Rekindling the Romance (and Your Sex Life)

I totally agree with what Isadora writes. Romance isn't about what you do, but how you do it--with a focus on each other, on making your spouse/playmate feel valued and special. The first step toward that is to reserve time where you focus on each other, not the TV, not the computer, or chores, but each other. In that context, Isadora's suggestions make a great deal of sense.

I'm not even sure if this line of conversation or thought belongs right here. I'm sure Isadora can advise and point me in the right direction ( No pun intended, I assure you ).

I may well be an anachronism. I was raised in the old South and raised to believe that sex, in that era they didn't even use the word, occurred only after marriage. I was a virgin until I was seventeen and on my way to VietNam- After a rather hasty marriage. I had never even seen a woman before, with the possible exception of Esquire and that new one called Playboy.

Subsequently I have married every woman I have ever slept with ...

At this stage of my life this presents a problem. It would appear that most women of a certain age want a sexual relationship well in advance of any serious commitment ...

I totally agree with Singuluss?

As a male point of view: Sex is best when saved for post marriage. Even when remarrying again at age 35!

Saving Sex shows the marriage partner several things:

1) I respect you, 2) I care about your reputation, 3) I don't want people talking about your getting pregnant, and 4) I want to share this learing experience with only you.

TB

The discussion seems to have gone astray from where Isadora began it. She isn't talking about sex or even just romance. She is talking about "coupleness." I know there is no such word, but there should be. Healthy couples all have it, whether it is sharing interest in wine and cheese parties, vacations in exotic places or clipping cents off coupons from the newspapers.

It is the togetherness of activities that keeps couples fresh and close. Her particular suggestions are ones that my wife and I wouldn't care for. We have education up the wazoo and take pleasure from encouraging each other's ideas rather than taking classes on Macreme or Nature Photography.

We need classes like a goat needs a goatee-trim! Vacations? Who has time for them? She works 70 hours a week and in retirement, I work more than I did in my formal working years. I am trying to become the next Donald Trump. I've got 2 condos although I'm expanding more slowly than The Donald's waistline! We love to joke about that.

We build our life around three islands that interconnect:

Self: work and personal interests.

Coupleness: special time to be together to do interesting and playful things and just talk about what we bring in that is news. I used to come home and say, "Today, I worked with three psychotics, a sociopath, two microcephalics and an obsessive compulsive ... and that was just the staff!"

She would respond with the goings on in the Peyton Place School District where a rocking van meant a pair of cheatin' hearts!

Never a dull moment. We went to bed tired but smiling ... a great place to start the night.

Family: Time with our son and his family and special time with our granddaughter aside from the time with them as a family. She is a force of nature and brings her high spirit into our lives and spreads instant sunshine.

We do make special times for each other that are built into our schedule no matter what else is going on. THose times are not based on what we do but simply being together with no other agendas to interfere.

We never found that we got stale. We don't need to force activities to replace gaps in our relationship. We are basically a boring couple to others. We don't like parties, group vacations, classes or barbeque's. We prefer each others' company to that of others - except family and a few close friends. We don't call 100 people friends just because we said "Hi," to them over the backyard fence.

For couples who are not on such firm ground, planning is needed to get started. But if the fun doesn't become spontaneous after some practice, maybe they have to ask themselves if the problem isn't a core issue in their relationship. That is something else that counseling deals with.

No amount of gadgetry will fix a dead marriage, and by dead I mean that there is no love left. The voyage is not a pleasant one on the Good Ship Platitude.

So, go for it. Forget about what others do. Find your own patterns and rhythms and for God's sake, make marriage a healthy state, not a long sentence.

.....Good intentions are often sidelined by the other pressures of busy adults. Sure, both could resolve to give private time together more of a priority but that seldom happens for long....

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BALONEY ....! Why did they get married in the first place ? Today, as people grow up, they are socialized into "me'ism" and their personality seems unalterable. Then, as soon as they marry, this me'ism becomes the dominate trait of the relationship. I see this all the time and I tell people "get a life together or get divorced, because you didn't want to be together in the first place"..!

Since we are talking couples here, it is important they find out if they like each other before they have kids. Then their me'ism is pushed onto the kids and the kids will be miserable or worse, "they grow up just like their miserable parents" !

Hello!

I agree with this philosophy. Your posts are very helpful, Isadora. I am having so many relationship questions currently. My doctor, psychologist, wants me to work on my marriage, and

I am finding this group a great way to do exactly that. I was also born in the

50's Isadora. I live in Indiana. My husband is a hard worker, and our marriage of almost 32 years, with two grown children, means very much to me. We have counselled before, and worked out some of the problems in communication. I even attended group therapy, but found this hard to really talk about my individual problems.

My question is that my husband and I have a great past-time together, and sometimes I cannot get it to work. We

walk with a friend, at the mall, together.

We eat lunch out, and then walk about

three miles together. I would encourage this activity for couples to try because we do this 5 days per week. My husband works on the second shift, so that allows the daytime

routine. The other person is semi-retired, and by the way, a psychologist,

by career. I believe he worked with individual teen counseling at a hospital for five years.

I was enjoying the walks, off and on,

for almost 2 years now. I am not as regular with walking, since my part-time

job interferes at times. The other man

is sometimes disagreeing with me lately. I apologized and sent a friendship card. He took the apology well. The problem is that there is still

a rift in the friendship. One time, my husband refused to take me walking with them. Since then, he seems very distant about this topic. I even imagine, the worst, they might plot against me. This thought is not unrelated to what happened with another mutual friend. Their marriage of many years broke up, with reasons that I thought were very shaky. I cannot

mention this disagreement to my friend that we walk with, but it is hard to not think that the break-up of the marriage was a mess. Maybe I should just let the

situation ride for a while, but any suggestions would be helpful. Why split up a good relationship with walking

with my husband for no good reason?

IsadoraAlman -

I'm sure that these tips will work for some, and maybe even most couples if they would give it a try. My problem or "our" problem is that we let so many years pass while pushing sex to the backburner and pursuing careers and interests, I'm not sure the motivation, desire or interest is strong enough for your suggestions to work. As I've stated elsewhere, there are so many good qualities in my marriage and marriage partner, that I would not want to dissolve it at this time. But changing careers and pursuing a masters' degree set me on one path while volunteer work in the community and in the church set my wife down another path. The solution for me, that some will want to stone me for, is finding romantic love in a secondary relationship. I would encourage my wife to do the same, if it would make her happier, which I've told her and maybe she does. She has taken very little interest in my career or my studies, and I'm guilty of not having the time or interest to learn all the details of her work and church group. She's a charming woman, a great mother, not unattractive, and since I made a commitment 25 years ago 'til death do us part' , I'm happy to share my resources with her and help the kids succeed in school and with their interests. I don't pursue prostitutes or one-night stands, but the intimacy I achieve with those I love outside of marriage seems to be enough for me. (Intimacy doesn't always mean sex.) (And I don't pursue relationships under false pretenses, I don't have sex outside of love and if I'm in love, it's sincere). I would say my romance and sex life with my wife is at a low eb, but I would need something more dramatic, more provocative, than what you've outlined, to rekindle anything romantic in this relationship.

Sorry for writing a book on this.

Oh, yes indeed! Anticipation is Lesson Number One!

Tantra is magic for bringing couples back together. It teaches couples bonding techniques... uniting the genitals with the heart chakra, looking into each other's eyes while making love, etc. Tantra is different from Western Sex in that Western Sex is linear... the objective is the Big O. Tantra is like a long, slow spiral dance, ever moving upward. When the Kundalini energy has been raised to the Crown Chakra, you experience Bliss/Ecstacy. That is a connection with Source Energy (God).

Thanks for the input Isadore you are so on point.

yes, children...work...bills...illness....family....all put a damper on the relationship that in the long run will be the most importan...when the children have grown and developed their own lives...what is left...many times I have sat on the couch watching my partner as he is watching tv and wondered....who the heck are you????....SCARY....what will become of us once our last child has left....will the void be filled then with grandchildren??....honestly I want my friend...lover....and partner back.....We have raised our children....we have loved...and nurtured untill we are exhausted!...when will we have time for us?...and if we do will we even know what to do with this time....We have discussed this briefly here and there....we have tried to go out on "dates"...we have sat and stared at each other across the table....nothing to say...unless it is about a family issue....or about our children and their children....ya know.....we don't even have friends....not those that we do things with....they are in the same sad boat we are in.....I wonder sometimes.....is my marriage over.....I love this man....just don't know how to reach him......very sad.....and I wonder if he feels the same....I have asked....he just looks at me....says not too much.....just walks away......this is not what I believe Marriage is .....but this marriage sucks....and I'd like any ideas on how to unsuck it!

How do I handle the vicious cycle I'm in: he would like more sex, I would like more intimacy. I find it difficult to have sex without periodic hugs, kisses, compliments - not every day, shoot, not even every week, but some time! I've talked about this with my husband many times, yet he still doesn't/can't/won't and I feel worse each day. I rarely deny him sex, and he is a wonderful lover (giving me what I like in that area), but he gets right out of bed afterward and I'm left feeling like I should have been paid. It is a horrible feeling and I am feeling lost and disconnected in my marriage. I find myself feeling resentful of even having sex because I am thinking "what about my needs?". Any helpful advice?

I love the micro-vacations. My wife does too. And she is always more open to new things on the micros. I'm quite hestitate to introduce new things or positions or talk openly at home, but micro-vacations are great opportunities. I can seduce her more freely. We are 100% private on our micros and that really removes the constraints that making love at home sometimes has. I look forward to it so much, and when she does too that is an invitation to introduce something new. She once told me, on a micro, if I wanted her to get a tatoo she would. Well, the last micro I told her it was time and she let me draw red lips on her inner thighs with washable markers. I labeled her breasts as mine with the outline of my hand holding one of her breasts . Wrote "enter here" with a large arrow pointing to her beautiful pussy. We laughed and had fun like we could never do in our home with children listening. We lounge in loose comfortable clothing and while watching a movie she rubbed my penis for half the movie I had a lasting hard-on. I can't get that at home in front of our TV . The micro-vacation is worth every dime just to have memories like these.

I am curious. I've read somewhere that we often notice a change after some time in a relationship. For example, a couple may find themselves becoming more "comfortable" or "content." That is, there is still a solid relationship and the couple loves each other, it's just that the relationship has changed - or perhaps can be said to have grown.

A relationship is a partnership. Personally, I want my mate to pursue her own interests and she would encourage mine, Yet there is that time we can spend together to share things romantic - or not - in agreement. Just watching TV, for example, or playing little games, or just spending a minute or three calling each other little pet names on the fly or to actually take time to listen to how the other person's day went.

The fact the a relationship exists means that a change has occurred, but I wonder if this change is often misinterpreted as somehow, a bad thing? We've learned to share in other things and, with only so much time in the day, no longer have room for romance and such - we can only think of one thing at a time. Do we tend to view, what could be actually a coming closer together, as a splitting apart? Have we grown as a couple so steady that we've failed to recognize it?

If so, I think that Isadora's initial post can be of even greater importance. We may actually love our mates more than we realize and Isadora's tips can help bring us back on track to the more intimate side of the relationship.

I hope I'm making sense here - my mind is running at a million rpm right now. :)