What We Leave Behind

Sorry about your mother.

You didn't mention her age, but I'm assuming that she was close in age to your in-laws. They were the Depression generation and then during WWII they had to ration and some women had to work.

My mom is 94, her and my dad bought their house, but their furniture was hand me downs. When my mom went to work in the 60s she replaced the furniture. But their bedroom set is 50 yrs old because they handed down their first twin headboards to my brother and I. When I got my first job I bought my first new bed.

Fortunately with a little inheritance they were able to go to Europe twice.

I have managed mom's money since before my father passed, but she wouldn't spend much. Recently I used some of her money to have her bedroom remodeled. It had not been painted in 40 yrs and the carpet was unthinkable. I had insulation installed, additional outlets, new dry wall, crown molding, new trim and a closet insert installed with sliding mirror doors. New carpet was installed and now we are just waiting for the shutters.

Mostly they are concerned about making sure that we are cared for. I have always like the bumper sticker....We are spending our children's inheritance.

We like to joke that the best present you can give my dad is a big box of all your old clothes. He'd wear what he fit and use the rest as scraps for washing the car, for wiping up oil spills.... you get the picture. And even to this day, whenever we buy him presents, we tell him the item cost half of what we actually paid so he won't make us take it back. "Here's a new digital camera... I got it on sale for $20!"

Sorry about the death of your Mom. No matter what our age it is hard to lose a parent. And even if you are 65 when your parents die, you feel like an orphan. Your story touched me. Lately I have been talking to others my age about all of the stuff we have accumulated over the years. I plan to leave my kids albums filled with pictures of our travels and, hopefully, lots of memories of time spent with our yet to be born (or even thought about) grandbabies. My husband and I are relatively young retirees (mid 50's) and we are doing, not waiting and dreaming about where we would like to go or what we'd like to see. As a cancer survivor I know how important it is to live more in the present. I want to do as much as possible while I am able and when I am not able I will sit in my rocking chair and smile as i remember . . .

My husband's father just turned 86 yesterday! Mom died 6 years ago and he was devastated. But he found a new lady in his life--she is 90!! They are so sweet together and I think not too different from teens in love!!

So there is hope for love, no matter what your age!

And it is good to see the"spring" back in Dad's step.

Dahlin, don't you dare tell your MIL not to leave her kids a house full of junk.

First, it's not junk to her no matter what you think of it.

Second, there is no telling what will bring a plesant memory to someone after she's gone, cheap plastic or not.

Wow Adair, that is a lovely story. You warmed my heart with such deep caring for your mom.

You have inspired me, to make certain that my three children are left with more than just "my stuff." I want to make sure I leave them my memories.

I have always kept photos and ticket stubs, only to throw them away once they get dusty and tattered from my own enjoyment.

Where the large monetary settlements and the family heirlooms will be nice. They will not be me. I will from this day forth, make sure there are more photos, more momentos, more of me. And I will tell my children, when I am older, insist that I spend money on myself too.

My mom lives for her "stuff". She asks my brother and I weekly to tell her what we want when she passes. Neither of us have requested anything as it is all OLD (but well cared for) stuff. I told her I definitely wanted the 60's console stereo that she uses for a shrine for her deceased granddaughter. She looks at me and "scolds" "You don't want that, you're just messing with me!" She drives an early 90's car that is kept in the garage and has (maybe) 20K original miles on it. Well, then I'll take the 1991 Zenith TV (that is getting very tired with the "red gun" in the CRT failing fast). Still more scolding!. I just encourage her to enjoy life and do what she wants for as long as she can. When she tells me "You and your brother will just haul all my stuff to the dump when I die!", I respond "What will you care? Do you want us to bury you in a "landfill" so you can keep it all close?" :-)

Adair, I hope you learn to be tolerant of a generation that grew up with nothing and was happy if their children had plenty - even if kept them impoverished. It made the people of that generation feel better to know they could leave an "estate" of a few thousand dollars to their millionaire children because they were left nothing by parents whose struggles left them just treading water. Those who didn't know abject poverty can't imagine what it must have been like. I grew up upon the bridge that spanned the two generations and have some of each of their qualities.

Our generation learned that material things are important as well as leaving an estate for the kids. Our kids, I'm afraid will throw out all the values that preceded them and leave only credit card debts and high end mortgages to their kids so they can live in a McMansion, drive a Beemer and have an Au pair to take care of the kids while they do lunch.

In the end, we all die and as long as we live the life we choose, it is not anyone's place to tell us how to do it. I had an uncle who lived in squalor and left a safety deposit box with over a quarter of a million dollars in cash to his brothers and sisters (he never married). My wife had an aunt who was the same and left behind even more than that. Were they wrong to live in self-deprivation? I can't say. The bequeathment to their heirs did good for others after their demise.

If your mother felt her life was worthwhile because she gave to her kids, she lived a good life - on her terms.

My granddaughter, who, at fourteen, earns a well-off adult's wages as a performer, buys all her clothes second hand or sews them from material that used to be something else. There are thousands of kids who emulate her and look at her as an icon. She feels she is doing her part to "keep it green," and proposes it to others in magazine articles and from the podium that is the entertainment stage.

In the end, the times and circumstances we live under create opportunities and limitations. There is no right way or wrong way to live life. My only objections are when someone sticks his or her nose in my business or his or her business in my nose. Everybody has a right to chose the path upon which they will play out their performance that we call life.

Adair, the title of your noted book tells me we experienced much different early lives and we are each affected by its substance and tenor. Thank God there is room for all of us on this tight little planet. Your mother is at rest. Let it go, then do it your way in the end so your kids will have something else to complain about! No matter what, our kids will want to do it differently from us.

Of course what she really left behind was a powerful, articulate daughter (among others) who makes her way beautifully in the world. The real legacy we get from our elders is the "us" we become for having had them as part of our lives. And that can never be junk.

Your writing is always a treat. Thank you for this post.

My husband is in residential real estate and we see many estates and homes after people have passed away. One of the things that you hear from people often is they want to remain in their home until they die.

We all want what is familiar and comfortable to us, especially in times of sickness.

My husband and I have discussed that the healthiest most well adjusted people seem to generally make a move around the age of 70 or before. They move to a smaller home or some form of senior living community. They are in control of where they live and make all the choices themselves. This enables them to live in their home until they die while at the same time scaling down, emptying out and creating a fresh environment that is more user friendly.

We are watching our parents live in their family home, both severely handicapped. They have not gone upstairs or in the kitchen in 3 years. My husband takes care of all the plumbing, furnace/ac problems, leaks, yard work and all the other expenses related to caretaking their home. They have lived there for 50 years and would never consider moving. They live in 2 rooms, the bed is in the dinning room.

If they had moved 20 years ago, they could still live in their own home. Unfortunately, nothing has ever been given away or gotten rid of. They don't even know what they have anymore, its so sad.

I have to admit, I worry about my husbands health, he is very tired and I worry about when his parents pass on because he has another big job ahead of him. He even says if it makes them happy to be there then let it be. Of course there is nothing we can do about it now, but, I believe it is negatively affecting his health as well. They will be 94 and 91. I respect their full life and all their household treasures but I must say that it is a lesson for me to see what I don't want to do as I age. I love them but won't follow in their footsteps. The way I look at it is that I have about 20 more years to stay in this home then into a smaller dwelling. I have already started decluttering and removing the things that aren't so important. I'll ask my kids what they like as we go along and if it works out, I'll die at home.

My mother died this past April, she was 81 and it was very unexpected. There are seven children in our family with inlaws and grandchildren it is quite a group. Dad is still alive but he put his hands up and so was no help dispersing any belonging. Pressure was added when Dad wanted to move out of the homestead and into an apartment as soon as possible. So what took over 60 years of marriage to gather had to be sorted in 5 months. My husband has been saying for 33 years of our marriage, that he didn’t want to be around when the estate was being decided. We all would laugh and think how bad could it be, well it is the worst thing I have ever gone through. (and I have had some really tough times). It is Christmas, the first one without Mom and we are not talking to any of my family. Everyone has gone to their own corners and no one is speaking anyone. So please I am begging you, it is not a joke or something that can be put off to another day. Please either sell everything while you are alive so you can explain everything to your family or make a list and talk to your children while you are alive because you think the picture that just hung in the hall is nothing but it could mean a great deal to some in your family.

My mother has "marked" everything with my brother's, my or my nephew and sons names. She even made up albums for each of us. My brother and I used to bicker( he sang "Why are you an asshole?" on my 40th). But, age and wisdom has brought us closer. We just want MOM to be as happy and as independent as she can be for as long as she can. He can have the 1992 Olds and the stereo and old Zenith color TV (if he wants them). But, everything will be sold and divided if she doesn't outlive us both. More power to her if she does. :-)

Adair:

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Remember, however, that many of our superiors were taught to live that way (save for retirement; don't buy what you don't need; "a penny saved is a dollar earned"). There are others, however, who reject this thought, and spend unneedlessly, such as my mother who would rather spend to remain stylilsh and die in the poor house.

Although you had a great love for your mom, there also appears to be some underlying anger.

I truly understand as our lives with our mothers seem so parallel. Mine, however, is at the opposite extreme.

When she dies, we will unlikely have $18,000. Instead, will likely be in debt as a result of her spending, with a cluttered house full of expensive clothing and furnishings that I have no idea what to do with. Although this often angers me, she seems fulfilled.

Somewhat similar to your mom, I, too, am a little frugal. I buy very nice clothing and furnishings; however, I never splurge for anything that is unneeded. My only weakness are automobiles and car racing. (LOL)

There are just some things I find to be needless. For example,

I don't need a manicurist -- I do my own nails, which are very pretty

I don't need a hairdresser other than to cut my hair -- I do my own

I don't need pampering -- I pamper myself

If I don't need it, I'm not gonna spend it.

My goal is to save -- not necessarily to pass on, but to remain independant and not have to depend on anyone in my retirement years. It sounds as if your mom felt much the same.

Your mom lived the life she chose. Let go of any resenment you may have and continue to love her forever, as I have chosen to do with mine.

Whoever cleans up after me can just effen suffer.

If it didn't have some meaning to me, it wouldn;t be here in the first place.

Thank you for sharing this vivid image. I lost my mother three years ago and the pain can be as vivid as yesterday at any given moment. She, too, had a progressive decline due to end-stage COPD and I was at her side the last six months of ambulance runs and convalescent hospitals, especially the last two hours watching her last painful breaths,wiping bloody spittle from her lips and crying helplessly while I played loud piano music cd's that her mother had loved.

She had about $200 left in her checking account, a 1970's hand-me-down Toyota from my uncle, and a two-room apt behind our garage. She would have loved to do the things you urged your mother to do. I would have loved her to be well enough to have taken her out for a manicure and tea.

I still have most of her dishes and vases. I still make up her bed with her sheets and comforter that my brother and her grandkids use and remember when they come to visit, using the apt as guest quarters. Poring over her collection of family photo albums that date back to her childhood and range through all of ours is a favorite, comforting pasttime. Many of the dishes are considered antiques today. There are two maple end tables that were part of my folks' first and only formal living room set they purchased in 1959. I only recently got rid of the rest of her clothes and re-arranged her furniture.

Funny how different our perceptions of our parents can be, especially of how we need them to live for us.

Hi Adair,

Sorry for your loss. I'm with those who have lived thorugh similar on this issue. I felt the same as you until I got a dose of perspective.

My in-laws live in Eastern Hollland, 12 miles from the German border. As children, they remember five long years of occupation, fear and rationing. The Gestapo commandeered the local castle our farm house backed up to and summarily executed half the men in the surrounding villages. That farmhouse also housed Jewish families hiding amongst the hay bales in the ceiling and members of the Dutch resistance (the lady cleaning our home lost her father to the resistance.)

I used to think my mother was cheap and she grew up just after the Depression. Some of us remember the long gas lines of the 70s but we've never seen basic foodstuffs rationed and this is what they lived though. It taught the value of everything no matter how small. I am amazed at how much they can squeeze out of every ingredient in a meal.

I was very quick to judge until I saw firsthand how the Dutch react. Yes, they are cheap and it comes from a foundation in life of real lack. they don't know any better and when you have lived through it, you remember... it's not esy to forget or change one's ways.

Our mothers met on a weekend cruise years ago and my mother still mentions your mother with fondness, even though they only connected for a short time. They would slip off together for a smoke, a habit/vice I could never understand. I wish the same for my mother that you wished for hers: travel, own nice things, enjoy life. Knowing that she had done the things she dreamed of doing would make me so much happier than an inheritance.