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Last Rites

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Funny !

Ray, Bob and Jim from Texas were killed on the job and went to heaven. St Peter met them at the gate to welcome them. St Peter after going over the rules stated the number one he had trouble with.

"Boys for some reason all ducks go to heaven. When they are stepped on they raise a ruckus and every duck here makes noise. So if you step on a duck I will have to handcuff you with the ugliest woman here for all eternity." Well 2 weeks went by and lo and behold Bob steps on a duck, the duck set up a stink and all the ducks in heaven quacked. Along comes St Peter with a pair of handcuffs and the ugliest woman Bob ever saw. "hate to do this,he said but this is the rules." Well this really scared Ray and Jim they made it 4 weeks and Jim stepped on a duck. Well the little bird schreeched and squalled and all the other ducks followed suit. Along comes St Peter with a pair of handcuffs and the ugliest woman Jim ever saw. This scared Ray to death. One year later he was asleep by the river of life, there was a nice breeze blowing and all of a sudden he is awakened by St Pete. He had the most beautiful woman with him and a pair of handcuffs. Muttering St Pete handcuffed her to Ray and walked off. Ray looked at the woman and said Why did he do this? The woman shrugged and said "Something about ducks."

SENIOR MOMENT

"WHERE IS MY SUNDAY PAPER?" The irate customer

calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to

know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday ....

the Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone,

followed by a ray of recognition.... as she was heard to mutter

"Well, hells bells ... so that's why no one was at church today."

A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men "Why are you eating the grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children! "Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall."

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Minister Call*

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!