Erection Myths

MichaelCastleman

Posted: Nov 14, 06 6:39pm

In many men over 45, sexual myths are a major cause of erection problems. Here are the most erection-deflating myths... and the truth:

Myth:

Erection is something a man "achieves."

Truth:

The American Urological Association (AUA) defines erectile dysfunction (ED) as "persistent (at least 3 months) inability to achieve or maintain erection sufficient for satisfactory sexual performance." Note the use of the word "achieve." The implication is that erection is something a man must work to produce, as though he were erecting a building. But how does a man do this work? Most men take their erections for granted until after 45, when they begin to get balky. When this happens, men have no idea how to "achieve" one. The fact is, men don't "achieve" erection. The struggle to do this is actually counterproductive. It generates considerably stress, and stress keeps the smooth muscle tissue in the penis contracted, which keeps the penis flaccid.

Forget about "achieving" erection. No one can will or force one. Erection is the result of deep sensual relaxation. The more sensual a couple's loveplay, the more likely the man is to be able to rise to the occasion. In addition, leisurely, playful, whole-body, massage-inspired sensuality is critical to women's sexual arousal--and arousal is contagious. The more turned on the woman becomes, the more turned on--and erect--the man is likely to become.

Myth:

Sex is a performance.

Truth:

The AUA definition of ED mentions "satisfactory sexual performance." Like the word "achieve," the term "performance" has pernicious implications. It makes men feel they're being judged, that women are rating them as lovers and telling everyone they know. When men think of sex as a performance they're likely to do what sex therapists call "spectatoring." Instead of feeling relaxed and fully engaged in lovemaking, sex becomes an out-of-body experience. Part of the man is making love, while the rest of him is somewhere else, watching him do it, a spectator at a sporting event. Most people are extremely self-critical. Spectatoring invites self-criticism--and the stress and distraction that accompany it. Stop spectatoring. Sex is not a performance to be watched and judged. Great sex is a form of adult play. It's best when the two lovers feel deeply relaxed, when the focus is entirely on giving and receiving pleasure. There's no performance, no audience cheering or booing, no reviews. It's just the two of you enjoying each other's intimate company.

Myth:

Men are sex machines, always ready, always hard.

Truth:

An old joke asks: What single word can a woman say to sexually arouse a man? Answer: Hello. The assumption is that men are so easily aroused that any female attention produces a bulge in their pants. Perhaps in your 20s you were so easily aroused that your penis would spring to erection at the drop of a zipper. But after 30, things usually change. Men still think about sex frequently, but like women, they develop a set of conditions that need to be met before they can raise erections and enjoy sex. Things change even more after 45, when erections start to become balky. The conditions necessary for erection vary from man to man, but include such things as: privacy, relaxation, a feeling of emotional closeness with the woman, a romantic setting, no interruptions or distractions, and specific types of sexual stimulation. It's perfectly normal to have conditions for sex. In fact, it's unusual not to. Many men love to attend professional football games. But if the game is outdoors and it's 10 below 0, and snowing with a howling wind, a man might decide not to go. The conditions just aren't right. Sex is similar. Men can love sex, but still need certain conditions to enjoy it. If those conditions are not met, a man's penis might not be interested. Especially a man over 45.

Myth:

You get only one chance at erection per sexual encounter. If it wilts, sex is over, and you're a failure.

Truth:

Some 22 year olds can stay rock-hard the whole time. But as the years pass, even those who once had perpetually firm erections during sex experience some waxing and waning. For most men over 45, erections go from firm to less firm--or even flaccid--and then back to firm several times during sex. Men over 45 need more and more direct penis fondling to raise and maintain erection. This is normal and natural, and no cause for alarm. But it marks a sexual change. After age 45, a man may have to ask for more direct penis fondling, and the specific kind(s) of stimulation he enjoys.

Unfortunately, when men who believe the "only once chance" myth experience any erection subsidence during lovemaking, they become anxious--or worse. This is self-defeating. Anxiety deflates erection. If an erection subsides during sex, instead of tensing up and thinking it's all over, a man should breathe deeply, ask his lover to caress his penis in a way he enjoys, and focus on an erotic fantasy. Chances are, the erection will return.

Many women also believe the myth that erections "should" remain hard the entire time during sex. If an erection subsides, they may feel unattractive, or think they are sexual failures. Reassure them that after 45, it's normal for erections to subside and return during lovemaking. When erections wane, both lovers should understand that the man needs more direct caressing.

Myth:

I blew it last time. I'll never get it up again.

Truth:

This myth is similar to the previous one--and equally false. Of course, it's disconcerting not to become erect during sex. But it's a big mistake to over-generalize a single problematic experience to a lifetime of ED. If a man misses a shot in basketball, does it mean he'll never make another? If he loses at cards one week, does it mean he'll never win again? If a relationship ends, are you fated to remain single forever? Sometimes things work, sometimes they don't. But in most aspects of life, men know that another day means another chance to succeed. Unfortunately, many men believe their penises don't give them second chances. Relax: They do.

If a man finds that he's having erection difficulties, he should take a careful look at the situation. Here are some possible reasons why things didn't work: He was exhausted. He had too much to drink. He felt stressed by job problems, money troubles, family problems, relationship hassles. He was physically uncomfortable. He wished he were doing something else. He felt distracted by people in the next room, or a party next door, or jackhammers in the street. If a man can't give sex the undivided attention it deserves, his erection may decide to wait until next time. Work to eliminate stresses and distractions. Invest some extra time and effort in relaxation and sensuality. Your penis will thank you.

Myth:

When I can't get hard, she says it doesn't matter. She's lying.

Truth:

In surveys that have asked women how they feel about men with erection problems, most say they wish men wouldn't become as obsessed with the situation as they do. For most women a man's lack of erection is less of a problem than his anxiety, depression, anger, confusion, and emotional withdrawal because of it. Erection matters to women, largely because it matters so much to men. Women know that if a man can't get it up, he's going to be miserable, which affects her. But erections are not necessary to satisfy women sexually.

Only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic from vaginal intercourse. To enjoy orgasm, most women need direct clitoral stimulation, with fingers, tongue, or a vibrator. In this context, erections "don't matter" to most women's orgasms. When a woman says that a man's lack of erection doesn't matter, what she usually means is that the couple can still have plenty of sensual fun without one, that she can enjoy sexual satisfaction without one, and that things are likely to be better next time.

Myth:

If I can't get hard, she'll leave me.

Truth:

It's possible, of course, but people tend to be more self-critical than they are critical of others. If a man can't raise an erection, the woman is more likely to believe that he's lost sexual interest in her, or that he's having an affair and is about to leave her. Couples rarely break up solely because of sex problems. If a man develops an erection problem, chances are she won't pack her bags. She's much more likely to want to help her lover resolve it.

Myth:

If a man can't raise an erection, the woman can't be sexually satisfied.

Truth:

No, no, no. Men who believe this myth put tremendous pressure on themselves to get hard and stay hard to satisfy the woman. That stress can impair erection. This may come as a surprise, but the vagina is not well endowed with nerves that respond to sexual stimulation, and the deeper inside the vagina your penis goes, the fewer of those nerves it finds.

Most women enjoy intercourse for the physical closeness it involves, and because it's such a turn-on for so many men. But vaginal intercourse is not the key to most women's sexual satisfaction. Women's main source of sexual pleasure and satisfaction is the clitoris, located outside the vagina and above it, under the top junction of the vaginal lips.

Now, if a man would like to use his penis to turn on a lover, train it on her clitoris: Remove it from her vagina and run it up her vulva between her inner vaginal lips. Or in the woman-on-top position, she can press her clitoris and vulva against the man's penis. But an erection is not necessary to satisfy a woman or to have her consider you a good lover.

Myth:

Intercourse requires a rigid erection.

Truth:

Actually, a semi-erection is usually good enough. There's no need to feel anxious if you're not completely firm. To enjoy intercourse with a semi-erection:

*Relax. If the man becomes anxious, he's likely to subside even more.

*Ask for the stimulation you need. Tell your lover how you would like to be caressed to maintain your semi-erection.

* Make sure the woman is highly aroused before you attempt insertion. When fully aroused, her vaginal lips part, allowing easier entry. In most cases, she also produces vaginal lubrication, which also facilitates entry. (If lubrication is a problem, use a commercial lubricant.)

* Ask her to keep fondling you as she inserts and guides you in. She shouldn't let go until the head and upper shaft of your penis are inside her. This is easiest in the missionary and woman-on-top positions. If you enjoy the rear entry (doggie style), stroke yourself.

Myth:

With age, all men develop ED.

Truth:

Wrong. Aging brings erection changes. Erections don't spring up like they used to. After about 45, men lose the ability to raise an erection from fantasy alone. They need some kind of direct stimulation (hand stroking, oral sex), possibly for several minutes before their penises respond. Erections may also subside during sex. And they may not become as firm as they once were. But that's not ED. That's erection balkiness. ED is the persistent inability to raise erections at all, even during masturbation.

ED is not inevitable with age. Balkiness is common in men over 50, but even among men over 70, severe ED affects only about 25 percent. On the other hand, as men age, penises generally require direct stroking to become and remain erect. They take longer to rise, and need more fondling. They may wax and wane. With age men often develop medical conditions that can impair erection. But ED is not a normal part of aging.

--Michael Castleman