Groups > This Marriage Thing

A#1 is compromise on both sides.

guess trust is a by product of honesty. It is something I am struggling with now with my husband. He wants me to trust him after finding out about some crazy stuff. He wants me to trust him even though I have asked a lot of questions about the specifics of what happened and the only time he gives me answers is when I go off the deep end and then it starts up all over again...

I am so tossed as to what to do when I know he is lying and I can't get at the truth.

3 Things. #1 When to say yes #2 when to say no. #3 When to say maybe

Negotiate a marriage that reflects both's desires - no one wins when one partner has more power to define the relationship.

Express your desires in a vulnerable, not angry manner.

Forgive because the relationship is worth it!

Girl, you do not own your husband. Don't throw a fit to try to get him to tell you the truth about the "specifics." That is manipulative & controlling. You should just stop & try your darndest not to badger him about it anymore.

The only thing you can control is your own reaction to his behavior. You cannot control another person, even if it's your husband of many years. You might consider seeing a counselor. I'm ambivalent about marriage counseling; I think it's a waste of time to try to force someone else into therapy along with you. But you can get help yourself.

I think you have to ask yourself: How am *I* going to deal with this newfound knowledge of this "crazy stuff"? How do *I* feel about it? Can I continue to live contentedly with this person, considering this new information? Can I live with the fact that I might not ever know what really happened in this situation?

Not sure if I agree with the statement that "trust is a byproduct of honesty." We are human beings & are, by nature, fallible & imperfect. No one is 100% honest all the time. I always shake my head at people who say they can't stand liars. ALL human beings lie at some time in their lives.

Anyway, your post was thought-provoking! Now I'm going to try to narrow it down to THREE things every happy couple should know. That is a tough one! xoxoK

It's tough to limit it to just three things, but if you insist I will.

I was married for 26 years, and many of them reasonably good. I'm divorced now and have had a couple of deep relationships so I think I have some expertise here.

1) Sex and romance - these are incredibly important. Cultivate it and build intimacy, and don't lose it. Schedule sex if you have to do it, but like Nike says, just do it. Figure out ways to keep the romance alive. Have romantic dinners together, dance together, watch sunsets together. Plan romantic getaways together whenever it's possible. (this is a huge part of the reason I'm divorced...because she just didn't get it!).

2) Communicate - keep the lines of communication open as much as you can. Find ways to listen. Communication isn't just about talking. It's listening. Avoid passing judgments and giving opinions about everything you hear. If you do that, it closes down communication.

3) Be A Team - couplehood is a team sport. Support your team member when you can. Be there for them as much as you can. Agree on goals for the team and pursue them. If goals are only shared by one team member, it's going to be a problem.

Having managed to stay together for going on 30 years now, I think sex has to be near the top but not at the top -- even if one party has to use fingers after awhile instead of orifices to keep the other happy.

Ya gotta keep talking, too, even when it seems like somebody ain't listening, 'cuz when silence rules the roost, bad thoughts arise in somebody's heart and mind and that ain't good.

And although the old adage about not letting the sun set on an argument doesn't always work, it's something to work toward, because while flaming, torrid romance can't easily be maintained for decade after decade, sometimes good, old-fashioned friendship can. And that makes it all worthwhile, through thick and thin, over hill and down dale, when you're in the money and when you're pinching pennies. Yup, staying good friends is probably numero uno and way out ahead of all the rest, in my book. My book's a bit tattered after all this time, but I still got it on the shelf, which is somethin' to crow about.