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Julie,

Not enough time right now to "analyze" hubby's sexual turn-ons, but I did want to say that I found your post to be very mature, open-minded, tolerant and very sexy. Mr. Porn Before Sex is lucky to have you as a partner and playmate, even if he is somewhat lacking in the sensual department!

I've heard many middle-aged men say what your husband says, that they feel more need for porn after 45 than they did when they were younger because it allows them to make sure their penises still work. Sadly, many men--and many more women--do not appreciate how emotionally trying it is for many (most?) men to deal with the erection transitions of middle age, realizing that what you could take for granted for decades, a firm erection by just thinking about sex, can no longer be taken for granted and requires a great deal of stimulation and perhaps quite a bit of porn.

I think it's important for older men to understand that absent significant health issues (advanced diabetes or heart disease or stroke) the older penis still works. It just takes longer to become erect, if it does, and when it does, those erections are usually not as firm or as distraction-resistant as erections were in the man's twenties and thirties.

Performance anxiety actually reduces the likelihood of erection. Anxiety constricts the arteries, including the ones that carry blood into the penis. Less blood going in there means less blood to produce erection.

I wish men would understand this and move from performance anxiety to the realization that their parts still work, but just a little more slowly. Slower arousal can actually be a good thing in lovemaking. It allows plenty of time for whole-body sensual massage and all the zillions of ways people can play erotically but often don't. Toe sucking, anyone? And that's a shame because nongenital loveplay is deeply relaxing, and deep relaxation relieves anxiety and ushers more blood into the genitals for erection in men and sexual responsiveness in women.

I feel for your husband, Juliesummers. It's hard to cope with middle-aged erection changes. But every problem contains a kernel of opportunity, too. Lovers over 40 have the opportunity to reinvent their lovemaking so it's more erotic and fulfilling--IF they let go of ideas like the man should raise instant erections at the drop of a zipper. That happened long ago. But it doesn't happen any more.

Mmmm.. I'm 57; he 55 and we both have high sex drives and intense, sensuous love making - until 3 months into our relationship. He sat up in bed one morning and said: but, what ifI don't want you any more? And then, for the past 18 months: maybe twice a month. At one time he said when I found a hardcore mag under rug in his b/r: "but I want to get excited for my baby". Ohhh, I immediately said: and now you insult me. He loves me, that I know - I was once told I think of sex every 4 sec. Since I was sexual abused from 6 yrs old; I was taught how to please a man. And I do just that for Rocky. He's been incarcerated for 3 months and I'm wondering if will get it on great for a couple weeks, then back to same old... I'm so confused, self-esteem low and in a recent letter of his: you are so insecure. Oh, Oh...for which I replied: are you satisfied with yourself? Infidelity clues I feel are somewhat present; but my head injury clouds that; and when released he's not going back to meth.

I heard the late Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld asked in an interview many years ago what he thought about changing a person's orientation from homosexual to heterosexual. His answer has stuck with me and been a source of some comfort and enjoyment of one of the mysteries of life.

He answered that he thought it was not possible and not good idea to try. He went on to say that in his experience, it is not even possible to change a "breast man" to a "leg man" or vice versa or even to really understand why one was attracted to one more than the other.

He ended his answer by saying that if you had something that turned you on and a consenting adult partner, to collect whatever you needed to carry it out and to enjoy it. It was very unlikely, he said, to change it anyway.

Which is what I like about Michael's idea of starting where you and your lover are, accepting, and broadening.

What is is.

Until we are at peace with that and really there, from my experience at least, it is just about impossible to go anywhere else. Maybe you don't need to change it, just, as Michael suggests, "grow" it a bit.

John