Groups > The Challenges of Being Single!

...but I don't understand... why? Why would he spend so much time pursuing other women but not want to let me go? I'm not asking a thing from him; not even a portion of his military retirement even though I went through 24 years of the military with him. I just want a very simple divorce.

I want to live the rest of my life so that my first waking thought isn't "will he forget the other women and allow us to have a real marriage"? I think I deserve at least that. I can't clear my head (maybe my heart too?) unless he gives me a divorce.

This is partially true in some cases; totally true in others.

... and WELCOME Ray! (You may be a guy but I don't want to shoot you...)

Divorce is a traumatic thing; emotionally, financially. A lot of people don't have the courage to face it, even though it may be inevitable. It's kind of like when you're low on money and the bills keep coming in. Your response is that it's overwhelming, scarry. The easy way out is to avoid it. Facing it means confrontation!

I'm sure there are many women (and men) who have gone through the same scenario.

Honestly, you probably need to come up with a plan to leave him -- pack up and leave the house. Get a good attorney and make sure you've taken all the steps that will ensure you get your share of the "estate." I would think that includes half of the house, any 401ks, etc.

He obviously is comfortable with the current situation. You'll have to make the changes -- and I'm sure that's scarry for you as well. You are obviously being taken advantage of.

Good luck!

Thanks, Ray! ...but we've already been separated almost two years and there is no house or "estate"! My husband was always bad with money. We lost one house to foreclosure and sold the other at no profit.

Staying with him for over half my life had nothing to do with security, as you've probably guessed! I'm just stupid and in love.

That's another reason I NEED a divorce... to untangle my credit from his and make my own financial decisions without worrying about how he'll mess it up.

He's a good guy and very generous with what he's got (which is next to nothing), but I need be practical... start a business and get some health insurance right now (which will be difficult while taking care of Mom). AND I have to work on forgetting about him!

Reading all of these posts made me want to explain why I'm separated and not yet divorced. It's not by choice. There's another class of us separated people. And I'm one of these honest people on-line. I'm not yet divorced - it's in the works - and I won't say I'm divorced until I get that piece of paper in my hands dissolving my marriage. I am, however, ready to start dating even though I'm separated, since there's no way that I would ever reconcile with my ex. I haven't lost my faith in finding a man who can be my other half. Being separated (divorce limbo) shouldn't preclude that from happening.

I filed for divorce after 1 month of separation and he's the one dragging his heels. I don't know why, since he's living with the woman he cheated with (BTW, this is the 3rd time he's cheated in 20 years). I want absolutely nothing to do with him anymore beyond the financial support of my sons and the house. Luckily my sons are 16 and 17, so there's no forced visitation issues. I don't have to interact with him much. But for some reason, he still feels the need to email me and to lie to me about the stupidest things - always involving his girlfriend!

I don't want to be separated - I want to be DIVORCED! Him dragging his heels made it easier for me to see that our relationship wasn't about love, but about control and me being the perpetual doormat. That made it much easier to 'get over him'. You can't really love someone who's only 'love' for you is not about you as a person, but about controlling you. It made me realize that I didn't have to 'get over him', but get over the fact that I was lied to and fooled for so long. That's harder to do, I think. No one likes to know they've been used and didn't really matter to their spouse.

I was OK with TBD making a different distinction between separated and divorced. But people should keep in mind that there's lots and lots of reasons people are separated rather than divorced. Separated doesn't necessarily mean that there are still emotional ties. It can just mean that the final cut is taking more time than expected. I would hope that potential dates understand that distinction...

I agree with Daydream. Get some support- friends, a counselor, family - and move on with your life. It's scary, but you can do it if you have other people to help you through it.

You can still get a share of the pension, without his even knowing it. But it will be reduced by how much you would receive on your own account. You might come out a few dollars ahead. And you don't have to ask him for it.