The Committer: Meet Chris
Read his story and see your assignment at the end. Chris is 51 and lost his wife to cancer almost three years ago. He was devastated by her death, and still feels the loss of his soul mate. They were best friends, and she gave up her career to be a stay-at-home wife. She supported him while he pursued a demanding and rewarding career and he wants his next partner to also stay at home. Besides losing his wife, Chris's biggest regret is that they never had children. Since he is only interested in women his own age, marrying someone with children would be ideal—he thinks he'd make a great step-dad. But Chris has been dating online for more than a year now with little success. He is surprised by what he sees as the new breed of single women who seem to be out for a good time, rather than seriously seeking a life mate.  He isn't really over his wife—he's hoping a new woman will help him with that.  - He has traveled the world many times over, for business and pleasure. - He has a Harvard MBA and is the CEO of a successful company. - His beautiful beach home near Cabo San Lucas. - He is a man who knows what it takes to make a marriage work. - He is a voracious reader—his favorite genre is historical fiction. - Chris sits on several boards and is a major donor to numerous charities.  - People who squander love, especially in light of how fleeting it really is. - Women who seem to put their career and their "freedom" above their family, children and potential life partner.
- The Top 10 Tips for Making a Great First Impression (pdf file).
- The Online Dating Group. Join today.  - Fly fishing - Traveling - Fundraising for charities  Although Chris has little experience with failure and rejection, he has recently blown several promising romances by coming on too strong, according to the women involved. He is a man who likes to cut to the chase and is very up-front about seeking a wife and, hopefully, step-children to complete his life. For some reason this is turning women off.  Help Chris (and other commitment-seekers like him) by answering the following questions. Just click "reply to this post" and share your tips and tricks to help him succeed: 1) In an online dating profile, what should he highlight about himself and what should he leave out? Should he mention that he's a widow? 2) Chris is not really over his late wife. How can he be honest about his feelings without scaring potential partners off? 3) Some would say he's got the "smell of desperation." Give him some tips to not appear so eager when meeting new women. Have Something to Say? | ADVERTISEMENT  |
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Posted: Sep 24, 07 2:59pm
I'll never forget that after breaking up from a lengthy relationship, and on the prowl for some dates, I was having coffee with a female friend. She asked how my efforts to secure dates was going. I said not very well. She suggested that I was putting off a bad vibe (smell of desperation although I wasnt feeling that way), and recommended I stop looking. In fact, she said you may need to get comfortable with yourself first.
Two months later, after following her advice to the T, I met Deborah, the most amazing person I have ever met. We have been happily married for 20+ years and I have a bigger crush on her today than ever.
Posted: Sep 24, 07 9:29pm
I love your story Gordon, because it reminds us all that sometimes we have to take a dating break. A missed opportunity can simply be meeting the right woman at the wrong time in your life.
Posted: Sep 24, 07 4:57pm
I would have been more interested in a widower than a never-married guy, or a multiply-divorced one (er I am a multiply-divorced woman, but whatever), so I absolutely think it should be included.
If he wrote something like: "I really loved my wife and I always will. But I have room in my heart for a new commitment, and a new family." And if he really wants to date someone his age, he should show that in the age range selected. Don't say "35-50" because any 50 year old will read that as "35-40" and assume the family he is talking about would be his biologically.
Posted: Sep 24, 07 8:00pm
I really like how you put it, "I have room in my heart for a new commitment and a new family."
Posted: Sep 26, 07 5:31pm
I love the comment "I really loved my wife and I always will. But I have room ..." Absolutely excellent!
Posted: Sep 24, 07 5:01pm
1) Chris should highlight his long, successful marriage. That makes him a catch. He should be frank but low-key his material success. He's well off, but it hasn't turned him into an ass. And he should state his hope to step-parent. He wants to do this, and being upfront about it should appeal to women with children.
2) He should never say: "I'm not over her." This implies that he's still so wrapped up in his late wife that he has no emotional space for anyone else. If I were Chris, I'd say: "I still think about several loved ones who have passed on: my parents, some friends, my wife. I wish they were still here, but they're not, and I'm doing my best to move on and live my life to the fullest."
3) Chris has a lot to brag about: his Harvard MBA, his CEO position, his wealth. If I were him, I wouldn't talk about ANY of that overtly. I'd hint that I'm well educated, well off, and successful, but not get specific. That should make him intriguing and not a braggart. He should talk more about his passions: fishing, reading, travel, and charity work. Down the road when he's connected with a woman who has potential, then he can let the cat out of the bag about his success, at which point the woman will probably think: Whoa, he's not only interesting, he's a real catch.
Posted: Sep 24, 07 5:27pm
I agree with the others' comments. Were I Chris I would lead with his desire for a family, even headline it as "Looking for a wife and ready made family." Let the world know that he was widowed and is looking anew for a life partner and family and say a bit about his lifestyle and his feeling that he will be a loyal husband and excellent stepdad..
Eagerness and enthusiasm are lovely qualities. They just need to come across as eagerness and enthusiasm about a particular woman rather than to get married in general.
Posted: Sep 26, 07 5:37pm
Chris should highlight his education, accomplishments and his hobbies.
He should definitely use Robin's quote about loving his deceased wife and being open to love someone else.
To quit giving off that smell of desperation, Chris needs to well - stop being desperate. Why does a women need to know from jump street that you are looking for a wife and stepchildren? The purpose of most dating arrangements is to see if 2 people are a good fit for each other. He'll never find that out if he doesn't relax and try to get to know the woman.
Also, Chris may have a difficult time meeting and marrying a 50ish woman and expect her to be ready to be a stay-at-home wife. This is the age that most women are beginning to think about retiring after reaching certain soon-to-be earned milestones in their life. One thing he may want to consider is a woman who has expressed an interest in entrepreneurship. She could work from home but I think it's unrealistic to expect to find a 50ish stay-at-home mom. Besides, many 50ish women are now grandmothers. Yours truly is in that group. I'm nearly 50 and my kids are 26 and 24 and I have a 6-year old granddaughter so ...
Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher
http://www.carminwharton.com
http://www.therelationshipteacher.