The Switcher: Meet Cathy
Read her story and see your assignment at the end. Everyone was surprised when Cathy left her marriage of 27 years—everyone except Cathy, who always knew she was living a lie. She's now ready to admit that she's a lesbian and is happy to be out of a marriage that had become nothing more than a casual friendship. She feels free, sexually invigorated, and very excited to explore a relationship with a woman. Although she hasn't actually filed for divorce, her husband has moved out, and right into the arms of another woman. (He knows she's coming out and is being supportive.) Cathy is reluctant to start frequenting lesbian bars and thinks online dating would be a way to meet other women without having to wave a huge, rainbow flag over her head.  She hasn't come out to her adult sons or other family members.  - Her commitment to her church, although this gets sticky because of its anti-gay stance. - She is a nationally-ranked, competitive tennis player on the senior circuit. - Her fabulous twin sons, who are now young adults and live in a nearby community. - She is a key volunteer and fundraiser for the John McCain campaign. - She owns and rides several horses, which she keeps on the small "farm" she and her husband bought as a second home years ago.  - Judgment from family and lifelong friends about her decision to "play for the other team." - Wasted time. She should have left her marriage when the twins left home. - Some lesbians' refusal to date women who are just coming out because they have "issues."
- The Top 10 Tips for Making a Great First Impression (pdf file).
- The Online Dating Group. Join today.  - Sudoku - Yoga - Devouring the NY Times on a Sunday morning - Tennis  - Cathy is worried that her sons might see her on an online dating site looking for lesbians. - After a quick visit to a lesbian dating site, Cathy realized that the world of lesbian dating is still a bit confusing to her. Is she a femme? A butch? Androgynous? Why are all these women labeling themselves so publicly?  Help Cathy by answering the following questions. Just click "reply to this post" and share your tips and tricks to help her succeed: 1) In an online dating profile, what should Cathy highlight about herself and what should she leave out? 2) When she starts dating, should Cathy mention that she is just coming out and not divorced from her husband yet? Is there a way to be honest (even humorous) about these things without scaring away potential dates? 3) Cathy's religious and political interests may be turn-offs for many lesbians, but these are important parts of her life. Do they belong in her profile? Have Something to Say? | ADVERTISEMENT  |
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Posted: Sep 24, 07 3:05pm
aren't these profiles under screen names anyway (sorry, have had a ball and chain on my ankle too long). and what on earth would her sons be doing checking out lesbian dating sites?
If she's separated, not yet legally divorced, should not be a big deal.
anything that's a big part of her life should definitely go in the profile, unless she just wnats to get laid, in which case just be sexy. she'll want to lead with the cool tennis thing.
Posted: Sep 24, 07 5:10pm
If her religious and political interests are really important parts of her life, I'd say she should post them in her profile. That way she is more likely to meet others who share them. As long as she is on the road to divorce and is able to be in another relationship legally, then I don't think she needs to mention her current status. But I would mention it early on in the dating process if she gets that far. Ditto with the coming out, but I'd rather see her actually come out before she started dating.
Posted: Sep 24, 07 5:37pm
As usual, I agree with Talia's sensible advice. If her religion and politics are important to her I'd lead with that: "McCain Morman (or whatever) looking for likeminded women. Tennis players a plus." She needn't advertise for a lover per se. A friend who is experienced in the lesbian social world of her city would be a big help right now. I believe she should cast a broad net.
Posted: Sep 24, 07 5:38pm
1) She should state clearly that she's a newly minted lesbian. That's who she is. Maybe some lesbians will run for cover, but others might be intrigued. She should also be frank about her confusions: She's out but not to her sons or family. She active in a church that's anti-gay. And she raises money for a Republican who's also anti-gay. These are all sticky issues. But that's who she is. She needs someone who's looking for a project, so she might as well be frank about her confusion and issues.
2) Plenty of lesbians have heard or lived Cathy's story, coming out after a long marriage that was a lie. Honesty is the best policy. She should be clear about who she is. It'll cut down on replies, but better to have a small group of real possibilities than an avalanche of replies based on lies.
3) If her anti-gay church and anti-gay candidate are important to her, she should say so, and take her lumps when people point out the obvious.
Posted: Sep 24, 07 9:39pm
Michael,
You made me laugh with your comment, "She needs someone who's looking for a project," because it's so true! Lucky for her that there are probably quiet a few lesbians (not to mention gay men and heterosexuals) who are looking for exactly that.
Posted: Sep 24, 07 6:26pm
* includes photos
I don't know about lesbians, but a friend of mine outed himself into the gay community. He had been married, and in long-term committed hetero relationships. Two adult children, active in politics and his work socially.
He started slowly on the online dating sites. Mentioned his 'baggage' and issues. Learned the terminology and viewpoints from the anonymity of the sites. When he did agree to meet, it was for coffee or drinks in a safe, neutral place (there are gay-bashers out there lurking on the sites).
When he let me know, it was via a link when he answered some of our email conversation. Both my wife and I are happy he's happy.
When the time came for him to find a new house, he bought a condo/townhouse in a predominantly gay neighborhood. This is something Cathy might wish to consider. There is strength in like-minded numbers.
He found that as long as he wasn't militantly defensive (MD) about himself and his sexual orientation, he had no problems with his co-workers, politcos, children and two of three of his ex's. One couldn't get over the religious aspect of his outing... When he is MD, there are cultural clashes; but anyone being MD gets into trouble, whether it's over religion, politics, global warming, the war, let alone sex.
Life is too short to dance with ugly people. Cathy, look for the Beauties, forget the real beasts, and try not to hug too many cactuses along the way!
May Cathy's religion accept her... and understand her new life...
Posted: Sep 26, 07 5:48pm
Cathy should be totally who she is. That includes her political and religious beliefs/affiliations.
As with heterosexual relationships, people have preferences. I'm sure not all lesbians would have a problem with the fact that Cathy is just coming out. Perhaps she can say something like, "As I ease myself out, please be patient and get to know me for the wonderful person that I am."
I think Cathy should give serious consideration for telling her son's of this monumental change in their lives. Sometimes we underestimate our loved ones. I'm sure they will continue to love and support their mom. If they don't right away, give them time.
Regardless, she's got to live her life and be at peace with who she is.
Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher
http://www.carminwharton.com
http://www.therelationshipteacher.com