What Makes a Partner Cheat?

I really don't feel that any kind of cheating is acceptable.

If you tell someone that you love them. No kind of cheating is love. If you love someone you would tell them that you need to move on, end the relationship as it is.

It amazes me how people spend 10s of thousands to throw a great wedding to profess their love to one another. But then when it goes bad, too many of them hate each other. Where is the love? If you love someone and you, they or both of you change and need to separate, don't you still love that person?

I really like Sting and one of his songs is...

If You Love Someone Set Them Free

Free, free, set them free

Free, free, set them free

Free, free, set them free

If you need somebody

Call my name

If you want someone

You can do the same

If you want to keep something precious

You got to lock it up and throw away the key

If you want to hold onto your possession

Don't even think about me

If you love somebody

If you love someone

If you love somebody

If you love someone, set them free

Set them free

Set them free

Set them free

If it's a mirror you want

Just look into my eyes

Or a whipping boy

Someone to despise

Or a prisoner in the dark

Tied up in chains you just can't see

Or a beast in a gilded cage

That's all some people ever want to be

If you love somebody

If you love someone

If you love somebody

If you love someone, set them free

Set them free

Set them free

Set them free

You can't control an independent heart

Can't tear the one you love apart

Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live

We can't live here and be happy with less

So many riches

So many souls

With everything we see that we want to possess

If you need somebody

Call my name

If you want someone

You can do the same

If you want to keep something precious

You got to lock it up and throw away the key

You want to hold onto your possession

Don't even think about me

If you love somebody

If you love someone

If you love somebody

If you love someone, set them free

Set them free

Set them free

Set them free

Set them free

What I hear is that a woman who loves should set her love free, but so should he.

anyardier: (HI!) I had a long response to this- trying a shorter route- I think that it usually begins with the differences on interpreteting the 'rules'. We all have basics rules we live by. Some would say that the degree of seriousness increases with the investment of time, energy and emotion.if I'm dating then the level doesn't rise to the same if I"m living with them. If we are 'paired' with that basic understanding... I"m yours, etc... then I'm less likely to forgive. If it's within the confines of marriage.. well. I"m gonna hafta have a lot of time to find peace. Forgiveness is one thing. Getting past it is another.

What do I consider cheating? Anytime or thing when someone withholds information from me to 'protect' me. When thier behavior or actions would hurt me in some way. When its done in secret.

-- What circumstance is cheating acceptable? When they are sure they are done with me, and are packing...

-- What causes a partner to cheat? Umm. Hard one. But you know, it doesn't matter. Excuses and reasons however justifiable, are in the end just that. Excuses.

-- Forgiveness if your partner cheated? Seriously, it would depend on the infraction. Lie about a lunch with an old boyfriend? Sure- Sleep with another then share my bed? Oh, hell no!

-- Revenge as a soluton for a cheating partner? I can't condon it but I understand it. I once said that Living well is the best revenge.

What causes people to cheat? Many reasons. Not to list them, but in the end, it can simplified by calling it selfishness.

I think you both have great perspectives on this.

I often wonder…..back as a kid watching “Leave it to Beaver”, “Daddy Knows Best”, etc., did they cheat? And, if so, how was it handled?

Life just seemed so perfect when I was a child, outside of the normal everyday issues like civil rights, pot smoking, the Vietnam War, etc.. Men and women seemed to have a totally different understanding of love, marriage and commitment.

Maybe I was just a naïve child, with a happy life and parents who loved me, that hid me from the discord of society.

I’ve never cheated in a relationship, but have been cheated on. And, I must say…it’s a really hurting thing. Fortunately, I’m a very resilient person. I step back, pick up my heart, put it back in my chest, then evaluate the situation (why am I still here, and why have I allowed someone to treat me this way), then I move on.

Revenge? Not really a word in my vocabulary, although I have taken “justifiable” action on one or two occasions in the past. (I think in a previous post we referred to this as “Righteous Indignation”!! LOL).

Now, I just wait for “Karma” to step in (Wow!! The Buddhist really had something with this one!!), and it never seems to let me down. LOL

To anyone interested in this issue, I heartily recommend the book Why We Love by anthropologist Helen Fisher. It's a fascinating look at the biochemistry behind why we fall in love with one person, become very attached to that person, and then go and fall in love with someone else, and possibly cheat on the one we're attached to. Not that this book dismisses cheating as "just our chemistry." But it explains things in a unique and thought-provoking way. Two thumbs up.

I believe that if you can't tell your partner about it, you shouldn't be doing it.

Is there ever a good reason to cheat? I guess, but it is still a lousy thing to do to someone. I guess most people do it sooner or later to some extent. I think that if it isn't a serious extra marital affair, and it would ruin the marriage to talk about it, the cheater should keep their mouth shut. Just be safe. Don't want to bring home a disease or a baby.

I think that monogamy is instilled in the human race because of societal and religious values. When the female species is ready to pro-create, she gives off a scent/phermone and the male is attracted to that scent. Our scents are not specific to one singular mate but because we are a highly evolved species, we choose to have one sole mate to procreate with.

I believe that partners cheat because of their physiological urges that overpowers their moral, religious and/or societal values.

Hopeless romantics may disagree, but those are my feelings as to what makes partners cheat.

The unfortunate thing is .... a large percentage of extramarital affairs generate children outside of the marriage, and often times disease.

Furthermore, if you have a need to cheat on your partner, then what's the need for staying with him/her?

I'm not an expert. I'm still trying to understand the justiciations for cheating, particularly being that I've never been a cheater.

More importantly, I've found the comments posted to be both enlightening and inspirational. It's always interesting hearing everyone's viewpoint.