Groups > Christian By Choice

it is so good to see the new postings here. i am glad others have found this thread.

i have to say i am still having deep and serious thoughts about this year's trip just past. i think i was touched even more deeply, and my emotions are so strong, i cant really go near them. whereas last year, i understood that to leave the children is to trust that God is caring for them, i am seriously questioning the value of getting close to any particular child when there is no guarantee i will even see them again. does that cause greater hurt?

if, for example, the other church decides no trip next year. or, if our church has money enough to send 2 or 3 people, but 4 want to go. or, my dear morris is put into a boarding school --which i can see needs to happen, in that he needs to be around older children, but he is such a lost sheep in this world!--and i wont see him again. i cant live there and make him a home. and to even attempt to bring him here is folly--those kids dont want to leave all that is familiar to them and it is sheer ego to think they might. the ones at the orphanage dont even want to leave the orphanage for an unfamiliar place--i have seen that time and time again.

this year, i felt like a mother to morris. he would run to me, with a hopeful expectant face, asking me to watch him ride a bike down the hill, asking me to watch him color, watch him draw on the sidewalks with chalk, to watch him sweep the pathways during his morning chores and to tell him, Good job! he wailed when i said good bye to him, wailed out his sadness. what do i do with that? i still feel regret for an opportunity lost--he came to me with a book, he wanted me to read to him. but another girl took the book and wanted to read it out loud for us. so i let her. and i still feel bad i did not myself read to him.

i have an especially precious memory of seeing him helping to teach the smaller children ride the bicycle--faithfully pushing them along over and over again.

God cares for the orphans and widows and calls us to too. but what about these kind and gentle hearted simple, childlike people who live in a country not like ours--a country that does not have individual education programs for special children, group homes, sheltered workshops, etc?

my heart is torn between never ever going back there again, because it cannot bear the weight of all i understand, and going back, yet again, to see what else i can do. i am torn between letting go and never looking back, and going back because of all i do now know and see. it is a burden on my heart. it is. i trust that in time the way will become clear to me and i will see which way to go.

i must say that i have come to love some of those children in a way i have not let myself love anyone in a very long time. because of the pain love can bring us.

thanks for letting me pour this out here.

Rosebear, That is one great life experience you have shared with us. I wish that i was financially able to help you, but i can pray for you, and ask you to continue to share with us you experiences with us...I show them to my teenage kids at home and church. May God richly bless you.

thank you! your kindness means so much. as do your prayers and your interest. my heart is touched. thank you. May the Good Lord bless and keep you, may he shine his light upon you.