A Rift in the Family?

Posted: Oct 14, 07 10:51am

The family rifts of rich people make good copy. Who does not like reading about the unseemly squabbles of strangers who have too much money for their own good? The Astor fur coat furor; the unpleasantness between Rupert Murdoch's children and their same-age step-mother; the Helmsley grandson-disinheritance in favor of a dog. Comical, right?

But the Astors, the Murdochs, and the Helmsleys, are just ourselves writ large. Judging from the experiences of my friends and acquaintances, family fights and estrangements are abundant and painful, even when the stakes are pitifully small. (That china bowl was supposed to come to me!)

The rifts may be handed down from generation to generation like a prized heirloom, or they may originate with our immediate relations or indeed with us. Often these feuds are not about what they seem to be about, money, property, but stem from long-held resentments, i.e., Mom liked you best.

A rift in my own family was followed by a reconciliation, and eventually led to ties that are stronger than ever. But I also know of cases where olive branches were rejected, and the estrangement lasted for decades.

Sometimes people are not ready to stop being mad. My remedy: remember the rich. Think about their ridiculous quarrels and mean-spirited vendettas -- so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. They are us, only with more money.

Tags:

family rifts, family estrangements, wills, siblings

Give kudos

EMAIL THIS

4 Comments // 4 Members

NOLA

Posted: Oct 14, 07 8:08pm

AnnBanks wrote:

The family rifts of rich people make good copy. Who does not like reading about the unseemly squabbles of strangers ...

There was a show on TV in the 80s set in a hospital called "Chicago Hope." One of my favorite lines of all time came from a psychiatrist on the show who said "There's no hardball like family hardball." While it's true that nobody can push your buttons and hurt your feelings like your own flesh and blood, we can't squander our families. They're precious.

You can buy china bowls. If you really want one, you can buy it from me--I sell antiques. So don't fight with your brother over that Havilland covered compote. I can get it for you wholesale.

Give kudos

sailordog

Posted: Oct 16, 07 6:58am

NOLA wrote:

There was a show on TV in the 80s set in a hospital called "Chicago Hope." One of my favorite lines of all time came fr...

Maybe rifts aren't such a big deal. Life is short; why not reject those who cause you pain and are more trouble than they are worth?

Give kudos

Milt T

Posted: Oct 16, 07 7:45am

AnnBanks wrote:

The family rifts of rich people make good copy. Who does not like reading about the unseemly squabbles of strangers ...

Very well articulated post.

As a family therapist, I know that this is not an intellectual issue that will be cured by a decision, a mandate or a fatwa. When you put people in close proximity and they have to share both decision making and bathrooms, the number of dollars in their checking account does not alter the emotional reality of the probability of some conflict.

What people are taught as children plays the largest role in how conflict will be resolved. What is the primary tool the family uses to resolve conflict? When it is power, there is the greatest likelihood of dysfunction. Fighting power takes a variety of dysfunctional behaviors and none that are productive.

When a family uses a measure of power sufficient to protect the safety of its members but allows for dispute in the little things like how well done you like your eggs, there is more likely to be bargaining and a continuation of communication about issues.

I had an unusual family in that, as a kid, I was partly responsible for the economic welfare of the family. I earned some money from age eight and worked considerable hours at a real job from age 12. I had a greater say in issues like my wardrobe and some of my entertainment choices because I was paying for it. I did not have a say about where we would live or whether I could get a tattoo, They were welfare and safety issues beyond my ken.

As a therapist, I teach people the skills needed to engage in negotiations and the skills needed to separate out a variety of issues into ones the children can participate in fully, the ones the children's viewpoint is given careful consideration and the ones the children are informed about with

no say.

Everything a child says is given respect and attention. Adults are given special roles by virtue of their role in the family and the fact that certain laws apply in some instances to decision making. Children are treated as adults in training. They are here not to simply have fun and be given everything they ask for but to learn how to select from among choices. They learn a little deprivation as well and respect for others as a road to negotiation.

I also try to teach that family life is not about rivalry. Each person is respected as an individual and there is no competition for love. If love exists and is unequally distributed, it is not love but poison. Love is not the same for each individual. Attention is not love. Attention is according to what is needed by the attendee. Love is what is given freely to everybody inside the circle of family.

From the poisoned tree grows poisonous fruit. In dysfunctional families, you can often trace the dysfunction back for generations. People are born with personalities but they learn tools of living in a family group. The same person who is driven can be driven to accomplishment in one family and driven to rages in another.

When a child grows up in a dysfunctional family there is a tendency to recreate the dysfunction in his or her marriage. We do what we know best. The cycle continues ... for better or worse. The cycle can be broken with training and patience and ... faith.

Very well articulated post. As a family therapist, I know that this is not an intellectual issue that will be cured by a decision, a mandate or a fatwa. When you put people in close proximity and they have to share both decision making and bathrooms, the number of dollars in their checking account does not alter the emotional reality of the probability of some conflict. What people are taught as children plays the largest role in how conflict will be resolved. What is the primary tool the family uses to resolve conflict? When it is power, there is the greatest likelihood of dysfunction. Fighting power takes a variety of dysfunctional behaviors and none that are productive. When a family uses a measure of power sufficient to protect the safety of its members but allows for dispute in the little things like how well done you like your eggs, there is more likely to be bargaining and a continuation of communication about issues. I had an unusual family in that, as a kid, I was partly responsible for the economic welfare of the family. I earned some money from age eight and worked considerable hours at a real job from age 12. I had a greater say in issues like my wardrobe and some of my entertainment choices because I was paying for it. I did not have a say about where we would live or whether I could get a tattoo, They were welfare and safety issues beyond my ken. As a therapist, I teach people the skills needed to engage in negotiations and the skills needed to separate out a variety of issues into ones the children can participate in fully, the ones the children's viewpoint is given careful consideration and the ones the children are informed about with no say. Everything a child says is given respect and attention. Adults are given special roles by virtue of their role in the family and the fact that certain laws apply in some instances to decision making. Children are treated as adults in training. They are here not to simply have fun and be given everything they ask for but to learn how to select from among choices. They learn a little deprivation as well and respect for others as a road to negotiation. I also try to teach that family life is not about rivalry. Each person is respected as an individual and there is no competition for love. If love exists and is unequally distributed, it is not love but poison. Love is not the same for each individual. Attention is not love. Attention is according to what is needed by the attendee. Love is what is given freely to everybody inside the circle of family. From the poisoned tree grows poisonous fruit. In dysfunctional families, you can often trace the dysfunction back for generations. People are born with personalities but they learn tools of living in a family group. The same person who is driven can be driven to accomplishment in one family and driven to rages in another. When a child grows up in a dysfunctional family there is a tendency to recreate the dysfunction in his or her marriage. We do what we know best. The cycle continues ... for better or worse. The cycle can be broken with training and patience and ... faith.

Give kudos

Posted: Oct 16, 07 7:45am

Quote

Comment

spell check

Very well articulated post.

As a family therapist, I know that this is not an intellectual issue that will be cured by a decision, a mandate or a fatwa.  When you put people in close proximity and they have to share both decision making and bathrooms, the number of dollars in their checking account does not alter the emotional reality of the probability of some conflict.

What people are taught as children plays the largest role in how conflict will be resolved.  What is the primary tool the family uses to resolve conflict?  When it is power, there is the greatest likelihood of dysfunction.  Fighting power takes a variety of dysfunctional behaviors and none that are productive.

I had an unusual family in that, as a kid, I was partly responsible for the economic welfare of the family.  I earned some money from age eight and worked considerable hours at a real job from age 12.  I had a greater say in issues like my wardrobe and some of my entertainment choices because I was paying for it.  I did not have a say about where we would live or whether I could get a tattoo,  They were welfare and safety issues beyond my ken.

Everything a child says is given respect and attention.  Adults are given special roles by virtue of their role in the family and the fact that certain laws apply in some instances to decision making.  Children are treated as adults in training.  They are here not to simply have fun and be given everything they ask for but to learn how to select from among choices.  They learn a little deprivation as well and respect for others as a road to negotiation.

I also try to teach that family life is not about rivalry.  Each person is respected as an individual and there is no competition for love.  If love exists and is unequally distributed, it is not love but poison.  Love is not the same for each individual.  Attention is not love.  Attention is according to what is needed by the attendee.  Love is what is given freely to everybody inside the circle of family.

From the poisoned tree grows poisonous fruit.  In dysfunctional families, you can often trace the dysfunction back for generations.  People are born with personalities but they learn tools of living in a family group.  The same person who is driven can be driven to accomplishment in one family and driven to rages in another.

When a child grows up in a dysfunctional family there is a tendency to recreate the dysfunction in his or her marriage.  We do what we know best.  The cycle continues ... for better or worse.  The cycle can be broken with training and patience and ... faith.

Alert me when someone comments on this discussion.

AnnBanks

Posted: Oct 16, 07 8:12pm

Milt T wrote:

Very well articulated post.

As a family therapist, I know that this is not an intellectual issue that will be cured b...

We're all dealing with some dysfunction or other, but I think it's important to try and muddle through. Sometimes you do have to cut people loose, even family members, but that doesn't mean rifts aren't a big deal. If they weren't people wouldn't obsess over them so much.

Give kudos