Groups > Caring for Aging Parents

Hi BLondie 2020, Oy Vey! You have much going on. PLease see my post to Ultraviolet about Dad's girlfriend. the bottom line is you need to get a power of attorney for your mother--one for health and one to make financial decisions. I have 2 sisters and a mother with end stage Alzheimer's. It was difficult for my mother to give us power of attorney, but one thing that helped was that she designated all three of us as executors. Basically, we need to agree to make decisions. I hope your sister can get over her hurt and help you in this. You may also want to join my group--Alzheimer's Support. Best, Candyce

The majority of my clients have some cognitive issues and I can assure you you are not alone in a parent not appreciating what you do for them. The first area to decline is what is referred to as "executive functioning" in most cognitively impaired individuals, as a result they lack insight and the ability to see something from another persons perspective. I know it is very difficult, as I to have had similar issues with my own mother before her death and it is my profession that I am suppose to be an expert in managing!

There is alternatives to a POA such as living revocable trusts which helps the assets bypass probate upon death.

Another alternative is a court appointed guardian if you really tire of your mother's accusations of misappropriation of funds.

When functioning as the POA treat it like a business. Use software such as quicken or quick books to track the work you provide for your mother. It is also totally appropriate to pay yourself the "going rate" for a book keeper in your geographical area and keep record of your time like a small business. I also recommend providing a third party a monthly copy of the financial transactions to review, or if you use an accountant, they may offer to be this person.

Family situations can get ugly when money is concerned. I wish they would put the energy into caring for the aging parent.

My Best,

Bobbi

Save yourself first. Otherwise you will go down with her. I've been caring for a "difficult" parent for over ten years and he STILL thinks he's the only person in the universe qualified to diagnose himself with dementia (he's a psychiatrist). He can't even use an ATM machine anymore and hasn't paid taxes in 6 years. He's clinically paranoid.

What I have done is to swoop in on the rare occasions when he is reasonable. That's when I got power of attorney around 7 years ago.

But we're beyond that now. Now he's self-medicating with alcohol and getting into deep financial trouble, so I've filed for guardianship. It'll be really ugly.

Somewhere along the line I stopped caring. Too many scars from too many years of rage and hate from a man who, though a good father, was never a particularly loving or open man.

I was eating crap, gaining weight, getting depressed and finally realized I had to save myself.

This may sound callous, but though I have them in the finest assisted living around, and hire someone to go in every day to do things for them, and see them frequently myself and make sure they have everything they want and get to go out a lot, he can't hurt me anymore because the feelings are gone.

Try to keep your mom from letting you get to that point. She's already sounding paranoid to me. It starts so subtly.

You first. You first. You first.

Hi Sleepless in Corpus Christi:

Donn (in Austin) here..

You certainly have a full agenda, that's for sure. All I can add to what others have chimed in with is prayer for strength, wisdom and guidance as you address these difficult issues. If you belong to a church, fall back on the assistance others there who love you and are concerned for you to provide some type of help.

It's impossible for us to know the depth of your pain, but there's someone who does and who can help...

I will add you to my prayer list.

Respectfully,

Donn