Remembering Mom . . . the Quaker Way

Posted: Jun 17, 08 1:08pm

When my mother died suddenly, I was not surprised to learn that she had planned her own funeral down to the last detail. She’d deposited the instructions with the priest, who was her friend. The service would be at Miami’s Chapel of the Venerable Bede, an Episcopal Church she had attended for 30 years. Everything went off just as she had wanted it, which was a comfort to know. And even though I was no longer a churchgoer, it also was comforting to hear the familiar words of the liturgy I’d grown up with. “The Lord shall watch over your coming in and your going out from this time forth . .” from Psalm 121, and Psalm 23, “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” The priest was not big on including eulogies in the funeral service, so my sister and I kept ours brief. The ritual itself took center stage.

But there was another observance, unplanned and unstructured – the exact opposite of the highly choreographed Episcopal burial rite. At the time of her death, Mom lived in a retirement community that was a good distance from the church. Her friend Doris stopped by to let my sister and me know that there were those in the community who wouldn’t be able to make it to the funeral, but who would still like to be participate in some kind of remembrance. I’d never met Doris before but as we chatted I learned that she was a Quaker. When I told her that my daughter attended a Quaker middle school, we decided to hold a memorial service in the form of a Quaker meeting.

I knew something about Quaker meetings from Cait. The congregants gather together and sit in silence until someone feels moved to stand and speak from the heart. Nothing is arranged ahead of time. When mom’s family and friends were assembled in the community room, Doris explained how it worked. For the first few minutes I was doubtful -- sitting quietly can be unnerving when you’re not used to it, and I wasn’t sure if people would feel comfortable sharing unrehearsed memories. But once things got underway I heard one wonderful story after another, and learned things about my mother that I had never known – and would never have known but for the occasion.

My cousin Barbara told about the time when she was in her 20’s and really broke. Mom took her to lunch and on the sidewalk they “discovered” a twenty dollar bill. Only years later did Barbara realize that mom had managed to drop it herself for her to find. My daughter reminisced about the “store” mom would set up on the patio whenever we came to visit. Anyone who wanted groceries would have to come and buy them from Cait. My Aunt Carolyne remembered that one time when she was in transit through the Miami airport on her birthday, mom showed up in the departure lounge with a cake and balloons.

All these anecdotes summoned mom as vividly as if she were in the room, and once the meeting was over I couldn’t imagine having done without it. For all her love of ritual and ceremony, I think mom would have like it as well, and I suspect she would have joined in the storytelling herself.