What Is Romance?

Posted: Oct 8, 07 2:31pm

According to Barbara and Michael Jonas, creators of the relationship-enhancement games An Enchanting Evening, To Know You Better, and Two to Tango, romance is not so much what you do, but how you do it—your attitude, and the creativity you use to make your partner feel loved, appreciated, and special. For one person, romance is daisies on a breakfast tray. For another, it’s a foot massage after a long day at work. For a third, it’s surprise weekend getaway. Each of these romantic gestures is different. But they all have one thing in common—an attitude that says I love you. I care about you. I appreciate you—and I’m happy to put some effort into demonstrating it.

The first game the Jonases created, An Enchanting Evening, is the world’s top-selling game for couples interested in enhancing romance and intimacy. But as it became popular, something unexpected happened. People not only played the game. They wrote the Jonases about how they keep the spark of romance alive in their relationships. Eventually the Jonases collected these letters into a book, The Book of Love, Laughter, and Romance ($14.95 from Timefortwo.com). Here are some of their ideas:

Love Notes

My wife and I are musicians. She plays the violin. I play piano. We like to leave little love notes tucked into each other’s music or instrument cases. We tend to use musical terms and metaphors, so somewhere along the line, we started referring to them as grace notes.

My husband hangs banners across my computer screen. The last one said: Happy 2,694th day together! He sometimes says he wishes he could be more artistic, but I think he’s just fine as he is.

Whenever I go out of town, I leave little notes in places he’ll see: near the coffee pot, on the TV, on his shaving cream. It’s my way of reminding him that I love him, that he’s always in my thoughts. Sometimes I slip notes into his shirt pocket or brief case: Remember me? I love you.

We work in offices across town from each other. But sometimes I have meetings near her office. I like to stop by the parking lot where she keeps her car and slip a little love note under her windshield wiper.

We’ve been married for 57 years, and one of our greatest pleasures has been writing love notes to each other. Some are on lovely cards or fine stationery. Others are on the backs of old envelopes or laundry slips. Some are corny. Others are serious. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the sentiment: I’m thinking of you. We’ve never thrown away a single note, not in all our years together. Our children know all about our love notes. For our 50th anniversary, they gave us a large, beautifully decorated leather box to hold them.

Little Gifts

Once a week my husband and I play racquetball together after work. Recently, when we returned home, I asked him to hang up my coat so I could get started with dinner. He refused. I was so ticked off that I stomped to the closet and hung it up myself. Did you hang up your coat? he asked. Yes, I replied curtly, annoyed and hurt. Well, why don’t you check the closet again? Now I was exasperated. I flung the closet door open—and a package fell at my feet. It was beautifully gift wrapped, with my name on it. He stood there grinning as I opened it and found a lovely sweater, just my style and color. There was no special occasion. He just saw it and knew I’d like it.

At work one day, the receptionist paged me. I figured I had a FedEx. What I saw was a big bouquet of flowers. I assumed one of the women in the office was being courted. I couldn’t believe it when the receptionist said the bouquet was for me. I opened the card. It was from my wife. As I took the flowers back to my office, several people in the reception area applauded. I know it’s usually men who send flowers to women, so I felt embarrassed. But I loved it.

I’d had a very hectic week. Saturday morning was my time to sleep in, doze, be lazy. I was only half awake when I thought I smelled fresh flowers. I reached out to turn the clock toward me. There on the table next to the clock was a lovely water bowl with a gardenia floating in it. My husband came in and gave me a kiss.

Seize The Day

I woke with a jolt. The bedroom was filled with morning light. Oh no! I said, the alarm didn’t go off. We’re going to be late for work. I shook my husband awake and jumped out of bed. Come back here, he said with a mischievous grin. I took the day off. And I called your boss. No work today.

Someone had written Wash Me in the dust on our car. The yard didn’t look that good either. So we set aside a Saturday to wash the car and do yard work. The morning was sunny and warm. We brought out a radio and tuned it to an oldies station we like. I started on the garden. He tacked the car. I was singing along to a Beach Boys song when I felt a spray of water on my legs. Oops, he said, just an accident. But his laughing gave him away. Well, two can play that game. I had a hose, too. When he turned around, I blasted him. By the time we stopped, we were both drenched and we were laughing so hard our sides hurt.

We were driving up the coast one afternoon, when I told him to turn on to this little side road I’d seen before but never traveled. I had no idea where it went. It wound up into hills filled with pine trees, meadows, and pastures for goats. Each turn gave us a view more beautiful than the last. We wound up in a little hamlet where we had a great spaghetti dinner. To this day, he calls that lane our road.

Lush greenery, trees, a warm breeze—and we’re in the heart of Boston. For a lot of people the park near our house is a place to jog, ride bikes, or play Frisbee. But we bring a blanket and a picnic basket full of little treats. It’s our special retreat.

It Takes Two to Tango

For the longest time, I wanted my wife to come to a baseball game with me. But I couldn’t get her interested. Then I tried a different approach. I bought her an attractive windbreaker, warm and cuddly enough for a night game. Then I put a pair of tickets to an upcoming game in the pocket. Well, what could she say? Not only was she a good sport, but she had a good time at the game, and at one point, even cheered. About two weeks later, she gave me an attractively wrapped gift box. Inside I found a pair of binoculars and a note: Perfect for a baseball game, or…. And two tickets to the opera.

I signed us both up for a cooking class without telling him in advance. I knew he’d never go unless I did it this way: On the day before the class I said, “Tomorrow I’m taking you on a little trip to a surprise destination that involves good food.” When we got there, he was taken aback, but as we made and kneaded the dough, he got into it—and by the end, really enjoyed it. Now we make Pizza at home. He considers himself an expert!

We keep two wish bowls in our kitchen, one for each of us. Next to them, we keep a stack of index cards. Whenever something comes to mind that either of us thinks would be fun to do together, we jot a note on a card and put it in our bowl. At the beginning of each month, we sit down after dinner with a glass of wine and some cheese, and we each pick five cards from the other’s bowl. We read them over, talk about the possibilities, and negotiate a bit: I’ll go to this if you go to that. Our only rule is that we agree to do one activity from each bowl during that month. (This letter inspired the Jonases to create Two to Tango: A Couple’s Wish Box, available at timefortwo.com)

Hey, TBDers, what do you do to keep the spark of romance in your relationship?