Cheating husband

If your objective is a guaranteed safe landing, then don't confront him at all. If your objective is to be treated with the respect and dignity you are owed as a wife, lover, companion and helpmate, then you have to take a risk.

This is an either/or situation, unless you don't care who he is sleeping with as long as he comes home to you ... occasionally.

I believe you need to take some time to prepare yourself for whatever outcome occurs. This means having an alternative place to go if he should want to continue to have his cake and his Penny.

It sounds as if you took up with him when he was cheating on her and now he is cheating on you. The lesson to be learned here is that cheaters cheat, period. It is hard wired into their systems and they get off deceiving their partner.

Give him options: Tell him that you are a "hereafter girl" and if he isn't here after what you are here after, he is going to be here after you are gone! Fidelity is central to marriage for most of us and your hurt sounds like you are on that side of the issue.

Don't approach the situation with anger or recriminations. You need to go in like an attorney who represents you and present your case, point by point.

Regardless of his answer, I would strongly recommend counseling for the two of you because a promise is as easy to break as a a couple of eggs. He could promise you the world to protect his position but turn around and cheat again soon after his "I'm sorry, baby, it'll never happen again." If he was for real, he wouldn't have to say I'm sorry because he wouldn't be cheating from the day after he married you!

Good luck and God bless.

It never occurred to me that cheaters "get off" deceiving their partners... Wow. I had a light bulb moment. Thank-you!

~H

There are as many types of cheaters as there are cheaters. It's not fair to say or even imply that "All cheaters......" do anything other than break a promise.

Sadbird's husband could be terribly torn, could possibly love both women. There are many people who are by nature polyamorous, capable of loving more than one person.

Talk to him. See a couples' counselor. Make no hasty decisions. There is no way this "has to be" and perhaps a solution tenable to all is possible.

I just wanted to clarify one point: I don't know if he cheated on her with me. When I met him he was alone from what I could tell. We were together most of the time and I never considered he might have some one else. In hindsight I could simply have asked. But at the time he seemed like a person of integrity.

Just to clarify: I only found out that we got together while he was cheating on her after we got married.

And as an update: I suggested counseling and he refused. I gave him time to think about what he was doing and nothing changed. So I left him last February.

Sorry about the breakup but you did your best and now you can move on without always wondering "what if I..."