Rekindling the Romance (and Your Sex Life)Tried and True Methods for Enhancing A Relationship
IsadoraAlman
Posted: Mar 30, 07 4:00pm More often than you might imagine, loving couples admit that they are not having sex as often as they would both like. If both are in agreement that more sex is wanted, what gets in the way? Oh, you know, life does. She has an important business report due in the morning or he's wiped out by his exercise regimen. Good intentions are often sidelined by the other pressures of busy adults. Sure, both could resolve to give private time together more of a priority but that seldom happens for long. Let me make a few suggestions that have worked for others:
A couple who were in counseling with me arranged a periodic house swap with another couple they knew. Not that the houses were all that different, but being in different surroundings and knowing that the ringing phone was not for them, allowed them a freedom they simply didn't have at home and revitalized their sex life. And a bouquet of flowers for the hosts was a lot cheaper than weekend hotel rates. Have Something to Say? |
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Posted: Sep 18, 07 2:23pm
I totally agree with what Isadora writes. Romance isn't about what you do, but how you do it--with a focus on each other, on making your spouse/playmate feel valued and special. The first step toward that is to reserve time where you focus on each other, not the TV, not the computer, or chores, but each other. In that context, Isadora's suggestions make a great deal of sense.
Posted: Oct 1, 07 6:35pm
I'm not even sure if this line of conversation or thought belongs right here. I'm sure Isadora can advise and point me in the right direction ( No pun intended, I assure you ).
I may well be an anachronism. I was raised in the old South and raised to believe that sex, in that era they didn't even use the word, occurred only after marriage. I was a virgin until I was seventeen and on my way to VietNam- After a rather hasty marriage. I had never even seen a woman before, with the possible exception of Esquire and that new one called Playboy.
Subsequently I have married every woman I have ever slept with ...
At this stage of my life this presents a problem. It would appear that most women of a certain age want a sexual relationship well in advance of any serious commitment ...
Posted: Oct 1, 07 6:53pm
Most may, but there are women raised as you were who want committment first. You can either state your position to women you date or look into the possibility of changing what you were raised to believe. I came of age in the 50's and didn't for a minute buy the notion of remaining a virgin until marriage. You get to choose your beliefs at this point as at any point in life.
Posted: Oct 6, 07 2:41pm
I totally agree with Singuluss?
As a male point of view: Sex is best when saved for post marriage. Even when remarrying again at age 35!
Saving Sex shows the marriage partner several things:
1) I respect you, 2) I care about your reputation, 3) I don't want people talking about your getting pregnant, and 4) I want to share this learing experience with only you.
TB
Posted: Oct 6, 07 4:14pm
TB, your views are not particularly male; they are individually yours. Please don't assume because you feel a particular way others of your sex do too.
Posted: Oct 25, 07 2:29am
Advantage, another thing that this should show the one you want to marry is that if you love her and won't have sex utill you are married, then you won't have sex with anyone that you are not married to........ and that to me says that you will be faithful.
At least to my way of thinking. I firmly believe in sex after marriage is best.
CT
Posted: Oct 25, 07 6:18am
The discussion seems to have gone astray from where Isadora began it. She isn't talking about sex or even just romance. She is talking about "coupleness." I know there is no such word, but there should be. Healthy couples all have it, whether it is sharing interest in wine and cheese parties, vacations in exotic places or clipping cents off coupons from the newspapers.
It is the togetherness of activities that keeps couples fresh and close. Her particular suggestions are ones that my wife and I wouldn't care for. We have education up the wazoo and take pleasure from encouraging each other's ideas rather than taking classes on Macreme or Nature Photography.
We need classes like a goat needs a goatee-trim! Vacations? Who has time for them? She works 70 hours a week and in retirement, I work more than I did in my formal working years. I am trying to become the next Donald Trump. I've got 2 condos although I'm expanding more slowly than The Donald's waistline! We love to joke about that.
We build our life around three islands that interconnect:
Self: work and personal interests.
Coupleness: special time to be together to do interesting and playful things and just talk about what we bring in that is news. I used to come home and say, "Today, I worked with three psychotics, a sociopath, two microcephalics and an obsessive compulsive ... and that was just the staff!"
She would respond with the goings on in the Peyton Place School District where a rocking van meant a pair of cheatin' hearts!
Never a dull moment. We went to bed tired but smiling ... a great place to start the night.
Family: Time with our son and his family and special time with our granddaughter aside from the time with them as a family. She is a force of nature and brings her high spirit into our lives and spreads instant sunshine.
We do make special times for each other that are built into our schedule no matter what else is going on. THose times are not based on what we do but simply being together with no other agendas to interfere.
We never found that we got stale. We don't need to force activities to replace gaps in our relationship. We are basically a boring couple to others. We don't like parties, group vacations, classes or barbeque's. We prefer each others' company to that of others - except family and a few close friends. We don't call 100 people friends just because we said "Hi," to them over the backyard fence.
For couples who are not on such firm ground, planning is needed to get started. But if the fun doesn't become spontaneous after some practice, maybe they have to ask themselves if the problem isn't a core issue in their relationship. That is something else that counseling deals with.
No amount of gadgetry will fix a dead marriage, and by dead I mean that there is no love left. The voyage is not a pleasant one on the Good Ship Platitude.
So, go for it. Forget about what others do. Find your own patterns and rhythms and for God's sake, make marriage a healthy state, not a long sentence.
Posted: Nov 1, 07 10:31am
Bravo, MiltT. I agree that every couple has to figure out their own ways to enjoy time together, and give each other permission to follow their solo interests as well. But one key to a successful relationship, as Isadora said when she opened this discussion, is the notion of making regular, special time for each other. It doesn't matter what you do. A class. Travel. The crossword puzzle. Tennis. Whatever. The important thing is to reserve special time regularly for each other and things you enjoy doing together.
Posted: Nov 2, 07 6:48am
I think the key here is balance - which is hard to achieve if you don't plan or schedule it. Each of us needs time alone, time with friends, and time with our special someone. Since most of us have pressures of jobs, kids, and other obligations, unless we schedule the time, we won't do it.
I love the idea that people posting on this thread are not predetermining what has to happen in that time. For some couples doing a jig saw puzzle together can be quite intimate and romantic - for others, it can be torture. It is worth the time to find activities that both enjoy and make sure there is time in the week to do them.
I think it is important that some of this time not be the sex time. In other posts (and this one too), people have suggested scheduling sex dates. This is a great idea - we've been doing it for years, but I think it is helpful to separate these two (very related) issues.
Posted: Nov 30, 07 5:52pm
* includes photos
To Milt:
We have been married 26 years, and I must agree that you must come together and find your own rhythms and inter-peace to keep love alive and the marriage healthy and funny!
You must know the pros and cons of each other, this will help you from speaking out too fast.
Posted: Nov 6, 07 5:40pm
.....Good intentions are often sidelined by the other pressures of busy adults. Sure, both could resolve to give private time together more of a priority but that seldom happens for long....
-----------------------------------------------------------
BALONEY ....! Why did they get married in the first place ? Today, as people grow up, they are socialized into "me'ism" and their personality seems unalterable. Then, as soon as they marry, this me'ism becomes the dominate trait of the relationship. I see this all the time and I tell people "get a life together or get divorced, because you didn't want to be together in the first place"..!
Since we are talking couples here, it is important they find out if they like each other before they have kids. Then their me'ism is pushed onto the kids and the kids will be miserable or worse, "they grow up just like their miserable parents" !
Posted: Nov 6, 07 7:19pm
In our situation, we became so focused on raising our family that our own relationship kind of got lost in the shuffle. Now our last child has left home and it is just the two of us for the first time in 29 years. One day I commented to my husband, "I know we got married for a reason. Want to remind me what it was?" He didn't think it was funny and I wasn't joking! Since then we have made an effort to make time for each other, to discover new interests that we can enjoy together and we have made more of an effort to spend time just talking. It is a challenge to rekindle a stalled relationship but it is not impossible! Isadora's suggestions are right on target--thank you!
Posted: Nov 8, 07 9:29pm
Hello!
I agree with this philosophy. Your posts are very helpful, Isadora. I am having so many relationship questions currently. My doctor, psychologist, wants me to work on my marriage, and
I am finding this group a great way to do exactly that. I was also born in the
50's Isadora. I live in Indiana. My husband is a hard worker, and our marriage of almost 32 years, with two grown children, means very much to me. We have counselled before, and worked out some of the problems in communication. I even attended group therapy, but found this hard to really talk about my individual problems.
My question is that my husband and I have a great past-time together, and sometimes I cannot get it to work. We
walk with a friend, at the mall, together.
We eat lunch out, and then walk about
three miles together. I would encourage this activity for couples to try because we do this 5 days per week. My husband works on the second shift, so that allows the daytime
routine. The other person is semi-retired, and by the way, a psychologist,
by career. I believe he worked with individual teen counseling at a hospital for five years.
I was enjoying the walks, off and on,
for almost 2 years now. I am not as regular with walking, since my part-time
job interferes at times. The other man
is sometimes disagreeing with me lately. I apologized and sent a friendship card. He took the apology well. The problem is that there is still
a rift in the friendship. One time, my husband refused to take me walking with them. Since then, he seems very distant about this topic. I even imagine, the worst, they might plot against me. This thought is not unrelated to what happened with another mutual friend. Their marriage of many years broke up, with reasons that I thought were very shaky. I cannot
mention this disagreement to my friend that we walk with, but it is hard to not think that the break-up of the marriage was a mess. Maybe I should just let the
situation ride for a while, but any suggestions would be helpful. Why split up a good relationship with walking
with my husband for no good reason?
Posted: Nov 25, 07 2:04pm
IsadoraAlman -
I'm sure that these tips will work for some, and maybe even most couples if they would give it a try. My problem or "our" problem is that we let so many years pass while pushing sex to the backburner and pursuing careers and interests, I'm not sure the motivation, desire or interest is strong enough for your suggestions to work. As I've stated elsewhere, there are so many good qualities in my marriage and marriage partner, that I would not want to dissolve it at this time. But changing careers and pursuing a masters' degree set me on one path while volunteer work in the community and in the church set my wife down another path. The solution for me, that some will want to stone me for, is finding romantic love in a secondary relationship. I would encourage my wife to do the same, if it would make her happier, which I've told her and maybe she does. She has taken very little interest in my career or my studies, and I'm guilty of not having the time or interest to learn all the details of her work and church group. She's a charming woman, a great mother, not unattractive, and since I made a commitment 25 years ago 'til death do us part' , I'm happy to share my resources with her and help the kids succeed in school and with their interests. I don't pursue prostitutes or one-night stands, but the intimacy I achieve with those I love outside of marriage seems to be enough for me. (Intimacy doesn't always mean sex.) (And I don't pursue relationships under false pretenses, I don't have sex outside of love and if I'm in love, it's sincere). I would say my romance and sex life with my wife is at a low eb, but I would need something more dramatic, more provocative, than what you've outlined, to rekindle anything romantic in this relationship.
Sorry for writing a book on this.
Posted: Nov 25, 07 2:16pm
Raycgar, the arrangement you've made is one that many have made, though not one I would choose - two amiable but distant people living under the same roof. If you and your wife are content with the the status quo I'm not saying you ought to rock the boat. The suggestions I have made are for those who WANT to reconnect to their spouse.
Posted: Nov 26, 07 8:02am
Isadora - Thanks for your comment. I think in the back of my mind I'd like to reconnect with my wife, which is why I read topics like this.
Thanks again.
Ray
Posted: Nov 30, 07 6:21pm
To Raycgar:
I have been where you are, and I really thought this outside love was real. However, I was convicted one day in church not because of sin, but I realized that my mate honestly loved me, and regardless of my faults or sickness, he always come throu for me.
I hate to cook, and he will cook for me. He hates to wash clothes, so I wash. We know we have problems, but the bedroom is the happy room, and that makes a better tomorrow for us. We know involving other people would only hurt them. We haven't forgotten we still love each other.
Posted: Feb 23, 08 12:17am
I'm a new TBD member. My marriage is in exactly the same situation as yours. Though in your later post, you expressed you desire to rekindle relationship with your wife. Does this mean you still love her? Can you still love her even if you say you have intimacy or sex with those you love who is/are not your wife?. It may seem like a dumb question but the answer will help me understand where I stand in my relationship right now. I've been under a lot of stress in the last six months because of a change in my husband's attitude toward our marriage.
Posted: Dec 1, 07 3:54pm
Oh, yes indeed! Anticipation is Lesson Number One!
Tantra is magic for bringing couples back together. It teaches couples bonding techniques... uniting the genitals with the heart chakra, looking into each other's eyes while making love, etc. Tantra is different from Western Sex in that Western Sex is linear... the objective is the Big O. Tantra is like a long, slow spiral dance, ever moving upward. When the Kundalini energy has been raised to the Crown Chakra, you experience Bliss/Ecstacy. That is a connection with Source Energy (God).
Posted: Mar 12, 08 6:25am
Yeah, we should try that.
As it stands, I'm an AT-LEAST-once-a-day kinda grrl, and he's an every-six-weeks-do-it-all-weekend-until-you-both-pass-out kinda guy.
Nevertheless, HE'S MY BEST FRIEND...and after two previous passion-filled but emotionally grueling marriages, I now know what that's worth :-D
Posted: Mar 12, 08 6:35am
Thanks for the input Isadore you are so on point.
Posted: Mar 21, 08 6:55am
yes, children...work...bills...illness....family....all put a damper on the relationship that in the long run will be the most importan...when the children have grown and developed their own lives...what is left...many times I have sat on the couch watching my partner as he is watching tv and wondered....who the heck are you????....SCARY....what will become of us once our last child has left....will the void be filled then with grandchildren??....honestly I want my friend...lover....and partner back.....We have raised our children....we have loved...and nurtured untill we are exhausted!...when will we have time for us?...and if we do will we even know what to do with this time....We have discussed this briefly here and there....we have tried to go out on "dates"...we have sat and stared at each other across the table....nothing to say...unless it is about a family issue....or about our children and their children....ya know.....we don't even have friends....not those that we do things with....they are in the same sad boat we are in.....I wonder sometimes.....is my marriage over.....I love this man....just don't know how to reach him......very sad.....and I wonder if he feels the same....I have asked....he just looks at me....says not too much.....just walks away......this is not what I believe Marriage is .....but this marriage sucks....and I'd like any ideas on how to unsuck it!
Posted: Mar 24, 08 3:41pm
Excellent post, Kat!
Same deal here...
Posted: Mar 24, 08 1:25pm
How do I handle the vicious cycle I'm in: he would like more sex, I would like more intimacy. I find it difficult to have sex without periodic hugs, kisses, compliments - not every day, shoot, not even every week, but some time! I've talked about this with my husband many times, yet he still doesn't/can't/won't and I feel worse each day. I rarely deny him sex, and he is a wonderful lover (giving me what I like in that area), but he gets right out of bed afterward and I'm left feeling like I should have been paid. It is a horrible feeling and I am feeling lost and disconnected in my marriage. I find myself feeling resentful of even having sex because I am thinking "what about my needs?". Any helpful advice?
Posted: Mar 24, 08 1:36pm
Ok I'm new in here so i'm going through here and was reading,we have 6 kids and it is very difficult to find time for ourselves.But when we do its like were alone, kids are asleep and its like do it,its done,then we go our own ways,and its like okay did I miss something. I try to talk to him about it but then about that time the kids are right in the middle he just turns over and goes to sleep,I feel bad but don't know what to do. help
Posted: Mar 24, 08 2:59pm
Pat, Patricia, Kat,
Each of you know your own husband. You must reach him for anything to change. Bribes? Threats? Tears? Rage? Trade-offs? In whatever way is likely to work tell him how miserable you are, what you want, some suggestions for getting it, and what will happen if nothing changes. "Husband, you have to know that I've started noticing other men (or looking at divorce lawyer ads, or having murder fantasies.) If we don't get our marriage back on track with more XXXX (fill in the blank) I think we are in more serious trouble than you think. I suggest seeing a marriage therapist/going on a couples' vacation/taking a massage workshop...."
Then, if nothing changes or your husband won't at least engage you in a dialog about what's wrong DO something. Take a vacation on your own. Consult a therapist alone. Move to the guest room. Most men won't change anything unless forced to. Force him to.
Posted: Mar 24, 08 3:27pm
Problem we talk,but then its I that gets the guilt trip because, its either work,the kids,tired,then I feel like since I stay home that I should give him his space, couples vacation,with small kids they would have to go with us. On the massage when the kids are asleep and I mean asleep I love to do that for my husband.problem is he gets so relaxed he falls asleep then I'm left hot and bothered.
Posted: Mar 24, 08 3:43pm
Your situation is the exact reverse at my house! I can't believe I'm hearing this stuff!
Posted: Mar 24, 08 3:58pm
Don't get me wrong I love my husband with all my heart,Its just this is my husbands 2nd marriage and I guess she treated him like trash he told me he would of stayed with her even if she had'nt kicked him to the curb,so he still has a lot of anger there with that.