Confessing an Indiscretion

I think that there are too many levels in this issue to resolve it with a simple do or don't.

At stake is the solvency of a relationship that apparently has different meaning to the two parties. So, we are speaking two languages here and we have to find a common ground for communication before we move on to a resolution.

Party A makes it apparent that the word commitment has no meaning. The word commitment represents a "heart" contract made by two people. If commitment means that you honor it only until circumstances dictate otherwise, then the word doesn't exist. A contract offers a quid pro quo - in this case, the fidelity of my body and loyalty in an age of STDs and WMDs. Neither seem to be at issue. We aren't talking about sharing a Dove Bar here, we are talking bumping uglies! You can use all the buzz words to try to candy coat it but in the end, we get down to someone who chooses to dishonor the commitment.

If it was me, I would not be able to trust that person because not only have I offered my heart, my very life may be at stake with today's consequences extant.

A contract mutually agreed to can be unilaterally broken without the consent of the other party. But while the contract is in effect, there is no acceptable excuse for violating it other than the person doesn't have a "commitment."

So, where I would go first is:

Define commitment to see if both parties are in agreement.

If they are in agreement, will Party B accept an explanation for the actions or is it a contract breaker? Love is so amorphous that it is different for each person so I am trying to leave it for the last piece of the work they need to do.

Lying about it? The only word that comes to mind is despicable! Saying it can enhance intimacy means that both parties are captaining a ship of fools. It can be overcome. It can't be excused away. Intimacy involves two in an exclusive arrangement that shuts out all other possibilities until it is over.

I do not believe that a union has to be "until death do us part." I think without divorce to relieve the pressure cooker effect for many people, all that would happen if people were forced to remain in a dead marriage would be an increase in the rate of emotional disorders, suicide, violence and homicide! I do not think of marriage as a punishment or a sentence. It is one state of being that has been recommended by religions, states and many happy couples. For others, it may not work. For someone who isn't able to enter into a state of intimacy and substitutes sex and ecstasy for loving and cherishing, you have a crisis in definitions ... and in lives.

But for one person to sneak off for a dalliance never, in itself, has helped cement a relationship. The best it can do is open lines of communication.

People nowadays want to excuse almost anything. They have a reason for what they do but all the reason in the world does not excuse it. These people want the safety of a union with the freedom to be a single person for a night. Sorry, I can't buy it. You want to go dally? Do it without a safety net like unattached people have to do. Ask any of them if they like their present state of being. Most would tell you no.

Neither monogamy nor nonmonogamy are perfect ways to organize intimate relationships. Both have their joys and frustrations. But we live in a culture that largely insists on monogamy and usually vilifies nonmonogamy as "cheating." As a result, plenty of people have secret affairs or visit prostitutes, and only a small proportion admit it, and shoulder the emotional burden (or opportunity) of honestly trying to work out a nonmonogamous relationship. It's been interesting to read all the posts in the group discussion on "open" relationships. It's been refreshing to learn that several TBDers have worked out openly nonmonogamous relationships and have come up with reasonable rules within their couple relationships for expanding things beyond monogamy. But we live in a culture that calls monogamy the norm, and vilifies anything else. As a result, relatively few couples are openly nonmonagamous. Most of those who are nonmonogamous in practice choose to have their adventures in secret.

If it's a Life Style then yes of course full disclosure is correct. If it was a one time indiscretion keep it to yourself.

Even a first grader will tell you that deception, lying, and cheating are wrong. And in such unspoiled innocense, we can often find simple truth.

Untold events that violate established understanding are deception in my estimation.

Committing an "indiscretion" requires confession, in my system of values. If you take something that is not yours, you must give it back. In the case of an "indiscretion", you have taken someone's trust and violated it. You give it back by confessing your wrong: You took the power of doing whatever you wanted to do... now give that power back to the person you stole it from.

Determining "what is right" isn't always that complicated. In this case, as in many, people know in their heart of hearts EXACTLY what the right thing to do is.

Confession is a selfish act meant only to assauge the guilty party's conscious. Any discomfort you might feel due to holding a secret should be alleviated by knowing you are protecting the one you love from serious pain!

I met this guy,through a mutual friend,and has been spending alot of time with me lately. He says,that he is not ready for another relationship now,but when we are alone,he always wants me to hold his hand. Is he trying to tell me he is interested in me,or am I reading his signals wrong.

I only read the the first paragraph which ended in the question; tell or not tell?

Maybe I should have read the rest, but I'd already made up my mind, and more details would only confuse the issue.

Don't tell.

I believe confessions of this nature always result in a slow, agonizing decline in the relationship, which may have had serious problems to begin with, but they aren't likely to get better after a bomb like that drops.

Someone who makes a bad decision that they later feel ashamed of is not always under an obligation to

go confess it to everyone. In your hypothetical situation, I see nothing to be gained other than perhaps clearing ones own conscience *temporarily*. Years later the confessor will have to live with the fact that they hurt someone in a way that cannot be undone or paid back.

I have no doubt in my mind as to what I personally would do in this situation. If I had been the cheater for whatever reason and I cared for my spouse or partner, there is no way I would transfer my guilt to the innocent party. All that would do is eleviate my guilt and make that person and myself miserable. I will tell you if it was the other way around, I would prefer not to be told, truthfully. I might tell my significant other that I would want to know, but I know if I did, that our future relationship would be very precariously based. If someone is planning on continuing that behavior, then I would definitely propose they leave the relationship.

When you tell someone you care about, that you have been unfaithful, you should be prepared to lose that person. Or go through the rest of your relationship trying to prove that you will not do it again. Raine

Some time ago, I had told my wife I wanted to recover the lost romance and passion in our relationship. She told me I should just go have an affair. I was having a really hard time believing she meant it, she comes from a very conservative (sexually repressed) background, and has never been very sexual. So I thought.

We've been married 21 years. It turns out she had a bunch of affairs (4) about 5 years into our marriage for a period of 4 years. She was with one guy for 2 years. He was the hardest to hear about. She was having plenty of sex, just not with me. She had one more affair with a person overseas, spread out over several summers, including the last one. She is going on holiday in Spain next week and will be hooking up with another boyfriend. I found out accidentally.

In principal, I believe in the concept of open marriage, I think sex and passion, and falling in love and all that stuff is good. In theory.

I had told her yesterday that I needed an open marriage, but that my rules required me to tell her, in general, what I planned on doing. I told her I wanted to stay in the marriage for many good reasons, but needed the opportunity to live and feel. I had just made up my mind to stay, but get what I needed elsewhere.

This led her to confess everything. I asked for the details, and got them. It was excruciating. Perhaps a mistake on my part.

I have been absolutely reeling though for the last 24 hours since I found out. I am nearly losing my mind. I don't know what I want to do about it, if anything. I believe what I said, and it goes without saying that we now have a negotiated open marriage. The reasons to stay in the marriage are the same as before: we're good friends, good parents, money. Her confession also allowed us to have the first real conversation we've had in years.

Despite the above, she is a good person. She F***** up (literally), and knows it, and feels a lot of remorse. I understand the mechanism by which people fall in love. Wanting to be loved and feel beautiful and have the excitement are all completely natural. I want it. I understand how she would. Some of these guys were true loves.

There are a couple funny things (haha!). My emotions are:

1- Feeling the fool. The innocent bumpkin who was the only person not in on the joke.

2- Resentment that I was denied an experience to live (I was going through grad-school hell and had no life for 3 years) when I denied myself sexual opportunities, and envy at the fun she had.

3- Resentment that when a very close friend *tried* to *kiss* me (and failed), and I confessed, I had to give up a very important friendship (her and her husband, who I was even closer to).

4- Anger at being lied to for 15 years, even when I suggested an open marriage years ago, at the tail end of her early frenzy.

I don't mind the sex so much really, it's just sex after all. Although finding out that on at least one occasion I had sex with her immediately after she had had sex with the 2-year guy was my least favourite thing to hear.

I just don't know what to do about it (what I want to do about it). Most of this was a long time ago. The forces driving a relationship to blahness would be the same with the next person. And she really isn't bad, she just made an error in judgment, several actually. She just wants what I want now, that's all. She also didn't want to lose me and wanted to keep me for herself. Those are not noble sentiments, but they are understandable.

I would like to get over it. I really would. I would like to try an open marriage (for both of us ;-) ). The marriage could be saved, perhaps. If we can now be open with each other, maybe we can make it last. I'm just mentally spinning out of control.

I also have to chose if I want to try my end of openness. I have a possibility this weekend. Part of me thinks I should wait and the other part that it might get me out of this funk and help me see the upside.

I'm not sure everybody in the Sexless Marriage club would agree, but my feeling is:

1) If I can't get it from my wife, I feel perfectly justified getting it any which way I can. No guilt here. Quite the contrary - it's nice to be wanted. (I won't pay for it, though).

2) Don't ask, don't tell.

3) Everybody has a right to their secrets, married or not.

4) Every marriage or partnership is unique - as unique as the individuals involved. I don't know that there is a standard by which all marriages can be judged.

5) If I discover I've been cuckolded (as in she's been giving it to someone else but not to me), I'll be out that door so fast...

How's that for fucked up?

The reason I want the marriage to continue is the same as before, when I was unhappy but didn't know. Specifically, we are good friends, we get along together, we are raising kids pretty well and want the best for them. Financially this is better too. We know each other better than anyone else could and have a long history together. Those reasons haven't changed.

Another very valid point, raised by my wife actually, is that the pain of having been cheated on, deceived and taken advantage of will not go away just because I divorce her. That will always be there, a mental scar. It may be that the pain would recede faster if we were divorces, but that is not entirely clear.

The reason my wife didn't want an open marriage in the past is the same reason she doesn't really want one now (even though she has accepted that that is what will be happening): she is/would be (very) jealous. She is a very jealous person. That is the definition of "cheating": you want different rules for yourself and others. She wants me to be faithful, even if that means I am unhappy, but wants to be able to do what she needs to be happy, even if that involves sleeping around. She is heartbroken at the idea of me seeing someone else, but she is leaving next week to spend 10 days in Spain with a former lover. I understand the "logic" of her position, but it is untenably selfish.

There are a couple immutable realities in our relationship now:

1- Even before I knew, I had decided that I needed (wanted) to experience romance, passion and intimacy which had left our marriage some time ago. I also want to have experiences which I denied myself when I was younger.

2- I will never be able to trust my wife in the area of sexual fidelity. No matter what she says, her personality (now demonstrated through her ongoing actions of the last 15 years) will eventually make her chose to do what she needs to be happy. If that means having another affair, she will. If we have re-committed ourselves to sexual fidelity, she just won't tell me, repeating what happened before. The possibility of trusting her not to break her promises simply does not exist. She is not bad, she just lacks self-control and doesn't think about consequences. That is just who she is. I can deal with it, or I can't.

Those things inexorably lead me to conclude that the one and only possible way this marriage CAN continue is if it is open.

I am certainly hurt, a lot. I may be able to get over it, or at least the immediacy of the pain will diminish. I cannot recover the trust that was lost.

So Tweedle, don't hold back, tell me what you *really* think. LOL. I like your style.

To clarify: our marriage IS now officially open, my wife was just not fond of the idea. I'm thinking about going to visit someone this weekend (the family will be out-of-town) and told my wife about it. She is accepting the new reality rather well.

Our kids are 5 and 11.

See, I don't know what separating would accomplish really. It might give me a sense of payback, since I think she really depends on me in many ways, but it would come at a steep cost. Revenge is not the best reason to do anything.

Trust me when I tell you that I have thought about it, I just don't see much of an upside to separation/divorce.