Fantasies During Sex: Welcome Them

MichaelCastleman

Posted: Apr 20, 07 8:02am

A few years ago, a survey asked married couples: "If you're sexually faithful to your spouse, is it okay to fantasize about having sex with someone else?" According to a New York Times report, more respondents said no, 48%, than yes, 46%, with 6% declining to answer.

Meanwhile, other surveys have shown that while making love, the vast majority of people fantasize about having sex with other partners. In fact, in a study some years ago by University of Vermont researchers, sex with another partner was the most popular fantasy—84 percent of the 178 respondents reported it. Many also expressed "significant guilt" about it, calling fantasies of other lovers the moral equivalent of unfaithfulness, and harmful to their relationships. In addition, those who felt the most guilt about fantasies of other lovers also reported the least overall sexual satisfaction.

Great sex is a combination of friction and fantasy. Most lovers enjoy the friction. But many feel uncomfortable with their fantasies. What a shame to feel guilty about something as normal and healthy as fantasies during lovemaking—any fantasies.

If you feel "mentally unfaithful" fantasizing of others, perhaps I can suggest a way to reframe such fantasies that may help you forgive yourself. Try to think of lovemaking as a form of meditation.

In meditation, people take a break from their usual activities. They sit quietly, breathe deeply, empty their minds of all conscious thoughts, and repeat a simple word or phrase (mantra) over and over again. Meditation is deeply relaxing. It helps practitioners feel spiritually connected to the world outside themselves, and ultimately with the universe.

But emptying the mind is surprisingly difficult. Random thoughts flit in and out of consciousness. Meditation teachers advise simply accepting these thoughts without judging them, no matter how strange they might be. Teachers say: Your thoughts during meditation are no reflection on you. They're simply there, like dreams. You're not responsible for them. Observe them, then let them go. Refocus on your mantra—and emerge feeling deeply relaxed and refreshed.

Lovemaking is similar. It involves taking a break from the rest of life, breathing deeply, relaxing, and transcending the self to feel deeply connected with your lover. Afterward, lovers emerge feeling refreshed and relaxed. Lovers substitute sensuality for mantra. But in most respects, sex is similar to meditation.

During sex, it might be nice to empty the mind of everything except thoughts of your lover. But that's difficult, if not impossible. Other thoughts—including fantasies of other lovers—inevitably intrude. As in meditation, accept your fantasies without judging them. They are no reflection on your morality, faithfulness, or mental health. In fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong.

The only time sexual fantasies might signal a problem is if you consistently fantasize about making love with one specific other person—and take steps to make that happen. That suggests a relationship problem. But here we're not concerned with ending one relationship and starting another. We're dealing with true fantasies, the fleeting notions that occupy the mind for a moment then go their merry way.

Relaxation is key to sexual fulfillment. Accepting one's fantasies during lovemaking allows greater relaxation, which adds to sexual fulfillment. Feeling guilty about sexual fantasies injects anxiety into sex. Anxiety interferes with sexual fulfillment. No wonder that in the University of Vermont survey, those who felt most guilty about their fantasies reported the least sexual satisfaction.

The late comedian Rodney "No Respect" Dangerfield used to tell a story of making love with his girlfriend. They were going at it passionately, but something was wrong. Neither was becoming aroused. Finally, Dangerfield disengaged and asked: "What's the matter, babe? Can't you think of anyone either?"