Marriage Doesn't Have to Suck
LoraMa
Posted: Sep 17, 07 2:55pm I've been with my husband for 12 years now. And even though I feel like our marriage is in a good place, I wouldn't dare say we've got this nut cracked. Every person I know who is in a healthy relationship works hard to keep things that way. And even then, life is life... and things get bumpy. And that's why TeeBeeDee is such a great resource. LearnAmong our members are licensed therapists, marriage counselors, sex experts, and people who've been around the block. This is the place to ask questions, figure out new ways to communicate, and get tips on how to keep things interesting in the bedroom. Check out: * Dealing with Desire Differences * Can Viagra Save Your Relationship? * Confessing an Indiscretion: To Talk or Not? * The Trend to Sleep Separately Exchange IdeasQuestion and Answer: Ask a question and get immediate answers. Real Life Scripts: Let's face it, some topics are hard to bring up no matter how long you've been with your significant other. TeeBeeDee members have written the words to help you get started. Take a look at the scripts for these situations: * Groping, then the missionary position... I want my husband to try something new in bed. Connect in GroupsWe've got some smart and honest and provocative people in these groups. Definitely take a peek: * Couples' Communication: Improve how you interact (and fight) with your partners. Connect with Members
Erica Curci is the sharp leader of the Sex Talk group; Michael Castleman is an award-winning journalist specializing in sexuality and health; IsadoraAlman is a licensed marriage and relationship therapist, a Board certified sexologist, and a syndicated sex and relationship columnist. And for all the latest discussions and questions on marriage, go to Relationships. Have Something to Say? |
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Posted: Sep 16, 07 12:37pm
I'm a late bloomer and still haven't gotten married, or had kids - but one day I will. I have been through one serious relationship and an engagement that ended up in a break up, and it's was horrible to say the least. I'll confess I loved her kids (2 boys) more than her, and that is something I never want to go through again. it was a heartbreaker.
Things were great for 3 1/2 years until we moved in together and within 3 months we were done. We went from great sex several times a week, to no time for sex. It was bizarre, but before things got bad I asked her where I was in her life. (note: she had been divorced 2 times already)
She listed these in this order of importance in her life. 1.) Kids (2 boys) 2.) F/T Job 3.) F/T Nursing School 4.) new home 5.) family 6.) ME.
unfortunately none of the boys Dad's were even in their lives. Her youngest, 7 years old, declared me the "greatest step dad in the world". I was the only man in their lives (aside from Grandpa) that offered a positive and reinforced environment, and unconditional love.
I think she felt threatened, and subconsciously sabotaged the relationship. I pulled away for the lack of physical intimacy, and for being not even in the top 5, and the whole thing just imploded.
I think for me, finding a mate who is childless, and who wants children in more suited for me. What do you think?
P.S. I am over it, but it's two years later and I still have not dated anyone. A one niter a year and a half ago, but that's it.
Posted: Sep 16, 07 3:10pm
If you want children then, yes, finding a woman who also does is a good idea. The rest is pure conjecture. A woman with young children will probably have their welfare at the top of her list but coming in second or third wouldn't be so terrible if you felt appreciated. If you find someone with whom to link your life, premarital counseling is a good idea in order to assess that you're aligned on all of life's important areas.
Posted: Sep 16, 07 10:13pm
I've been in two marriages. One REALLY sucked and the other is the highlight of my life. That is not to say that we don't have our moments and that there aren't times when the kids or aging parents or jobs come first, but we're life partners and everything we do takes the other one into consideration. Marriage does not have to suck. It can be a wonderful place of loving and sharing and growing. I do hope you can find it.
Posted: Nov 22, 07 6:00am
You so deserve so much better than being number 6 on the list. If you are not in the top three, something is out of balance.
Keep looking, there is a wonderful person out there for you!
Posted: Dec 12, 07 5:00pm
I told my husband I resented being his last priority.
He didn't counter. Do you ever see her boys anymore?
Posted: Feb 7, 08 7:52am
Like most things in life, marriage is what you make of it. It doesn't suck, but it can be infuriating, hurtful, puzzling. Then again, so can a lot of things in life.
I'm on my second time around the block. My hubby is the answer to my intention/prayers. What really made me love him, besides his kind & good heart, is that he loved/loves my children. We both were surprised about the depth of his feelings- in a very good way.
My son adores him and it's easy to see the positive impact the relationship has had on both of them. It sounds like you experienced something similarly wonderful.
All that to say, you may not want to limit yourself to someone who is childless. There's a specialness about falling in love with a child who is not biologically your own. I say that as someone who is adopted.
Good luck in finding your heart's desire.
Posted: Sep 17, 07 11:00am
I agree with Lora and Talia. Marriage can be great. Marriage can be awful. Usually it's somewhere in the middle, wonderful in some ways, but with issues and problems that often never get resolved. Marriage takes work, a great deal of work in my experience, to keep things on a reasonably even keel. I think one problem with our culture is the notion of "happily ever after," the idea that once you get married, your problems are over. Of course, they're not. Some problems are solved, but others emerge. And every marriage is different. I constantly marvel that two people can live together and grow together over the long haul. There's a good deal of mystery in marriage.
Posted: Sep 18, 07 3:40pm
I too had an awful first marriage, but got lucky and met the finest woman on the planet and got even luckier when I realized she loved me too. There is no question I am happy beyond my wildest dreams and she seems to be too. We have been married near 6 years now and we both work at keeping it fresh. We spend lots of time talking things out and supporting the other's dreams. Yes it is a lot of work and yes it is worth every second.
Posted: Oct 8, 07 12:09pm
< Grin >
Alright, I give up. I'm lost. Point me in the right direction here.
Is there a little corner in TeeBeeDee dedicated to those people who are- How do I put this? " Open to, and actively seeking, life-partners- Preferably spouses- but I think I've made it abundently clear I like working with women as well as sleeping with them.
Posted: Nov 1, 07 10:32am
TBD doesn't have a Personals area, at least not yet. But that's a good idea!
Posted: Nov 1, 07 11:23am
I think the Singles Group is pretty appropriate: http://www.tbd.com/group/16/view
And of course you could start a new group -- with a great name ( we know you are a good writer).
Posted: Nov 1, 07 12:28pm
I think TBD might be a good place for people who are more comfortable with a more 'traditional' way of meeting potential partners. By which I mean: show up, participate in discussions, and if you find yourself liking a person based on discussions, then after a while maybe a private correspondence through the TBD messages, and a tasteful inquiry as to status and interest...
There are already plenty of places where you can look at a line-up of people who have expressed interest and posted a profile, and go directly to the flirting.
Posted: Nov 1, 07 11:35am
When it comes to marriage, I have had only one, so even though I am an expert in the field of marital and family counseling, I can't say I can identify with every issue that can come up in a marriage.
If I were to make recommendations based on my own life rather than the lives of clients - all of whom enter counseling because there are problems, issues or obstacles that must be overcome - I would look at the ingredients that led to my own long-term success. The only guarantee I can give is that they worked for me. I never would generalize even to one other person.
1. Marry someone who identifies with the same
general goals and behaviors that you do before marriage. These include:
* Career goals which often involve sacrifice of time and energy.
* Understanding of the role of sex in your lives and the fact that two career people with two small children might not have the energy to keep up the frequency but the intensity, passion and ardor is what matters most.
* Understanding that love is not a constant based on what existed when you were 21, but a shifting core in a relationship based on all other issues being factored in.
* Learning how to hear each other. Words have different meanings to different people and may have different meanings to the same person under different circumstances.
* Allowing for disagreements and developing tools for resolution.
* Never pointing fingers or starting a sentence with an accusation.
* Developing values you want to be conveyed to your children in advance so you always present a united front to them. There is nothing worse than getting put down by a spouse in front of the kids.
Some additonal points that worked for me:
* Learning that everybody makes mistakes and for every one your spouse might make, you have probably made seven.
* Before you critcize your significant other for some trivial issue, accept that there is a strong likelihood that, if you are honest with yourself, you will realize that no one else on the face of the earth would have put up with you so well over so long.
* Never leave the house without giving a kiss goodbye. Who knows, one of you might not make it home.
* Rather than buying flowers to say you are sorry, don't do whatever it is you had to be sorry for and buy flowers just to celebrate your love.
* Go out together regularly. If you can't afford something fancy, take a tablecloth, decent dishes and silver and candles to McDonalds. The reaction you will get will keep your lamp lit for a month ... and will guaranteee that if sex is part of your regular agenda - tonight's the night!
Lollipops and unicorns
Posted: Nov 1, 07 1:42pm
By the way, Thank You Robin, Coming from you that is 'High Praise' indeed. I'm one of those, " Oh I'm not a writer." Oh, Yes you are. Really. You should write." " But if I wrote, no one would believe me." kinda guys.
I just wanted to point out, and forgive me if I repeat myself here, I actually met my last wife online.We courted online for a year before meeting 'face-to-face'
Believe me, We covered all the bases and then some. we met and courted in the original CompuServe New Age Forum just before it grew so large, so fast, that it had to split into two forums and just before CompuServe was reorganized beyond all recognition.
In most ways, our marriage served as a model of an online relationship and marriage. One, It lasted eleven years. Not bad in this day and age. Two. It resulted in the birth of a wonderful, angelic child.
One can hardly blame the demise of the marriage, the relationship on the internet. It still stands as a shining example of this Web 2.0- 3G Internet and it's promise for truly global or universal community.
Eric a.k.a. Singulus
I won't go into that story here. Details abound elsewhere, or you can simply ask. I will add, however, That that initial courtship took a year, and <grin> remind you all I don't have the luxury of time at the moment.
Posted: Nov 5, 07 2:43pm
Marriage Doesn't Have to Suck..
When I married my girlfriend 28 years ago she said to me "if you ever treat me like a wife, I'll leave you"..so, I said "OK and we jumped in the sack" ...!
Really now ... we are Best Friends .. we can't stand not being with each other ..we raised the kids the same way !
We both have our "own personality and interests" but make room for the other, too.! Our friends find this way of life "very different" but they always wish they could be like us.
There is one rule and boundary ..."don't mess with the other guys pillow"..!
Posted: May 4, 08 1:15pm
Hey Peps,Im a woman who has been married for 30yrs and was married at 15yrs of age.I had all three of my boys by the time I was 18.I know what your thinking,WOW...Thats what i think now when I look back at it,LOL!!..Anywho,I married a man who truly loved his mama,and dad..He was very respectful,and a great man..Now after we got married ,things wasn't at all like a fairy tale..Friends became frist in his life,but I grow up in a single parent home,and I didnt want my kids to grow up like me,and i knew there was a great man hiding in my man somewhere..I felt it deep in my soul,hes the one god sent to me.Once I got stronger in yrs,and prayed a lot and wrote in my journals.I survived,and he found out those friends wasn't friends at all,but he had to be the one to see it too...Once he did,we became friends,and lovers amd from then on after the kids were grown up enough,we decided ,it was our trun..We experience our lost time in our later yrs and what was so great ,it seem to be much more fun,and safe...Our love for one another became strong and we always want to be together,I feel Im nothing without god and him..He's were, I feel the safest...So,stay strong,and know you can do all things threw christ that strenghten us..True that!!.God bless to all!!