Kegasus was re-watching the 1973 Preakness Stakes when I called, rooting on Secretariat one more time. The centaur, or "manstallion," as his marketing materials prefer, is currently engaged in an epic pre-gaming session for the 2011 Preakness, which will take place on May 21 at Pimlico Race Course.
"Twelve ounces seems to be the perfect weight to curl," says Kegasus.
Though Kegasus, who looks like a character Danny McBride might play in a Narnia film, was introduced to the public this week, this year's race will be his 136th. "I've been at every one," he says. "I'm not seen because I have my cloaking device on."
Kegasus, who has his own theme song, was careful to tout the benefits of moderation, a virtue the Preakness is promoting by offering Infield attendees at bottomless mug of beer. This follows a disastrous attempt by the Maryland Jockey Club to class up the "Freakness" by ending the event's long tradition of BYOB.
Throughout our conversation, a transcript of which follows, Kegasus repeatedly urged me to be legendary and challenged me to a cornholing contest at Infield, which I dearly hope is some sort of game.
TBD: In Greek history, centaurs are best known for getting wasted by accident and carrying off the Lapiths' women and boys. Are your kind better with alcohol at this point?
Kegasus: I believe that getting drunk by accident and actually discovering with our unique DNAs what exactly the potential for moderate alcohol consumption can do enhanced one's capacity to be legendary....We've long since made peace and have shared crabcakes and Cheez Doodles and flagons of ale. We are definitely a much stronger, better, and incessantly legendary group of creatures.
I understand that at one point there were some unfortunate two-legged creatures that chose to run on top of the urinals, and Andrew, you have nailed it: To be legendary is to clear the urinals completely. I can and have jumped over virtually every landmark on the globe, so hopping over urinals — that's colt's play.
Is flashing a couple hundred strangers an advisable way to become legendary?
By flashing of course, you mean flash photography. That's certainly something that anyone who wants to document true legendariness can do.
After Zeus' son Minos died, he became a judge of the dead in Hades. As the spawn of a god and a human yourself (Kegasus' parents are Preaknesius, the "God of Thoroughbred Racing," and Shelly McDougal, "a waitress from Ellicott City"), do you have any job aspirations in the afterlife?
I haven't quite determined that I'm not immortal. The legend is quite likely immortal, as is...the sport of kings itself. As soon as I find out whether I am immortal, then I will truly practice my electric guitar skills, because I plane to be lead guitarist and singer for Zeus Zeppelin. I believe that what I'll be doing is playing stone cold rock 'n' roll on Olympus in the afterlife.
Speaking of music, which of the Infield music acts are you most looking forward to? Puddle of Mudd, right?
Well, who doesn't want to either literally or figuratively wallow in a puddle of mud? I don't play favorites. Bruno [Mars], the members of Train, Phil [Vasser], the guys from Puddle, we've all partied, we've all spoken, we've all been legendary separately and together. I can't wait to see them all. I will personally be appearing and approaching and listening to the fantastic tunes being played by each and every band, but frankly, the Jagermeister Second Stage might get a little less of my attention because mainstage is going to be off the chain. Bruno and I have agreed that I'm not allowed to cover his "I'd catch a grenade" song."
Because I want to do a bluegrass version of it.
How is Kegasus groomed?
There is actually an element of the integument to the strata, to the structure of our DNA that causes the hair on our heads to be naturally coated with a material that causes us every day to wake up with perfect hair. As far as the rest of our bodies we have individuals who take care of us on a regular basis. I have been groomed by the best throughout my life on Earth.
What about the rest of you?
Usually beer shampoo and possibly a little bit of the oil left over from the crabcake fry is the best thing to condition the horseflesh.