Posted: Jun 5, 08
5:25am
We're getting old.
With the exception of a few bewildered youngsters and Colin Morris, most of us are approaching that age where we will do anything to slow down the disfiguring ravages of time. We purchase creams and lotions to try and disguise our age, we drink mystery concoctions from ominous brown bottles which taste so foul that they make us wish for a speedy end to it all...we may even resort so low as to watch infomercials at night when we cannot sleep and there's nothing better to do...that we actually can do without great frustration.
My friend Cecily MacMurgatroyd is always coming up with some new idea or another to help keep her looking youthful. The first time she tried the Preparation H treatment for wrinkles, she walked up to myself and a companion saying, "doesn't my face look tight?"
The woman standing next to me got a disgusted look on her face and blurted out, "Yeah....like a sphincter!!!"
Ms. MacMurgatroyd has now abandoned the hemorrhoid treatment, claiming it was 'just too temporary' and is into something new now.
Lard.
She insisted I try it because, "...the ancient Egyptians used it and everyone knows how beautiful they were."
I wanted to tell her that I thought I was already 'ancient' enough and that I doubt the Egyptians used lard on their faces, but it somehow just seemed easier to try it.
I bought the lard and smeared my face with it.
I smelled like the Lumberjack Grand Slam from Denny's.
My morning walk didn't produce any more "Hi" s or "Good mornings" from the other walkers, but their dogs were certainly interested in trying to estimate how high they would have to jump to obtain the secret bacon stash that I must be concealing somewhere above my shoulders.
Where had Cecily gotten this stupid idea to begin with? It reminded me of the time my daughter and I tried to evacuate our pores using an Elmer's glue peel.
There are hairs on your face whether you can see them or not, so you might as well skip the glue and go straight to the surgical tape facial mask. It couldn't be any more painful.
Needless to say, the lard is now on a shelf next to the almost unopened jar of Marmite.
Am I the only idiot on the site? What is the stupidest beauty treatment or home remedy that you've ever tried?
