(Posted 263 days ago)

Do's and Don'ts:

The way we tried to help was by staying AHEAD of our children's development, and talk to them about the pros and cons of new steps in life that would soon be upon them. We didn't wait until there was a problem before we addressed it. We tried to figure out the problems that might be coming down the line, and gear up for it - for us and the children. And we made it a running conversation for many years.

We also tried very hard to move from authoritative parent into "parental friends" (strong and supportive friends - but not "yes" friends or parents. We were never afraid they wouldn't love us if we said No.)

So when the time came for smoking dope,(or something else) they had had some time to think about it, advice from us, time to discuss it with friends or other adults. And they knew, since we couldn't be there all the time, that the responsibility of who they were going to be was, at the end of the day, on their shoulders...even though we were their support team. And, I'm glad about our approach because it led into and adult relationship where we all talk and share information.

One thing they just hated was when we thought they were complaining too much about how "everybody" had one thing or another and poor them, they just didn't have anything (ha!). So, we'd tell them that "the law says..." we, as parents, were only responsible for clothing, food, medical care, school through 12th grade, and shelter. But we didn't have to have a house in an enclosed community, or shop at the Mall (we could go to thrift shops). We didn't have to buy the best clothes and food, and eat out so much. And we didn't need to take them to Dr. so and so, when we could just go to a clinic somewhere. We didn't need to buy the leather basketball shoes when canvas was just fine. That usually stopped the "poor me" and I hope made them realize how much they did have.

Say This:

Below is pretty much (it's been awhile) how I started an ongoing conversation with my oldest when I first started talking to him about his teen years. We had been out running errands and as I parked the car in the garage, our conversation sort of turned so I could approach him about drugs, etc. We sat in the car, in the garage for a long long time. I think you have to take advantage of the mood and situation, and when it feels right just start talking together...in the car or at a diner...or park. I don't think these talks have to be planned or formal. But they do take time. So I pretty much remember saying....

"Geoff: I know that you know your Dad and I can't always be around to monitor what you're doing. You're going into 8th grade, and you're changing a lot...and even more and more while you're in your teens. So I just want to talk to you a few minutes about some stuff that's going to hit you. It's really important these coming years that you think about who you are and what you want your life to be like, because each year now, more of what you do will affect your future.

I know it's hard to believe, but some decisions now will have effects on you in 2 or 5 or even 10 years from now. (What'da you mean?)

Well, like, during junior high and high school you're going to be offered dope, or teased about drinking, and having sex, and it's easy to fall into what you think might be popular, fun and exciting, without looking at the consequences. And Dad and I won't be there to tell you what to do. You're smart and already know how what you do can affect you later.

Remember when Dad and I had no style? And you hated the things we got for you for school? They were uncool and too big. So we gave you 1/2 of your school clothes money? We bought the dull stuff, underwear, socks and so on, and you got to buy the "outside" clothes to be cool and stylin? What happened?

You bought clothes that fit you "just right",and you looked great - for a while, but you couldn't fasten you pants by Thanksgiving? And then they were up over your ankles and it looked like you were going wading??(and we laughed at that). But, you were brave, didn't complain so we got you a few early Christmas presents - like pants and shirts, that sweater-jacket.

But,it won't be that simple later on. What if you end up in jail because you're caught with dope; or you get a DUI (or more than one); or a girl gets pregnant. Are you ready to take on those consequences? Having that stuff on your record could affect college and jobs. Or you might give up college, or have to work and go part time? Will that get you what you want in life?

You know we'll always be here to help and support you and talk things over, but more and more you're going to have to make bigger and bigger decisions. So, I'm not going to lecture you on whether to smoke dope, or drink or even on sex. But, Dad and I are here anytime you want to talk, or when any of these things become an issue for you. You probably can guess how we feel, but sometimes it gets all confusing and people need to talk, so just remember we love you and we're here and we aren't going to be shocked or mad or condemning of any type of question or subject or issue you want to talk about."