How Women Can Persuade Men To Welcome Vibrators In Partner Sex

Honey, the best carpenters use power tools...

MichaelCastleman

Posted: Nov 20, 06 10:23pm

How can I get my man to feel okay about bringing a vibrator into bed with us? Many women ask this question. On the one hand, no one should ever have to do anything sexually that they don't want to do. If a man is dead-set against incorporating a vibrator or other sex toys into couple lovemaking, then the person's wishes should be respected. But on the other hand, many men express knee-jerk opposition to vibrators that reflects not deep-seated refusal to play with them, but rather, unfamiliarity. Men who have felt reluctant to try adding vibrators to couple lovemaking might feel more open once they learn what a boon they can be.

Vibrators Enhance Women's Pleasure

Recently, Chicago psychologist and noted sex researcher Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center, which specializes in women's sexual health surveyed a random sample of 1,656 women of all races (white, black, Hispanic, and Asian), from all parts of the U.S. on their use of vibrators. This research stands as the most comprehensive study of women and vibrators to date.

One key finding is that vibrators are widely used by women from all walks of life:

• Almost one-third of women age 18 to 60 currently use vibrators.
• As women's educational level increases, so does their likelihood of vibrator use.
• Children, income, and sexual orientation play no role in women's likelihood to use vibrators.
• Contrary to conventional wisdom, rural women are almost as likely as urban-suburban women to use them.
• Contrary to conventional wisdom, single women are considerably less likely to use vibrators than women in couples.
• Among women in couples, only 9 percent say their lover does know they own one. Two-thirds of lovers actively support women's use of vibrators.

The other key finding is that vibrators enhance women's sexual satisfaction.

• Vibrators make it easier for women to become highly aroused.
• They make it easier for women to express orgasm
.

• And they improve women's overall sexual satisfaction.

In other words, when men welcome vibrators into partner lovemaking, men benefit. They gain lovers who become very turned on, and are more likely to have orgasms.

These simple facts should be enough to persuade many men to welcome vibrators into bed. But here are some common objections men raise, and the information that parries them.

"It Should Be Just You and Me"

One objection men raise is that your twosome suddenly becomes a threesome—you, me, and IT, that thing. Taking a vibrator to bed with you certainly introduces a new element into partner sex, one that requires some getting used to. But most men don't really believe that partner sex should involve just the two lovers. Most men feel comfortable with all sorts of erotic enhancements: music, candle light, lingerie, porn. Vibrators are just another enhancement.

"Nobody Else Uses Vibrators in Partner Sex"

Not true. A 1996 survey by researchers at the University of California, at San Francisco, shows that 12 percent of American couples use vibrators in partner sex. That's approximately15 million couples. That faint buzzing sound you hear just might be the couple next door playing with theirs.

"I'm Not Good Enough?"

This is a big fear for many men, the idea that they're being replaced by a machine. One good come-back to this objection: The best carpenters use power tools.

It's true that vibrators deliver more intense stimulation than a man's hands or tongue—or the woman's own hand—can provide. But that's all vibrators do. They can't kiss, hug, snuggle up in bed, tell a joke, carry on a conversation, say "I love you," or support a woman through the ups and downs of life. A woman who want to introduce a vibrator into partner sex should make of point of distinguishing between the one thing the vibrator does well, and all the many things her lover does for her, both in and out of bed. Vibrators are toys, not replacements for men.

"Why Do You Need It?"

Many men are in the dark about why a woman might like to use a vibrator. There are several possible reasons:

(1) Variety is the spice of sex. Many women who enjoy other forms of sexual contact—and are orgasmic in other ways—still enjoy the special sensations vibrators provide. It's like ice cream flavors. Why limit yourself to just a few when there are more to try?

(2) Difficulty becoming aroused. Until about age 50, most men become sexually aroused quite easily. After 50, things begin to change, and men begin to experience what many women deal with throughout life—trouble becoming sexually aroused. Men need to understand that it's normal for women to take quite a while to begin feeling erotically aroused. That's why the most fulfilling lovemaking is based on leisurely, playful, whole-body massage. It gives women the time they need to warm up to genital sex. Many women feel badly that they take "too long" to get turned on, or to express orgasm. They fear the man will get bored or tired or disgusted. Vibrators help many women become highly aroused.

(3) Can't come without it. For some women, no amount of direct clitoral stimulation by hand or tongue can trigger orgasm. The only thing that does it is the intense stimulation a vibrator provides. Women in this situation typically feel inadequate, like something is wrong with them. Some women in this situation have histories of sexual abuse or emotional problems that might account for their inability to come without a vibrator. But for many others, there is no discernible cause. That's just the way they are. They might be wonderful women in every other way. They just need a vibrator to come. That's fine. It's normal. The situation is similar to those who need glasses. Usually it's not clear why their eyesight weakens. It just does. Fortunately, we have glasses for them—and vibrators for women who need them.

"I'm Afraid I Might Hurt You"

Vibrators deliver intense sensations, so intense that some men become concerned about hurting the woman. Many women are also concerned about this, and prefer to use the vibrator on themselves, even in bed with their man. That's fine. The man can still hold the women lovingly, caress her, kiss her, and make her feel comfortable, safe, and loved. And many men enjoy watching as women use vibrators on their own vulvas and clitorises.

Lead with Lube

If a man enjoys sex with music, candles etc., but not a vibrator, a good way to introduce vibes is to begin with a sexual lubricant. For most men, lubes are less intimidating than vibrators, and they instantly make sex more pleasurable. It's a rare man who doesn't like the feeling of a well-lubricated hand stroking his penis, and a well-lubricated vagina is easier for an erection to enter, especially erections after 45 or so that are not as firm as they once were. Once a man experiences the added pleasure lubricants provide, he often becomes more willing to try other sexual enhancements, such as vibrators.

If All Else Fails…

As a last resort, you might buy the vibrator you want, leave it in plain sight, and gently mention that it helps you get turned on enough to express orgasm.

—Michael Castleman

Reference:
Berman, L. "The Health Benefits of Sexual Aids and Devices," Berman Center, Chicago, 2004.