I am no longer attracted to my husband sexually. Help!!!

You are going to hurt his manhood by telling him. You just have to be tactful and only tell him certain things. He can lose weight but not increase his package. It also seems you have changed as well. That affair is not over for you.

You have several unpleasant choices:

1) to be honest about the weight gain tuning you off (although I don't believe that's the real issue by a long shot). That way, he can at least do something about it

2) be honest about not being sexually attracted to him any longer (yes, that will hurt) and try to renegotiate an open relationship or a friendly separation

3) be dishonest and keep making excuses for your lack of responses to him

You will not magically regain your responsiveness to him with another more attractive lover in the wings. Even if your husband loses a ton of weight I doubt the issue will be resolved to both your satisfaction. Not facing your dissatisfaction head on simply postpones the inevitable hurt, in my opinion.

NB,

I get the sense you are feeling a great deal of guilt for feeling a certain way toward your husband. You sound very conflicted about whether to stay or not. I think sex in a relationship is very important and if it is not going well, like he doesn't turn you on sexually, can you talk about it? You are not horrible either for feeling this way. I think a lot of people feel this way in our society, so don't beat yourself up over it.

What does your husband think? Do you like to satisfy him??? He sounds like a premature ejeculator. Did he ever work on that? By the way, intercourse for the first time many times is not a great experience for either partner because it's the first time and from a guy's perspective, you are so turned on, that just touching that nerve ending sends you through the roof!!!

tpscher

Well I'll say this much...If I were your hubby, I'd simply die if I was dumped for no apparent reason. That's assuming you don't tell him the truth. And especially since his weight gain may be because of a health issue. He may not even be aware of it. Fearing that you may hurt his feelings or manhood are scapegoat excuses. I suspect your heart is more full of feelings for the "old flame" and hence a big part of the problem. My best advice: be open, honest, sincere and last but not least, give what sounds to be a wonderful "person" (let alone a man) a chance. I'm guessing if he got over your affair, he'll get over this too. Don't wait. From the sounds of it, you owe him that much.

Isadora,

I was hoping you would chime in. I totally understand your advice and also know that the problem lies way more than him just gaining weight. I just dont' know how to confront him without destroying his manhood. I have not had any affair before or after my time in Fiji with my ex-lover and I have been good about not responding to his emails. But every time I reject my husband's advances, I know he is thinking that I have started up that relationship with my Aussie friend, and that very sort of him thinking about it, makes me just run and hide. I know it will take life time to regain his trust back and sometimes I don't know if I can ever regain his trust fully. I told him that I can honestly tell you I have ended relationship and it's up to you to whether or not you trust me. If I want to have an affair, I will find the way to do that, if I wanted to leave, I would have left. I think he knows it in his head but knowing it in his heart is another thing. Sex after an affair has become competition in his mind, it's like male territorial thing, he wants to feel l belong to him by having sex with me all the time and I have a hard time with that. We have tried counseling but we both are rather private person and don't think we got the maximum benefit out of it as we were not open enough to get it all out there..

When is it the right to be completely open with someon taking the risk of hurting his feeling?? I feel lost.. if I do decide to move on, I want it for the right reasons and I don't know what that is for me.. I know sex is still a big part of our lives but isnt' his character, trustworthyness, as important when you think about your lifelong partner's qualifications?

Isadora, is there less unpleasant 5th choice?

tpscher,

Yes, he tried to take antidepressant for that condition. Apparently he was told that would help premature ejeculation. But I told him that didnt' matter to me as he always got me to orgasm outside (he could not get me there inside anyway). So it was better if he finshed faster.

I believe many women fake it and say they reached orgasm when they didn't. As for satisfying him, well with lack interest in sex, I would not participate proactively any more.

Without this problem, we are so happy together.. but we can't get around it any more..

You ask for a less unpleasant choice than what I laid out and I don't see any that will not hurt . Continue to say nothing and leave him mentally competing with your lover, or say something and having him hear the painful news that you no longer are turned on by him, although you love him. To me, the latter is the most humane.

Were you a counseling client of mine I'd urge you to tell him most lovingly how things are with you, the bad and the good, so that you can problem solve together about what comes next. At least allow him some choice in the matter rather than being abandoned emotionally and/or physically. He may choose to open the relationship or go into couples counseling with you. Being a private person is no excuse not to seek help in such a painful dilemma.