I married an older man, and after 22 wonderful years he developed dementia. I'm in the same boat and it is hard. We have a 16 year old son and it's hard on him too. Books on the subject helped me realize all the feelings I had were normal. It helped lessen the guilt a bit, and I now have an idea of what to expect.

My mother was only 66 when she died ten years ago but I spent the last 8 months of her life caring for her needs as she suffered through cancer treatments. It was devastating but I would not trade a minute of it and I have no regrets for having been there for her.

I just spent the past week in Iowa helping my mother's aunt get settled into her nursing home as the doctors finally told her she would not be going back to live alone in her own home. She never had any children of her own and she is extremely dependent upon others. So much so that it doesn't take long before her friends stop calling or visiting because she makes so many demands upon them and literally drives them away. Her sister is in the same nursing home. Her children put her there because it was easier than trying to take care of her themselves. The two sons live two hours away, the daughter lives 9 hours away. Daughter visits once a year. One son has not been to visit in 3 years and the other son has POA and visits when he has to for one reason or another. She has been there nearly five years now and spends her days sitting in a chair in her room just waiting to die. Their sister who is between the two of them in age is a woman I have a hard time keeping up with--she goes nonstop. After this past week, I hope and pray that I will be like my great Aunt Fern who is on the go constantly from before the sun rises until long after it sets, gardening, visiting people, baking for others, writing stories and poems and filling her time with life instead of like the other two who have given up and are just sitting, waiting for their appointment with death.

I have a lot of respect for those of you who are the caregivers for aging parents. It is a thankless job and takes much from your own life. You are honorable to take on the responsibility and hopefully, you wll have no regrets. It is not easy for sure, to watch those we love deteriorate and know that the situation is not going to improve but get worse as their lives slip away.

You are truly heroes--you may not feel like it but you are. After spending so much time in the nursing home last week, I'll do anything I can to keep my in-laws from ending up in a place like that.

Reading this thread feels like somebody took a page out of my book. Mom died at 80 a few months ago after disintegrating Alzheimer's, then three weeks later Dad breaks his hip, gets pneumonia. The last two months have been from hospital to rehab to nursing home, then another bout of aspiration pneumonia, back to hospital, now back in rehab.

About five years ago we were living across the country from my parents and, when the opportunity arose, we decided to move back home to the left coast to be near them and help manage the inevitable demise. Like everybody in this discussion, we've made some big sacrifices. In many cultures, it is a given that family members take care of each other, often under the same roof.

Do I feel like my life's been hijacked? Yes. Do I whine about it? You bet! Am I doing whatever I can to get through this? Sometimes yes, sometimes wallowing in the mire. My therapist says the responsible, dutiful son is just about played out, and he needs to move aside and let Pan back in. Good advice - but tough when you're hanging out with the hairless howlers and blue-haired droolers day in day out.

Still, at the end of the day, I feel like I'm doin' the right thing. And that thought alone can be enough to get me through it.

Guilt? I used to have lots in & around my mother, she passed 5 years ago now. She made choices in her life that, for me, made it difficult to take her in to live with my hubby & I. So, I helped her get into a senior's complex that was geared to income. I took her to the doctor appointments that involved getting results and at other times to discuss changes in her medication, and worked with our local community care program to set up what she needed. I learned to discern when she really needed me, which was difficult at the best of times because, in my opinion, she cried wolf a lot. My biggest fear was always, would I be there when she really needed me. For her last 5 days I was by her side.

It took about a year after she died, and a lot of soul-searching to release the guilt I felt. Every relationship is different, and in my case, I did the best I could at the time.

I really believe that we need to look after ourself first, otherwise we can't be of any assistance to another. Looking after ourself means different things to each one of us.

I have told both of my kids that when the time comes, to find a suitable arrangement for my care that does not involve me living with either of them.

I wonder if that's why they have 6 kids between them, so I can live 2 months at a time with my grandchildren...<lol>

It's not an easy decision, and there is no one answer to fit all.

Take care, Deb

Just do the best that you can. That can mean many different ways of helping. Organinzing care by others is a way.

Managing their bills; calling companies; decifering through the mail madness and phone menus.

Driving them to appts, by you or finding volunteers through churches, etc.

Visiting on a regular basis, or if they or you can afford, hire companionship.

Hire a cleaning service.

Have dinner with them, either they cook, you cook or you go out.

But doing anything as a burden will only make matters worse. Go to your eye doctor, don't blame your father because you didn't make the time.

I've been caring for my parents since '91. At first it was just moving back to the area, then it was moving in and participating more. I missed work to go to the ER, but thats life.Since 2005, I have had to care for my now 94 yr old Alzheimer mom 24/7. We have no other family and her friends are too old and she doesn't remember them or me. Last year I was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery. So I had to hire help. Then I had a complication which made it more difficult. I had to rely on hired help and friends. Now I'm facing surgery again....2 hernias, which is better, but still I have to bring in help and can't lift anything forever!!!!

This is the hardest work I have ever done, but it is the most rewarding. I will never have this opportunity again.

My sister is taken care of my parents in vt and they put in apartment in her house for them. because of idea putting them in a nursing home. i don't even want to think of that part of it

Yeah i really know what she's going through, My Mother had several health problems. I had to take off of work just to take care of her, and i would get so up set because of no help from the family, unfortunately she past last year of kidney failere.It 's really stressful, and you do feel gulty because of all the pressure that's on. That our parent, that s expected of them to depend on us.