We have been together for 22 years and our marriage is better in every way (and it was always good), especially the passion piece.

I attribute our fabulous relationship to many things. We are both very comfortable in our own skins. We have the utmost respect for the other person. We are happy in the other parts of our life. We both are in very good health (we work-out regularly).

And, we started the process of "sharing held feelings" years ago (telling the other person what bothers you about their actions before it festers into something bigger) and continue it most every day.

I almost hate adding details specific to my situation, as I love the free-ranging tone of this thread and hearing about others' experiences.

However there were a couple questions which have been asked a couple times, so here it is: we have two girls: 5 and 11, both in school. My wife works 1/2 time at non-profit she started a few years ago. We share housework about evenly, but she does all the kid-lugging-around and takes care of the kids after school (homework, karate, etc...). I am a software engineer in a rather demanding, high-stress job.

We have great conversations all the time and I did lay out my desire for more passion (flirting, laughing, hugging, kissing, sex). She flatly (but calmly, nicely, matter-of-factly) said she couldn't do that. She added that if I really needed that, I should have a discreet affair. This was the inspiration for my original post. This isn't what I really want. I guess it could possibly work, but isn't an ideal solution for many reasons.

I know there are many reasons why her desire for passion might have disappeared, they are valid reasons which I recognize and neither she nor I can change. She is a fine human being. I like her. What I don't know is what to do about it. I have 3 choices: stay (and accept reality), leave, cheat. I don't like any, whence my angst.

Whoops! Going along with everyone's ideas until the little "dicreet affair" thing popped up! Please, please, get some counseling. Your wife's lack of desire is rooted in more than tiredness, stress, or anti-depressants. I, too, was in a situation where I couldn't give anymore of myself, emotionally or sexually, to my husband (now ex). I, too, wished he would just have an affair and leave me alone. My self-esteem was in the toilet and, for a variety of reasons, I had fallen out of love with him. Counseling did two things for us.....made us both realize how terribly far we had grown apart, and allowed open dialogue in a safe environment to work things out (or in our case, not work things out and agreed to part). Good luck to you. I am hoping for the best. You have small children....despite the myth that "children are resilient", they are the true victims of divorce. Thoughts and prayers your way.....be good to you.

I can add to the positive trend that passion can still be there after 20 years. My wife and I are headed for number 23. We have had our ups and downs in the passion area, but, we are definitely not "just roommates".

I have watched it both ways. My parents were very affectionate to each other until my mother passed at age 60. In fact, one of her questions for the surgeon after cancer surgery was how soon before she could get back to satisfying her partner.

My inlaws are the other extreme. In the almost 30 years I have known them, I have never seen them kiss, hug, or show any affection other than a quick peck on Christmas Eve after opening presents. They are just roommates.

After reading your last post, a few blinking lights went off.

1 - Don't cheat! Even if she suggested it. There is so much baggage that goes with that. Your marriage would never recover. If it is bad enough to cheat, it is bad enough to end the marriage first. If you don't believe me, read some of the cheating discussion on this web site.

2 - Both of you should get a checkup with your doctor. There are so many things that can mess with your situation - hormones, thyroid, diabetes. During one of our dry spells where I was feeling unloved and neglected, I ended up going to a therapist and my medical doctor. I was diagnosed with depression. I am doing much better now, and I am more in tune with the ebbs and flows of passion in my marriage.

3 - Marriage counseling. Get it. If she won't go, go by yourself. If one counselor does not help, try a new one. Some are better than others.

4 - Add something new to your routine. Years ago I offered to rub my wife's feet after a long day in the homes that the romantic touch would help. Well, it never did help with the passion, and it has turned into an every night thing - 1/2 hour rubbing her feet and another 1/2 hour rubbing her back, neck, and scalp. However, it requires that we are together every night.

5 - Re-evaluate your job. If it is the cause of your trouble, is your job more important than your marriage. Did you take a "for better or worse, until death do you part" vow when you started your job? You can get another job if it means saving your marriage.

Hope I did not sound too preachy, although I'm sure I did. Sorry

Good luck!

No you didn't sound too preachy. I asked a question, I appreciate the answers I have been receiving. Thanks.

Charles Buckowski said something like "Men want to screw, women want your soul".

I have found this to be true. Why would a woman marry a man and then retire from sex? To men sex is love. No sex? They feel unloved because they are unloved. Why? Who cares, it's just how men are wired. Perhaps not neccessarily sex, but being wanted for sex, on an ongoing contiuous, frequent, never ending basis.

If this isn't going to happen, why not put these poor bastards on their way? I hear many men complain of the same thing. Why would anyone live like that? Why would any man or woman do this or should I say not do this?

If you're not going to, please buy your man or woman a prostitue for Christmas, or SOMETHING!!

Ah, the lone voice of the cynic preaching in the wilderness of this heretofore completely upbeat thread ;-)

I. Love. This. Discussion.

Keep it coming.

Thanks.