Why Does He Love Porn?

Why do you have to DO anything? That's his private fantasy entertainment. Ask him to tell you if and when he wants to do anything about his fantasies and at that point, you can discuss it further.

I totally agree with Isadora. And I think he gets points for discussing it with you openly. Many men view their porn in secret.

Just because he is into gay and transsexual porn does not mean that he is into gay or transsexual behavior. Just think of all the things you may have fantasized about in your lifetime. We all have those things and they are simply fantasies. Don't do anything (except as Michael suggests give him some extra credit for telling you) unless he wants to change his sexual behavior or yours.

1st of all, i really appreciate being able to talk about this openly here, and all of your feedback is very helpful. i do give him credit for being honest with me. it all started with two situations: when we started exploring anal sex, & hurt feelings he had as a result of me sleeping with another man while we were well into a separation that he wanted. after we reconciled, he had anger issues w/me because he said that me sleeping w/ another man meant that i cared about someone else & that created deep feelings of hurt, inadequacy and anger towards women in him. he said that if i had "just had sex & not cared about the guy" it would have been ok. for a while he couldn't get an erection, i believe because he was devastated by my encounter. i encouraged him, did everything i could to support him, & reassured him of my love. we noticed that he was really enjoying anal. i didn't mind because i wanted him to feel good, to please him as he has always pleased me (we have always had a GREAT sex life). but because he liked it so much, he began to question if he was gay. we talked about it and i reassured him that i didn't think so, that anal is an intense pleasurable experience for some men, physically, because of the prostate stimulation. that helped him, & brought us closer, but he started to question his sexuality anyway. we talked extensively about his feelings from time to time & i believe sexuality is a spectrum where at different times in our lives we may be in any one part of it. i do believe that he has a right to his privacy, but i also think, as he does, that he is covering up his feelings of inadequacy and other feelings associated w/anger that he doesn't know how to deal with, with something that makes him feel so good (the anal). he has asked me to be understanding while he is sorting it all out, and i am. but it is hard, especially when i have no one to talk to about how it makes me feel. and even though my mind can understand & i do love him deeply, sometimes i feel afraid for the journey he is on. for all of us. i know that he has experimented with another man. i found out, and then he told me. he didn't see it as cheating, but as him exploring something he had to do privately. i was upset because he had told me that he would tell me if he did anything, before he did it. but he did not. i dealt w/ it by telling myself it's nothing i can compete with, & it is his private struggle. i don't know if he has done it again. he says that he talks to people on these dating sites, but it's all talk. he has told me i can sleep w/ other men, basically because he feels inadequate, & that i should have "more" (size wise). i have no problem going along w/fantasies, i have them to, but i'm not going to live them out. our sex life has improved, he's been able to get erect for some time now, & we include lots of fantasy & sometimes anal, but he doesn't always want it now. he has told me that just because he says & does these things it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me or want to leave our family. Sometimes i get impatient, & sexually fruatrated, feel unattractive...but for the most part i just want to show him love and kindness to help him through.

As you describe it now, this is much more than your concern about hs porn enjoyment. I don't kow if he's gay, but I do know that enjoyment of anal sex doesn't define someone as gay. As for you having other partners, that's always a tricky issue. You might want to check in on the group that is discussing open relationships. This has been a way for many couples to find their place on the spectrum between monogamy and singlehood, but it is not a step to be taken lightly and is much different in reality than it is in fantasy. There is no reason for you two to be on this journey alone. You may want to consider a couple's counselor. They are not just for people considering divorce. They can be helpful to those who want to stay together, but whose relationship is going through some changes. It might help you two sort things out and make some agreements that will work for you in this phase of yor relationship.

There are two issues - tha lack of sex between you and what turns him on to see. They may or may not be part of the same problem. Watching porn is often an escape into fantasy - no performance pressure, nothing he has to do or be. The two of you need to find out what's going on with him.

Like anything else, porn can be abused and cause problems for the man viewing it, and for those who love him. But just as only a small percentage of drinkers become alcoholics, only a small percentage of porn viewers become like your actor in Drew Carey. Surveys show that porn is the #1 destination of men on the Internet. For the vast majority of men, porn is a form of self-soothing, a brief respite from the stresses and strains of everyday life. It's just fantasy. It doesn't mean anything. You may disagree. But how do you explain the fact that tens of millions of men view porn on the Internet regularly and yet remain loving husbands and productive citizens?

"But how do you explain the fact that tens of millions of men view porn on the Internet regularly and yet remain loving husbands and productive citizens?"

Well, for starters I'd challenge your assertions, premises, and fallacious deductions.

10's of millions of men viewing porn on the internet regularly does not imply that they remain loving husbands and productive citizens. I don't know who these millions are or anything about their relationships. Psychologists and family therapists tell us that internet pornography is one of the biggest factors in relationship problems, breakups, and divorces in the US and UK. I say 10's of millions of men worldwide are living in a fantasy world that doesn't include their wives (unless wife is into it also, then I guess it's cool)

Take a look at the muslim world (especially Iraq). Every Iraqi male that has a computer with a net connection has a computer that is filled with pornography. For all their strict Islamic values, they spend all of their time online viewing western pornography while neglecting their wives and children. Ask any soldier who's had to search their house, it's the truth. Iran, Dubai, Yemen, Oman, Saudi Arabia, all have the same situation going on.

Soothing and relaxing? I can't answer that one That's not how I relax after a hard day of work. I can't even imagine it. I get real excited when I see something like that! I wasn't trying to dis someone for bypassing a gazillion interesting websites to look at something as stupid as porn. Whatever floats your boat. But to claim that it's just innocent fantasy and not affecting your relationships with real women is a denial of reality - it ignores the feelings of women who will tell you that it does upset them.

What I'm saying is that you can call it harmless if you want, but if your wife says otherwise, then you are being selfish and ignoring her feelings on the subject.

It reminds me of my 15 year-old telling me that staying out till 3:00 a.m was no big deal and he couldn't understand why I was so upset about it. One look at my face could have told anyone that it WAS A BIG DEAL. Just my two cents . . .

"If your significant other feels traumatized, betrayed, and horrified then maybe you should get a clue. Obviously it IS AFFECTING your relationship and you simply aren't considering anyones feelings but your own."

The same could be said about *anything*. What if your partner has a problem with your friends? What if she thinks you play golf too much? Or she has a problem with you reading the paper every evening instead of helping with dinner or doing other household chores? Obviously the issue isn't porn at all.

"Psychologists and family therapists tell us that internet pornography is one of the biggest factors in relationship problems, breakups, and divorces in the US and UK."

I'd like to see those references. And not from the American Family Association or the like--scholarly journals only, please.

"Every Iraqi male that has a computer with a net connection has a computer that is filled with pornography."

Really. I seriously doubt every Iraqi male spends all his time on internet porn and is neglecting his wife.

Finally, what about women who enjoy porn? It's not just men, you know.

I'm glad to hear a man express his uneasiness with porn while still being able to truthfully acknowledge that he finds it titillating. In my experience most men simply watch it, enjoy it and refuse to contemplate issues such as the ones you've raised. They need to defend it because condeming it would be a reflection on themselves. You should feel uneasy about watching porn. Porn depicts men using women as vessels to ejaculate on or into. Any man that believes that women enjoy being choked, gagged, gang raped, painfully sodomized ,ejaculated on etc.... is delusional. Sure some women (such as those in the film) will allow men to do these things to them because they derive the little bit of self esteem they have from the fact that they are sexualized by men. As a woman, I to could enjoy porn if the sex depicted was sex that I could actually enjoy.

I think what upsets me most about porn is that men describe what they're watching as "fantasy". Would you be able to explain to me why men find the thought of hurting and humiliating women exciting? (I ask you because you seem more reflective and honest than most.) That is the aspect of porn that I find most disturbing.

Perturbatrix: Fantasy is fantasy. Sex is adult play. I personally don't think any sexual act in itself is demeaning. Granted, the usual porn sex is far from good realistic sex, but you're actually describing a very narrow subset of porn. There is an ENORMOUS amount of porn out there that has nothing to do with hurting women.

Just fyi, some women find the things you describe arousing. Very arousing. And it has nothing to do with low self esteem or being sexualized by someone else. Everyone is different.

Your honesty and openness ROCKS, Mr. Don Pablo:

"So I have pretty mixed feelings about the whole thing. They're my fantasies, but those are Real people acting them out....most of it is more than a little sad."

That is your heart of hearts speaking to you... and you are listening!! Beautiful! :o)

Some might say that woman and explicit porn has "nothing to do with low self esteem or being sexualized by someone else". But the statistics do not support that. Generally speaking, this is not true. And when that is not the case, i would suggest it is always a case of a woman accepting a substitute for what she really wants in her heart.

Many of the women who are victims of sexual abuse do not admit it... even to themselves. No one asks, and they don't tell. All is good, they say. They go about with a smile, a "Good Day", and "God Bless".

A soft and tender heart allows one to see and hear things that others do not. I believe you have such a Beautiful heart, Mr. Don Pablo.

We all have different opinions, different lifestyles, different beliefs. That's a good thing, keeps life interesting. So if your beliefs work for you, by all means, rock on. Just remember what's true for you isn't true for everyone :-)

I don't think you have to be a "strong woman" to cope well with a husband/lover who dips into porn now and then, or frequently. How do you feel when he glances at billboards or magazine ads featuring beautiful women? I'm guessing that doesn't make your heart ache. How do you feel when he watches R-rated movies that show women's breasts or more? How do you feel when he sees paintings of nude women? If you don't feel threatened by those images, what's so different about porn? OK, we know what's different. Porn is frankly sexual. But there's sex that's almost as explicit in R-rated film and on cable TV. Porn is not all that different from other aspects of our culture. Or is it?

Nannon, I don't this has anything to do with strength. Some of us are OK with things that others aren't. You posted a wonderful description of your feelings in another thread and I replied there, so I won't repeat myself. Just want to underscore that there is a big difference between fantasy and reality. The big issue for me is to ensure that we both understand the difference.

nannon,

First try and remember that he is with you to begin with. And as a man who is going thru a very tough situation i can tell you that images of other females are not a reflection on you with your husband. Just a mental release so to speak. And by the way my lady is a c cup and i would like her to be an a cup. So take heart!