Asking for What You Want During Sex

MichaelCastleman

Posted: Mar 20, 07 6:00pm

It's often difficult to say anything in the throes of passion. It can feel particularly intimidating to make requests or provide direction. You might feel concerned about possibly implying that your lover is short on erotic skill. Or you might feel concerned that your request marks you as weird. As a result, many people who would like to speak up while lying down can't find the words. But clamming up often means that they don't enjoy sex as much as they might. And their partners remain in the dark about what they truly enjoy.

If you'd like to provide some direction, but feel reluctant to do so, here's a simple, fast, effective, one-word remedy. Simply say "yes" when you like what's happening. Remain silent when you're less than thrilled. That's all there is to it—and it works.

Erotic arousal is contagious. The more you show that you're turned on, the more turned on your lover is likely to become. Sighs and groans can communicate arousal. But the word "yes" often works better, especially when said with feeling: "Yes!" Chances are your partner will love hearing you say "yes," "oh, yes!" and "Ooooo, ye-e-es!" Chances are your partner will also provide more of whatever elicits that magic word, and less of what doesn't.

Saying "yes" largely eliminates the need to utter the words "no" or "don't" or "not so rough please." It's easier to say a positive word than anything negative. Once you say "yes," your silence becomes an eloquent—and easy—way to communicate that what's happening isn't ringing your bell.

Saying "yes" also opens the door to talking during sex. Not that you should. It's up to you. Talk as much or as little as you and your lover like. There's no right or wrong here. But if the two of you typically say little or nothing, you might enjoy opening your mouths for more than kissing.

Once you feel comfortable saying "yes," chances are you'll feel better able to make additional comments during sex, for example, loving endearments: "I love you," or "You're the greatest." Or expansions on "yes:" "Don't stop. Just like that." Or perhaps some phrases one hears in porn. Or a comment after orgasm: "Thank you," or "Oooh, that was intense."

Of course, talking during sex might also cause conflict. One of you might prefer sex in silence while the other enjoys a running commentary. One might prefer clinical terms—"penis" and "vagina"—while the other prefers what's said in porn. Discuss this. Whatever turns you both on—if it does. Shortly after lovemaking is often a good time for such conversations.

Speaking of afterward, beyond general appreciation for your honey, afterglow is a good time to provide any coaching your "yes" comments didn't quite communicate. You might say: "You know when you did X, I really liked that." Or "next time could you do that just a little more gently?" Or: "I love it when you…." Yes.