Seven Ways Pornography Misleads Men About Women's Sexuality

Porn is fantasy. What a shame that so many men don't understand that.

MichaelCastleman

Posted: Nov 20, 06 9:19pm

Pornography is like the chase scenes in action movies: Chase scenes are exciting and fun to watch�but not how anyone should drive. Porn is similar. It mis-educates men about women's sexuality, and that can contribute to no-fun sex and sex problems. "It amazes me," says Michigan sex therapist Dennis Sugrue, Ph.D., "how some men don't understand that pornography presents a fantasy world, a Neverland that's very different from the world real people live in."

Here are seven fantasies porn promotes�and the sexual truth:

Fantasy:

Every woman gets wet immediately.

Reality:

Just as the men in porn produce instant erections, the women are perpetually wet between the thighs. In fact, even with loving, playful, extended whole-body sensuality, many perfectly normal women don't produce much vaginal lubrication. To enjoy intercourse comfortably, many women need a commercial sex lubricant. You'd never know this from watching pornography. As a result, many men push too quickly into poorly lubricated vaginas, and then blame it on the woman: "She's too tight." Meanwhile, many women suffer pain on intercourse, which ruins sex for them.

Fantasy:

Women can't wait to spread their legs.

Reality:

In real life, compared with men, women usually need considerably more sexual warm-up time before they feel comfortable with genital sex. They need time for playful, creative, full-body sensuality. Porn totally ignores this very real need. Instead, it encourages men to plunge into intercourse long before women feel receptive. When surveys ask women what they dislike about the way men make love, they consistently reply that men rush into intercourse too quickly. Blame it on porn. Porn sex leaves many women cold�and turned-off women aren't much fun in bed.

Fantasy:

Women should look like porn stars to be considered sexy.

Reality:

Porn stars' bodies are way too perfect. They have flat bellies, no flab, no wrinkles, and firm thighs, upper arms, and butts, and breasts that are usually surgically enhanced. "Many men don't understand how women compare themselves to porn actresses," says San Fancisco sex therapist Linda Alperstein, MSW. "The typical woman feels very distressed that her body is nowhere near as flawless as what she sees on screen. Her man is sitting there thinking: I'd love oral sex like that. Meanwhile she's thinking: I'm a tub of lard. When women see the men in their lives enjoying those women they often feel hopelessly outclassed. They fear rejection, and it's a deep and chilling fear, one few men appreciate."

Fantasy:

Women are exhibitionists.

Reality:

The women in porn seem delighted to flash their breasts and genitals, and strut around naked just about anywhere. Few real women are exhibitionists. Most women feel insecure about their bodies�and hypercritical of little flaws men may never even notice. Because of these insecurities, many women feel reluctant to reveal themselves even to the men they love. Meanwhile, men who take their sexual cues from porn often expect their lovers to prance around in the buff. They can't understand why women insist on wearing robes until just before slipping under the covers, and want the lights off during sex.

Fantasy:

Women are content to be sexual receptacles for men.

Reality:

According to a great deal of sex research, only about one-quarter of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. The fact that women in pornography almost never have orgasms is porn's only sexually realistic element. After the man ejaculates, known in the industry as the "money shot," the sex is over. The women scream and moan in the throes of supposed passion, but they almost never have orgasms.

The culture of porn has little interest in women's sexual satisfaction. The vast majority of x-rated media is produced by men for men. In addition, given the rushed, nonsensual nature of porn sex, under those circumstances, it's a rare woman who could have an orgasm, even if she wanted to. No wonder so many men are in the dark about women's orgasms. They never see them in porn, and have no idea that porn-style sex leaves many women so turned off and unfulfilled that they can't have them.

Fantasy:

Everyone has oral sex every time.

Reality:

In porn, fellatio and cunnilingus are as common as saying hello. This significantly overstates the popularity of oral sex in America's bedrooms. According to the best current sex research�surveys by researchers at the University of Chicago and the University of California�only about 25 to 50 percent of lovers routinely engage in oral sex. For porn viewers who receive less oral than they'd like, the ubiquity of oral sex in porn creates the impression that everyone in the world is enjoying oral every time�except them.

Fantasy:

All women respond the same way in bed.

Reality:

Pornography ignores the unique individuality of sexual expression. Porn sex is cookbook sex. Take two people. Get them naked. She fellates him. He may provide cunnilungus for her. Then they have intercourse in various acrobatic�and often unrealistic�positions. Some people may enjoy making love this way, but most prefer more creativity. Porn never shows lovers massaging each other's shoulders or feet, or running fingers through each other's hair, or tracing fingers on the backs of knees, or sucking each other's fingers or ear lobes. All of these little moves add special zing to lovemaking. Pornography rarely shows eye contact. It never zooms in to catch one lover whispering, "I love you." Nor does porn ever show lovers asking each other, "Is this okay?" Or "What can I do for you?" In porn, one script fits all. "Porn sex is a very narrow interpretation of sexual expression," says Palo Alto, California sex therapist Marty Klein, Ph.D. "After a while, it gets boring. Great sex never gets boring."

�Michael Castleman

References:
Bergner, R. and AJ Bridges, "The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvement for Romantic Partners: Research and Clinical Implications," Journal of Sex and Marital Research (2002) 28:193.

Bridges, AJ et al. "Romantic Partners' Use of Pornography: Its Significance for Women," Journal of Sex and Marital Research (2003) 29:1.