Hello All,
I am struggling with a recent disagreement between my aging mother.
A little background, she is 82 and has dementia, but is still functional and able to live on her own.
I came to Texas in 1998 to help out with my father who had Parkinsons and newphew. My newphew was living my parents at the time and causing a lot of problems...the drugs, trouble with the law, dreds in his hair, etc...
Fast forward...newphew commited suicide in 2000, my father passed away in 2003, and estranged from my sister who lives in Florida. My sister holds me accountable for her son's suicide and because of this, rarely visits our mother in Texas. So I am on a solo mission in the care of my aging mother.
My mother and I recently had a disagreement regarding her giving me Power of Attorney, which I need to better serve her needs. Without this I have to take time off of work, go to her house so she can pass the phone off to me when talking to insurance, investments, etc. Needless to say it is a sore subject. She believes if she signs off on a POA, first time she becomes incapacitated, I will swoop in and lock her up in a home. Which is not true and is insulting.
This most recent disagreement, she really said some disturbing things to me, which has brought up the past and childhood issues. For the moment, she has colored the way I look at my relationship with my father. She said she was NEVER going to ask me for anything ever again. I was ungrateful for all of the things she has done for me and how she has always been there for me.
I guess what is really bothersome, is she cannot remember 1) All of the good times we have had since I moved here 2) All of the many things I have done for her 3) and I believe she would not be alive today if I had not moved to Texas.
I am very sad and confused.
I have a lot on my plate. 2008 seems to be my year for big changes. My son graduates from college, he is getting married in October...love and adore his fiance and my daughter, who is single is pregnant and due in October. She has not told anyone yet, except for the guy...who is not the ideal candidate for fatherhood. I have tough job...a lot of hours and office politics. One saving grace, is my daughter has a bright career, owns her own home, etc. and she is keeping the baby if all checks out with the genetic testing.
Blah! I feel very weird inside...constant butterflies in my stomach.
Does any of this make sense or does it sound like the ramblings of a crazy person.
I hesitate to talk to any of my friends about this...it is just too much drama! Who needs it! Everyone has complicated lives.
Sleepless in Corpus Christi, Texas....
Posted: Mar 18, 08 9:51pm
I think that you are doing great if all you have are butterflies in your stomach! You really do need to slow down and sort out your life before it becomes overwhelming.
Your sister is probably suffering from the loss of her son and can't deal with it logically. You aren't going to be able to get much help from her because she needs help, herself. she is overwhelmed already.
So, are you able to get cooperation from your daughter so you aren't doing everything alone without a support network?
You might need the help of the court in order to gain Power of Attorney. You shouldn't wait until there is an emergency. Being paranoid is understandable. Don't take it personally.
Do you have photographs of your life together? She can't help it if she can't remember things. Try to be understanding instead of defensive. (I'm sure that's easier said than done.) Try to make time to reminisce. It will be good for both of you.
There's a lot going on in your family. Try to be tolerant of everyone. Drama is the way we act when we can't cope.
You have to rise above it and see it for what it is.
And, get a good tranquilizer!
Arlene
Posted: Mar 20, 08 8:15am
Thank you for your comments.
You are right, I need to get rid of the defensive feeling when dealing with her.
And I wish my doctor would prescribe some tranqs...it is hard to find a doc who will...oh well...probably for the best.
Take care.
Posted: May 5, 08 9:43pm
Hi Blondie. My mother just died at age 81 from complications of Alzheimer's and emphysema. In the end, she was at home, family and hospice by her side, watching her take her last breath.
It's gonna be a bumpy, complicated road - there's no avoiding it, I think. Talk to everybody about it - you're gonna need all the comfort you can get, now, and even more later. When your mother does finally check out, you'll get the big wallop, regardless of what she said or didn't say in her final days.
They say that folks with dementia die twice - the person you knew changes, and then she dies.
This is by far the hardest part of my life so far. Wish I could say something to take away the hurt, but...you're gonna have to roll with it, baby. Do whatever you need to do.
Posted: May 6, 08 9:46am
What you said...they say that folks with dementia die twice...well there go my butterflies in the stomach again.
All of this is so over whelming, I DO really appreciate hearing from those who are and have gone through caring for an elderly parent.
The one thing I need to kick, is the guilt trip I lay on myself. You see, I am not very tolerant of her actions. I suppose I am still a little in denial. It seems she does some things for attention and I cannot disguish between the two. So I walk away feeling like the biggest jerk!
I want to be like Florence Nightingale or Mother Teresa, when it comes to her situation. It is just not there, too much going on in all aspects of my life.
So to end my ramblings AGAIN, I started seeing a counselor. I am able to put things into perspective and move on.
Now - a very stupid question for you! What are Hornitos?
Trish.