Sexual Secrets That Shouldn't Be
I could write volumes about sexual secrets. I have, in fact, written one: Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, in which hundreds of my column readers and Sexuality Forum website users shared their tips for better sex. However there are a few Super Secrets which I believe need to be aired, and aired often. Here are three of what I feel are the most pressing.
- Yes, yes, we all know men are visual. Hence the booming erotic video markets. However, what's often neglected is that as men age, they usually require tactile stimulation to achieve full arousal. The days of making tents in their jeans at the mere sight of skin is long gone. Even with an attractive and willing partner, an additional hand is often needed. Men need to know to ask for it and their partners need to know to offer it. No shame attached.
- An important corollary of that secret is that most men, of any age and any stage in the proceedings, will temporarily droop when they stop to put on a condom. Not all men, not all situations. But the softening of a stiff and ready erection at the cold reality of latex is so common it ought to be printed on all condom wrappers: "Caution, may cause temporary softening upon application."
- The amount of a woman's lubrication is not always the direct result of her partner's artful techniques, or even an indication of how aroused she is at the moment. Some women can go from wet to much wetter, even post menopause. While others, after the cessation of their menstruation, dry up and require daily applications of lubricants just to keep their parts in working order. Applying something like Eucerin every time they use the bathroom is a simple solution. We also need to be reminded that various drugs like antihistamines, marijuana, and even one alcoholic drink can cause a temporary Sahara in a woman's nether regions.
What else do people need to know about when it comes to sexual function?
Posted: Jun 8, 07 7:11am
Amen. I'd amplify #2 by saying that as men age, they can droop in the middle of things at almost any minor distraction--a dog barking, a motorcycle roaring up the street, almost anything. Not all men, and not all the time. But for many, minor distractions interfere with erotic focus and cause temporary erection wilting. If men know this and stay relaxed about it and patient, then more stimulation by hand or mouth resurrects erection. But if men become anxious and think, Damn, it's over, then a return to firmness becomes less likely because anxiety constricts the blood vessels involved in erection.
Posted: Oct 7, 07 2:52pm
this is true, but isn't there medication to prevent this?
Posted: Oct 29, 07 6:02am
Thanks for posting. hummm, sex is really magic!
Posted: Jan 17, 08 5:06pm
I know this all too well. For some reason, as soon as I turned 46 (49now) I began to have trouble. Mind you sex was great until then. Suddenly I did lose firmness just as Michael mentions...I went the route that mjoy mentioned though. I tried medications. The only non-prescription one I found that worked for me was newxtreme.com's product. I'm not sure if we're allowed to post websites here so If not please let me know and staff feel free to remove it. I just thought I'd share what works for me incase others are experiencing the same type of things.
By the way, this is a grea site I've stumbled upon!
Posted: Aug 27, 07 11:32am
.
Posted: Sep 12, 07 2:37pm
this is so funny-I love the fact that people want to chat about sex here.
Sex is so great at this age-I would have never guessed during all my years of a non existent sex life with my ex- that someday i'd be enjoying the hell out of a good romp.
there is a god.
Posted: Jul 30, 08 9:06pm
Sex should be enjoyable when u are young like a fire cracker! However, as you age the body slows down and so does the desire for much sex also.
I would like to know why your drive is reversed, and did you finally meet the right person, or more than one or two men or more got you rompping?
Posted: Jul 30, 08 9:21pm
Diddo! I have a great relationship with my two kids and I assure them that, while "aging" has certain drawback (we don't bounce back as well as we did at their age) we enjoy life / sex / freedom with a mature appreciation and vigor.
They don't quite get it yet, but I'm sure they will someday ;-)
Posted: Sep 14, 07 7:23am
Sex is the only common denominater we have all experienced --thats why its fun to chat about as it can be -arousing --- humourous ---silly ----and so many other things
Posted: Jul 30, 08 9:16pm
I do agree. Your mind can handle more of the desired effect, than aging bodies. The power of the mind will make you feel 16.
Posted: Jul 30, 08 9:41pm
Froebel, I wish more would think like you. Your comment applies to other things in life as well as sex.
Posted: Aug 24, 08 8:52pm
Ohsohappy, thank you. I really had my fun and can remember how good loving making was in my younger days. It was like a shooting star and firecrackers everytime, just thinking about those day make me happy that I enjoyed my youth and now I have no regrets.
If you are still young at heart than try your luck, but remember you can't bring back yesterday.
So, as you age the mind is your best friend in the love making department.
Posted: Oct 27, 07 10:11pm
Here I am Harry.
And I am not the only virgin.......or the oldest.
I guess that you'll have to find another common denominator.
Posted: Jul 30, 08 9:21pm
Virgin or not you can still talk about it and related to that part of the body and know why it is there. Harry got you beat, he is still right.
Posted: Oct 5, 07 7:30pm
I need more time to become aroused - That's one reason older men are more attractive to me. If he starts to worry about his penis too much just redirect him to your special spots.
Posted: Oct 7, 07 7:30pm
Here is a question: is it common for women to develope MORE libido after menopuase? I was always modest in my appetites in my youth and all my married years.We had a normal sex life but he was always livlier than I. Soon after I got through "the change" I got hornier than he was up for. What shock. What is up with that? Things are basically workable here, but it's a role reversal, and I wonder if many others have experienced the same thing.
Posted: Oct 7, 07 9:48pm
I have agree some and disagree others. At the bottom line, everyone is different.
#1. I agree that men are visual. So are women. Women can easily aroused by reading erotic writings (e.g., essays, novels) because they "visualize" these erotic scenes. Men over 40s, even in 50s, could get "tents" with mere sight of skins. This is why it is important for women to try to be attractive, I think. For 40+ women to feel sexy about themselves, it is very important to see that their men can still get aroused by just looking at them. Sexy lingeries and poses do work.
#2. As we age, this becomes an extremely important issue. Women need to be very understanding about men's erectile dysfunction (often perceived). Men do not need to rely on medications unless there are serious medical reasons to do so. Couples over 40s need to be more creative about sex and intimacy. First and foremost, we need to abandon the idea that "sex" equals "intercourse." Frankly, many women experience difficulties with reaching orgasm from intercourse. At this age, I enjoy giving him a blow job more than ever before.
#3. I have not yet reached menopause. Compared to my 20s and 30s (when I hardly had any sex with my husband), I get more secretion at the age 43. It seems to me that the more sex I have the more secretion my body is able to produce. Of course, I'm not a medical researcher. I therefore cannot confirm my experience can apply to others.
I completely agree with Myagewriter that sex in 40+ is great!! I am more sensual, horny, and adventurous than when I was younger. At the same time, I am more compassionate to my partner and seek true intimacy, not just physically but also emotionally and spiritually. As I aged, meaning of sex did change. Quality matters more than quantity.
That's where my question lies. regardless of sex, we all want to experience orgasm. But, is there a degree of quality in orgasm? In other words, are there significant differences between "good sex" (experience orgasm) and "incredible sex" (experience something beyond orgasm)? If so, what make these differences?
Posted: Oct 7, 07 9:53pm
i'd like to reply to Westerly but can't open in her window-re: ur increased sex drive and his decreased-you have lots of company. women lose the fear of getting pregnant and men go thru menopause-if they didn't, viagra, et al, wouldn't be a billion dollar industry-it's just that this culture of ours can't wrap itself around the idea that male hormonal levels decrease-females decrease enough to lose the ability to get pregnant but not the abilitiy to have some fun....
Posted: Oct 8, 07 1:56pm
To Westerly: Most women report less sexual interest with menopause. But some, like you, report more. There's no predicting. All we can do is feel what we well, and know ourselves. Any change in sexual interest is, as you put it, a shock, especially when the change is unexpected and out of character. Try to maintain a sense of humor. Try to use this as an opportunity for discussion and relationship growth. Your roles are now reversed. So now each of you knows how the other has felt lo these many years. How do you each feel about that?
Posted: Dec 14, 07 5:26am
Anita P. I feel it is my civic duty to offer you mind blowing sex so you can be more than a spectator.
Posted: Oct 8, 07 3:41pm
Been on this planet for 75 yrs, so far. Married to 1st wife for 45 years. She passed away and 2 yrs. later I remarried. My 2nd wife passed after 3 years. Without getting technical about specific bodily functions, I can only say "Wow, the sex was great". I have never, in my entire life, used a condom and most of the time was able to get my wives to climax before me. Sonofagun life has been good !!!
Posted: Oct 10, 07 7:53am
No wonder your nic is HappyDays! (smile!)
Posted: Oct 27, 07 9:59pm
* includes photos
I am 55+ and I agree about sex being great! If you meet the right person(s) that make your day and no one else can give you that loving feeling, than you can't complain. I must admit sex with the right person is the best vacation I can enjoy.
Posted: Oct 13, 07 10:54pm
I agree with Isadora's critique, especially #3. The amount of lubrication that a woman produces can change from day to day and therefore, each time she has sex the amount may be different.
Sometimes my partner may need to use KY jelly and at other times, I can be very wet and jelly is not needed. Also I find sometimes I may be fantasizing about something such as a participating in a threesome or making love with a hot ex-boyfriend and I will need very little foreplay prior to sexual intercourse. On other ocassions I wil need more time/foreplay and/or jelly when my partner uses manual stimulation. When engaging in a new sexual position or new sexual experience, I become easily aroused and become extremely wet, so wet that i can hear and feel the wetness as penile penetration is taking place. My partner will make comments when this happens and calls it a "bath" and he feels that it enhances his pleasure immensely.
Posted: Nov 29, 07 8:59pm
Nothing motivates me better than knowing that my body is reacting as nature intended but when all else fails, a "little drop" always does the trick!
Posted: Oct 13, 07 11:28pm
I had the same experience as Westerly. When I was going through menopause, I became more interested in having sex with my partner and I found myself thinking about sex many times during the day.
Now i'm in the post menopausal stage and I have become even more interested in sex. As a result my partner and I are having sex with greater frequency and intensity. I found that I am more aware of how other men react to me when I am out of the house. When a man notices me and gives me eye contact, it drives me wild. At other times when I know a man is looking at my butt or pelvis when i walk down the aisle of a store or down the street, i feel sexy and appreciate that my body size and shape still turns-on the opposite sex.
I am so horny and I have talked to my partner about this. He just chuckles and says, he loves my body.
Last summer I became so horny that i wanted more sex than i was getting from my partner. I talked to my doctor about my medications to see if I could be experiencing some side effects like an increase in my libido. He reassured that this was not the problem.
Then I had to go away from home and spend a couple of months in another state. I tried to get my partner to talk dirty to me on the phone, but he didnt want to do this. Then I met another man and he seemed to understand my sexual needs and I didnt reveal that my libido was unusually high. He sensed this and told me that he understood and wanted my companionship. We had a steamy, hot, hot affair for a few weeks. He knew about my other partner. I felt he understood what i was going through. I had to have many discussions with my partner at home before he seemed to get it.
Posted: Oct 27, 07 10:31pm
I hear more than you are expressing. I am a grandmother, but for 7 years my partner can't hold an erection. I enjoy the real deal, I have tried other ways it doesn't work for me. So, an ex I knew 18 years ago, and was the best. We met, and he is still the best. I had to known, because I thought I had the problem. I feel happier with my partner now, knowing that I am not the problem. It feels good to know you can realy get wet on your own!
Posted: Dec 1, 07 2:48pm
I can relate to this. I'm 63 and have never been hotter. I had a 41 year old lover for about 6 months.
We started with a morning wake-up, an afternoon delight and a longer evening session. Now that was my idea of paradise.Other issues separated us, but the sex was superb!
Viagra is popular because people don't want to deal with the real issues,,, blocked arteries and blood vessels... and want a quick fix. A lot of men have classic symptoms of Syndrome X...a metabolic disorder, involving High blood pressure, high triglycerides, high cholesterol and high blood sugar... a classic precursor to diabetes, which is definitely a libido killer. E.D. (Erectile Dysfunction) is not a disease... it's a symptom. The answer to E.D. is D.E. (diet and exercise). Lose the beer belly, clean up your eating habits and regain your libido. Grab your mate and go for a walk after dinner instead of plopping on the couch to watch TV.
I teach couples classes in Tantra and have a web site (in progress) that will have toys and fun furniture, plus articles on various aspects of reviving sexual joy. I'm also planning 5 day Hawaiian seminars, ending in a re-commitment ceremony on a beach at sunset... exchanging leis, not rings.
www.revivesexualjoy.com Keep checking back, it's a work in progress.
Piscean Amber
Posted: Oct 14, 07 1:01am
< Grin >
Perhaps this should be entered into the 'Nostalgia' discussion, if I could find it, but ...
I 'remember' an era when mothers never even warned their daughters about, well ... Anything having to do with sexuality. It was taboo. Talk about repression ...
Maybe this had a little something-something to do with the baby-boom, eh?
Talk about an area where we could really make a difference. This is one of them ...
Posted: Oct 21, 07 2:16pm
Yes, I agree with you about the era where mothers never talked about sex, bodies or what in the world menstruation was all about! I was fifteen before i knew what a woman's breasts were for, and I had to learn this from a girlfriend! I can laugh about it now but my entire sex life I am sure has been somehow adversely effected by my pitiful lack of early knowledge.
Posted: Dec 1, 07 4:12pm
The condom droop can be fixed with a silicone cock ring with dual vibrators... wow! Great for the woman too. Slap that thing on and then go for the condom.
Works best with woman on top (Save a horse, ride a cowboy).
Posted: Dec 13, 07 4:13pm
OK, I'm replying to my own comment. I was browsing the AskMen.com website for a totally different topic, but came across this. Hey, guys... report back and let me know if it helps. Inquiring minds want to know :)
Maintain your size
When putting the condom on, kneel on both knees on the bed and lean slightly forward. There are two reasons for this: First, the blood will rush to your manhood and offset any shrinking due to nerves or too much booze. Secondly, it puts you in an effective striking position for the next step. I don't recommend wriggling into a condom while lying on your back because the blood rushes away from your penis, and you'll have to further maneuver yourself into position.
Posted: Dec 13, 07 5:23pm
Apparently, I ain't done yet...
Re: Condoms:
There's a thing called Microsheer that is made from medical polyurethane. It's thinner and stronger than latex. It's also non-allergenic, transmits body heat, has no taste or smell like latex.
There's another one: Tactylon. It's also non-allergenic and it stretches more comfortably than latex.
OK, guys, report back on your findings. We all need to know.
Posted: Dec 16, 07 5:10am
I am impressed with your knowledge. Most people never realize the numerous options and goodies available to aid in a more pleasurable and longer lasting sexual experience. You and your partner(s) must have really been interested in doing whatever was required to enjoy every moment of the experience. My lady I tip both my hats off to you, LOL
Posted: Dec 16, 07 4:29am
I'd like to thank everyone for participating in this really positive discussion. Especially interesting is this business of the "older woman". My current and past partners talk about this a lot.
I don't think a lot of women over 50 realize the power of their sexuality. They angst about age, dryness, libido, avoirdupois, and all sorts of stresses. But get them in bed and they're often plenty experienced, uninhibited, affectionate and open to new experiences in the bedroom and out.
Men, if you would only realize that age is meaningless, you can open vast new fields for exploration and enjoyment.
Posted: Dec 26, 07 5:57pm
At 63, I'm hotter than I've ever been. My lovers tell me that I give the best oral they've ever had and that I'm tight (thanks to Kegel exercises). I eat a healthy diet, exercise and have great sex. Everything falls into place.
Posted: Dec 26, 07 6:46pm
Amber,
I'll be right over...where do you live?! the best oral sex I've received was 'alright'. never had my mind blown, so to speak.
free clean-shaven mustach rides, right here ;-p
David
Posted: Dec 26, 07 11:53pm
If menopause can be postponed, that will be perfect! I detest lubrication!!!
Posted: Dec 29, 07 9:13am
The inventor of the Lava Lamp, Craven Walker, was said to have stated that "people who don't like my lamp are afraid of Sex...".
I own more than a dozen of them, including some 40-y-o models, and my GF is "creeped out" by them.
Unfortunately, it would appear that the late Mr. Walker was right...
Posted: Jan 17, 08 4:50am
Secrets are good, but only if theyre shared!
I find, and my partner agrees, that in middle age the urge can remain strong and our sexual performance youthful if we vary our lovemaking, become adventurous (PDAs for instance), talk openly to one another and to others about our secrets, and explore, explore, explore.
Absence too helps to make our sexual tools moist and hard.Homecoming is a wonderful stimulant.
We also find that modeling loving behavior itself can be arousing.
Thanks for the posting,
Michael
Posted: Jan 17, 08 5:40am
pourlamour, Nice to see you back on the site - it's been a while and you've been missed
Posted: Jul 30, 08 10:16pm
Secrets??? Hmmm, well for me I can most deffinately say is that porn is like Life cereal...Mikey may like it but so do I. I think that women enjoying it is a secret. Our mothers told us that it was dirty and there are a whole slew of mixed messages that go along with the subject. I have always been a voyuer of sorts.
The other secret is that women love thier dildo's. I don't know a women that would give their's up, and who hasn't got a stash of batteries hidden just to keep old sparky buzzing. God forbid we ever have to recycle latex for a war effort, you would see women burying them in their gardens.