Is my man normal?

I think you know the answer to this problem. If you want to spend your life in a sexless almost roommate type marriage then marry him. You said you were hurt by his comment, and you shoudl have been. He meant to hurt your feelings. It is almost passive aggressive. I would seriously think about the fact that if it is this bad now what is it going to be like in ten. You cannot fix or change people. what you are getting now is the best its gonna be. If you can live happily with that then I wish you the best.

I would seriously have to consider taking this relationship any further (e.g., marrage) without consulting a professional relationship counselor. Both of you should go, but if he refuses... go by yourself.

I should have paid close attention to this red flag BEFORE I married who I married. Sexual compatibility is extremely important to me now.

The man has issues. I might suggest that he has some kind of history of sexual abuse somewhere in his past or that of his family. Do not proceed without counseling for the two of you as a couple. If he refuses, I mean this respectfully, cut your losses and move on. There is definitely something much deeper and malignant going on here, including the possibility, and please do not take this lightly, that he's in the closet and is trying to convince himself and those around him otherwise. Either way, if you don't get to the bottom of this now, you'll regret it profoundly in about 10 years. Trust me, I've lived through a relationship devoid of physical intimacy for a long time, and it was not a healthy marriage by any standard. Eventually it ended in divorce.

Regards,

D

I'm in agreement. He has some issue that keeps him from having sexual feelings. Who knows what it is but you really do need to consider that he may never fulfill you in that way. It is important. Even more so with time.

Your description of yourself sounded great to me. Don't feel insecure about your attractiveness. I will also tell you that confidence and enthusiasm are what makes people sexy. If you have those, you are already ahead of the game.

It's possible that he's passive aggressive as dotee writes. It's also possible that he was sexually abused, as Daryll writes. But IMHO it's much more likely that he's just one of those guys who isn't all that horny.

The myth is that men constantly crave sex. Many do. But quite a few don't. I have several friends who are great guys, mentally healthy, not passive aggressive, no abuse history, totally normal--and they're just not that interested in sex, even if their wives dress up in lingerie or greet them at the door naked, or say the words the actresses in porn utter so often.

You guys have a desire difference. You want sex more than he does. Desire differences are virtually inevitable in longterm relationships. They're a leading reason why couples seek sex therapy. In about two-thirds of cases, it's the man who wants more sex. But one-third of the time, it's the woman. You guys are in this latter group.

What can you do? Several things. First I suggest that you read the article in TBD archive. Use TBD search: Desire Differences.

It behooves you to decide how much sex you'd like in the best case, and in the worst case, how little you can comfortably live with. If you'd like sex twice a week, but can live with three times a month, then that's your comfort range. I urge you to tell your bf your parameters and ask if he can live within them. If so, schedule sex dates at your agreed-upon frequency. If he can't, then you have a decision to make: Live in sexual frustration, relieved if you like with a vibrator. Negotiate some form of nonmonogamy that allows you to get your needs met. Or break up.

If you stay with him, you should also know that some men need to be coached to say things like: You're beautiful. I love you. I can't get enough of you. You may have to do that. Start by telling him something like: I need one compliment from you a day. Chances are you're thinking: Wait, that's not romantic. He should KNOW I need to hear that. Yes, he should know. But apparently he doesn't. So you'll have to coach him. I'm confident he can learn.

Finally, you might consider sex therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, visit www.aasect.org, the site of the Am. Assoc. of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. Sex therapists counsel many many couples with desire differences, and they usually help. Good luck.

Present yourself in front of him "totally naked" and inform him that he can do this the easy way or the hardway..

- perform his "manly duty" and enjoy it

- not perform his manly duty and you'll find somebody who will !