harder in our digital age. Digital. Harder. OK, I’m done now. This is not the last you will hear from me about the Vibrator Play (which opens Aug. 23) and next time I write about it, it will probably not be from the perspective of a recent fraternity pledge.

Next in this girl-power edition of the morning arts roundup: Taylor Swift. Specifically, why hasn’t TBD music reporter Sarah Godfrey written about her new single yet? Inquiring minds (Beaujon, me) want to know. Here is one of the gazillion places where Godfrey could have listened to the new Taylor Swift single since it was leaked last week. Me, I think it sounds sort of like the other ones, but that doesn’t matter, because the only true opinion here is Sarah’s. We wait with bated breath.

Film: People worldwide are squawking about Emma Thompson’s dig on Audrey Hepburn as being “twee” and talentless. Incidentally, my research findings indicate that Hepburn would have agreed with her. She was once quoted as saying, “I probably hold the distinction of being one movie star who, by all laws of logic, should never have made it. At each stage of my career, I lacked the experience.” Elegant and humble. Hepburn, 1; Thompson, 0.

Onward! To recap some stuff that your arts crew at TBD wrote yesterday. Ryan tells you when and where you can stumble across the filming of Transformers 3, right here in Hollywood for Ugly People™. He’s also got a complete guide to the rest of the free movie screenings this summer. Sarah gets radio personality EZ Street to talk about music he likes but doesn’t play at work. He digs Zero 7. Meanwhile in theater, after telling you about how Mary Poppins’ stunts work, I tell you how they go wrong. Good news in this heat wave: Instead of waiting in line outside, if you want Shakespeare Free For All tickets, you can order them from the air-conditioned comfort of your home. Or via your phone while every part of your body is submerged in a swimming pool, if you’re coordinated enough to pull that off. Finally: Click this link to learn about the song “One Night in Bangkok” from the musical Chess. It will be stuck in your head for days. You’re welcome.

But no morning roundup would be complete without news from across the web. Here goes: In the Washington Post, Peter Marks reports that Tony Award-winner and former Cosby Show star Phylicia Rashad will perform at Arena in Every Tongue Confess. Lenny Campello recognizes Pyramid Atlantic for winning big bucks from the National Endowment for the Arts. The Washington City Paper has adorable video of these adorable punk rocker tweens who are probably really mad that I’m calling them adorable. Ragey flight attendant and Great American Steven Slater is the subject of a new Dan Lacey work of art. Also, a Someecard! Getting a Someecard about you is the new getting a Wikipedia page about you, amirite? Lastly: Mark your calendar for zombie tag this Saturday, says Express.