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Age Gap Relationships

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Group admin:: Marbles
Created:: November 4, 2007
: 90 Members

Group Tags:

age gap relationship, toyboy, older woman younger man, sugar daddy

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No longer in love

Posted: Jan 11, 08 9:14am

I don't really think my problem is an age difference issue, but since my husband is 69 and I am 45, I thought I'd post this here to see if anyone finds anything similar in their age gap relationships.

I am no longer in love with my husband. (Married for 25 years.) I have very little, if any, love left for him. I would like to get a divorce, but fear the financial burden it would cause on each of us. I also fear what it might do to my husband emotionally and physically (health-wise).

We are o.k. on my salary plus his Social Security. He was self-employed before he retired, but didn't put away much in a 401K or IRA. So, if we had to divide up what we have, if I initiated the divorce, I would probably end up having to support him. Neither one of us would be comfortable.

I wouldn't want him to be put out on the street. The thought of paying for two households is hard to imagine. I would more than likely have to get the house refinanced to pay him half, if I was able to keep the house and have him move out. I might even have to give him a good chunk of my 401K (a lawyer mentioned this to me).

My husband is not in the best of health, but he can get around, drive places, wash his clothes, minor things around the house. He mostly spends his time rooted in his recliner watching tv. I have tried getting him to go out and join some kind of group to get some social activity during the day while I'm working. He has all kinds of excuses for not doing it.

We have been dealing with his health issues for at least 10 years, so this is nothing new. The health issues aren't the source of problems for me. Our doctor told me the reason my husband has lived this long is because of the good care I gave him while he was very ill. I made sure that he made dr. appointments, took meds, had med lists when he went to the hospital, did research online and had lots of questions for drs. as a result.

The problem is my husband's attitude towards just about everything. He blames the world for all of his health problems. He seems to forget that all of his health problems are genetic issues. Most of his family did not live to see 60, so he hasn't done too badly.

The tv seems to have become a living being to him. I can't sit in the same room while he's watching tv because he yells at it or at the news commentary - and its very disturbing. Some of the things he says are very hateful - if someone gets killed, "its their fault because of their race and they deserved it" - that kind of thing.

He acts mean to people in public - and I avoid going to stores with him as much as possible for what he often does to cashiers when he gives them a LOT of grief. At restaurants, if he can't hear the server, he doesn't politely ask them to repeat it, he makes it their fault he can't hear them and is very mean telling them so.

I really don't know what to do. I have been to counseling. He wont go because he said he wont discuss his personal life with anyone else. He barely will discuss it with me. He thinks I am completely at fault when we have arguments. I will take the blame when its due, but not all of it. We are both to blame at times, sometimes its just one of us, but not always me as he seems to think.

We used to be the best of friends. Now we hardly talk to each other. I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just posting this to get other people's point of views. I know if he was working or was in better health, he would have left already. I doubt if he'd leave now as I am supporting us both.

Tags:

age, divorce

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3 Comments // 4 Members

efollanangel

Posted: Jun 13, 08 3:17pm

zookie wrote:

My husband is not in the best of health, but he can get around, drive places, wash his clothes, minor things around the house. He mostly spends his time rooted in his recliner watching tv. I have tried getting him to go out and join some kind of group to get some social activity during the day while I'm working. He has all kinds of excuses for not doing it.

I can relate to that. Our difference is I am not in your situation where it's hard for you to get out.

I did. I broke off the engagement. I have this nagging guilt -- just as you described -- but it's done me good.

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michaelbossons

Posted: Jul 9, 08 4:00pm

My God, when you married him, you must have been in your early 20 somethings? And your husband must have been 44?

I think that's beautiful. I know the problems with being in a relationship where the couple is seperated by generations. And now, you've had 25 years together, 15 filled with completeness and comradie amongst the generations that you and your husband felt had been unparrelled. Ten of which have been less than sublime because of very real problems and some health issues. I know how maddening it can be when you reach a point where the deep abiding and exciting zest of the relationship starts to take on a more mondain reality, as you become a caretaker. And yes, sometimes the caretaker ends up needing a sabbatical. Have you considered a sabbatical? You are not alone. Even Allen Ginsburg wrote, the prospects of monogamy terrified him. I guess your finding out the hard truth about living with the people we love committedly so. It's no easy task to be together that long...and especially hard when you find out that you have not had a conventional marriage. I bet you could fill a book with personal annecdotes and stories. (?) You probably already know how much at times it seems strangers and friends tried to save you from the relationship that is beyond generations. I wouldn't be surprised if your significant other never really gave you any money. (?) Sometimes they don't for fear of being called a sugar daddy. And your finding out that indeed, your husband, not having been conventionally minded is indeed (or has been) a very private person. None the less, you share a deep abiding interpersonal life experience with each other in spite of mundain appearances. Yes, relationships with a much older spouse can be terribly difficult and considerably so, but remember back at the beginning and that first decade and a half together, and your original inspiration. Much of that is still alive in you...you simply have a new reality of your older lover has become old now. Consider, a sabbatical for yourself, if you can...and see if you can reacquaint yourself with the poetry of the life waged. Much like you and your lover had ventured upon in your life together. The world looks pretty apetizing with all kinds of yummy and good stuff to have, but when it comes to the commitment to a spouse, people will ask, "did she leave him when he was ill?"

My God, when you married him, you must have been in your early 20 somethings? And your husband must have been 44? I think that's beautiful. I know the problems with being in a relationship where the couple is seperated by generations. And now, you've had 25 years together, 15 filled with completeness and comradie amongst the generations that you and your husband felt had been unparrelled. Ten of which have been less than sublime because of very real problems and some health issues. I know how maddening it can be when you reach a point where the deep abiding and exciting zest of the relationship starts to take on a more mondain reality, as you become a caretaker. And yes, sometimes the caretaker ends up needing a sabbatical. Have you considered a sabbatical? You are not alone. Even Allen Ginsburg wrote, the prospects of monogamy terrified him. I guess your finding out the hard truth about living with the people we love committedly so. It's no easy task to be together that long...and especially hard when you find out that you have not had a conventional marriage. I bet you could fill a book with personal annecdotes and stories. (?) You probably already know how much at times it seems strangers and friends tried to save you from the relationship that is beyond generations. I wouldn't be surprised if your significant other never really gave you any money. (?) Sometimes they don't for fear of being called a sugar daddy. And your finding out that indeed, your husband, not having been conventionally minded is indeed (or has been) a very private person. None the less, you share a deep abiding interpersonal life experience with each other in spite of mundain appearances. Yes, relationships with a much older spouse can be terribly difficult and considerably so, but remember back at the beginning and that first decade and a half together, and your original inspiration. Much of that is still alive in you...you simply have a new reality of your older lover has become old now. Consider, a sabbatical for yourself, if you can...and see if you can reacquaint yourself with the poetry of the life waged. Much like you and your lover had ventured upon in your life together. The world looks pretty apetizing with all kinds of yummy and good stuff to have, but when it comes to the commitment to a spouse, people will ask, "did she leave him when he was ill?"

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Posted: Jul 9, 08 4:00pm

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My God, when you married him, you must have been in your early 20 somethings? And your husband must have been 44? 
I think that's beautiful. I know the problems with being in a relationship where the couple is seperated by generations. And now, you've had 25 years together, 15 filled with completeness and comradie amongst the generations that you and your husband felt had been unparrelled. Ten of which have been less than sublime because of very real problems and some health issues. I know how maddening it can be when you reach a point where the deep abiding and exciting zest of the relationship starts to take on a more mondain reality, as you become a caretaker. And yes, sometimes the caretaker ends up needing a sabbatical. Have you considered a sabbatical? You are not alone. Even Allen Ginsburg wrote, the prospects of monogamy terrified him. I guess your finding out the hard truth about living with the people we love committedly so. It's no easy task to be together that long...and especially hard when you find out that you have not had a conventional marriage. I bet you could fill a book with personal annecdotes and stories. (?) You probably already know how much at times it seems strangers and friends tried to save you from the relationship that is beyond generations. I wouldn't be surprised if your significant other never really gave you any money. (?) Sometimes they don't for fear of being called a sugar daddy. And your finding out that indeed, your husband, not having been conventionally minded is indeed (or has been) a very private person. None the less, you share a deep abiding interpersonal life experience with each other in spite of mundain appearances. Yes, relationships with a much older spouse can be terribly difficult and considerably so, but remember back at the beginning and that first decade and a half together, and your original inspiration. Much of that is still alive in you...you simply have a new reality of your older lover has become old now. Consider, a sabbatical for yourself, if you can...and see if you can reacquaint yourself with the poetry of the life waged. Much like you and your lover had ventured upon in your life together. The world looks pretty apetizing with all kinds of yummy and good stuff to have, but when it comes to the commitment to a spouse, people will ask, "did she leave him when he was ill?"

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SannaJane

Posted: Aug 10, 08 3:30pm

zookie, I could have sworn in the beginning of your post you were writing about me! A long story for me to go over, but I totally understand where you are, on probably every level! I too am no longer in love, and only stay because I don't want him out on the street, I don't want to lose the financial position I've worked hard to gain, and I don't want to support him "outside the marriage". Sometimes it's hard enough to support him inside the marriage.... His social security won't even cover the house payment. So ~ hang in there, and know that you're not alone.

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